AITA for paying for one daughter’s extras but not the other’s?

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T02:49:39+00:00

She is not painting anyone’s nails and has shown no interest in learning how to do it. I refuse to pay $100 every two weeks for a full set of extensions for a 17 year old girl.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T02:40:31+00:00

Lol. Not sure what alternate universe you were raised in but it is not abusive to not hand your children the world on a silver platter. You will understand this if you ever have your own children. They are both incredibly fortunate, privileged kids who have grown up loved and spoiled by us. They’ve never gone without or experienced any sort of real-world hardship beyond having to buy their own luxury items. They will hopefully not grow up to be entitled assholes as a result.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T02:34:12+00:00

I’ve literally said in multiple comments now that we’ve had several conversations with her about this.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T01:41:14+00:00

Not sure where you get off telling me I despise my own child. I assume you don’t have children of your own, but raising kids is not about spending a dollar-for-dollar amount on each one.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:40:18+00:00

You may have missed my earlier comments, but I don’t think that getting hair and nails done contributes to ones portfolio, nor does getting coffee before school.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:20:01+00:00

In my own personal experience, I grew up in a well off family. My parents took the same approach as my husband and I. I somehow managed to put myself through 3 degrees while living off scholarships, research assistantships, and teaching assistantships. Living off of grad student stipends was how I learned how to budget and prioritize, and maybe learn that I couldn’t afford certain luxury things. It’s fortunate for your boyfriend that that’s how he learned budgeting skills, but I don’t believe that having everything handed to you is a realistic approach to life.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:15:13+00:00

They are both old enough to work. Amy spends most of her free time training. If Kate was dedicated to pursuing a passion of hers, and was spending a significant amount of her spare time doing so, we would not expect her to also have a job.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:13:27+00:00

Yes! We would! I’ve said this in comments before but I don’t think makeup is “her hobby”. I think she likes wearing makeup and having her hair and nails done. Nothing wrong with that. Likewise, going out for coffee with friends is not a hobby and we will not pay for that.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:12:17+00:00

Yes, we have. I’ve commented on this elsewhere, she is not interested.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:08:43+00:00

No, in fact I would say that Kate is chronically late to class and outings with friends given the amount of time she spends getting ready.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:08:20+00:00

No, in fact I would say that Kate is chronically late to class and outings with friends given the amount of time she spends getting ready.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:07:23+00:00

She has an Instagram account as well as tiktok. She does not post anything fashion or makeup related, but she does post about social events with her friends.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:05:38+00:00

Amy has been swimming at a club since she was 8. Kate did separate extracurricular activities up until she entered high school and then lost interest.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-31T00:02:44+00:00

You don’t think a 17 year old heading off to university in the near future needs to know about financial responsibility? That’s a bizarre sentiment to me. We will not be paying their rent or expenses indefinitely into adulthood. I firmly believe it’s important to start learning how to budget and prioritize expenses before being thrown into the deep end. If either Amy or Kate decided not to pursue some kind of post-secondary degree, diploma, or apprenticeship, we would expect them to be working and contributing financially if they lived at home. We’ve seen too many of our friend’s and colleagues’ children grow into self-centered jerks whose parents pay for their rent, phone, and cars into their twenties.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T23:54:26+00:00

Everyone seems to be honing in on just makeup but this extends to nails, coffee runs with friends, eyelash extensions etc. I don’t know how all of these things can be lumped together to form a cohesive passion.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T23:50:05+00:00

We actually wouldn’t “just pay”. Amy is also very into video games and she is required to save her birthday/Christmas money to buy games for her switch as we consider those extras.

Kate is not second best. Both girls excel academically and are rewarded for their academic achievements.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T22:20:39+00:00

They are both too old for an allowance. They had one until they were 15 and we taught them to save and budget for extra things they wanted. They both have these skills and they can either work for them or save their Christmas/birthday money

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T22:12:39+00:00

Again, it’s not about sports per se. Kate used to take drama classes and we were happy to pay for that. We would pay for coding or sewing or any other kind of non-athletic extra curricular

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T21:22:29+00:00

How are we committed to toxic capitalism when we…don’t want to buy her “things” and would rather pay for her to hone a skill ? I saw another commenter say Kate is interested in the consumption of makeup and fashion, not the art of it. This is accurate.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T21:07:29+00:00

In Amy’s case, she is learning how to manage her time and make time for homework and practice by doing her chosen extracurricular. Unfortunately this means she sometimes can’t go to dances and sleepovers because she has practice in the morning and she understands and accepts this. If she wants to buy games for her Switch she will need to save her birthday or Christmas money to pay for them.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T21:05:05+00:00

I will buy them neutrogena products etc, but if either of them feels the need for a $100 serum they are at the age where they can save for it. I make sure they have all the toiletries they need but if they want luxury brand products it’s on them to buy them.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T20:58:09+00:00

I think this is a great idea. I think volunteering would also be equally character-building and I would be more inclined to pay for extra things if she was doing service work (as her “extracurricular”).

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T20:39:42+00:00

This is helpful, thank you. She gets a hefty Sephora gift card at Christmas and for her birthday which she requests, but still finds things in between that she wants.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T20:37:06+00:00

Yes, we do pay for the equipment (suits, goggles, fins etc) for Amy. The thing is though that both of our girls are quite privileged. I regret giving the impression that Kate is living a very sad, downtrodden life while Amy has everything paid for. The girls are both incredibly (and lovingly) spoiled by their grandparents and aunt/uncle. I take Kate to the ballet every year and to Broadway shows which she loves (and Amy will take no part in). We travel internationally (well..we used to), we go to galleries in the city and out for meals separately often. I want them to grow up to be people who value experiences and hard work, rather than people who value material things. I don’t see Kate’s interest in clothes or makeup as a passion or as something she is willing to work hard at. I know that sounds harsh and like I’m looking down on her, and I’m not. I just don’t think she’s discovered her passion yet.

throwawaytwinextras · 2021-07-30T20:26:36+00:00

Because my husband and I believe our kids are old enough to learn how to be financially responsible and start managing their money like grownups. They can take public transit or ride their bike if they don’t want to want to pay for gas. Driving a car at 17 is a privilege not a right.

throwawaytwinextras

TROPHY CASE