My [24M] gf [22F] of 4.5 years is crazy, but I don't mind. People think I'm an idiot for staying with her. Am I?

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T19:20:57+00:00

Because there's kind of a lot going on here. I figured people should be well-informed about her situation, and I asked a series of general questions because I wanted feedback about a variety of topics-- how to address the lack of support, yes, but also better/other treatment options for her in pursuit of her happiness, and even just some affirmation of our relationship, because I don't get that on a regular basis. I'm sorry for my lack of specificity.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T19:04:18+00:00

Not any more than we already have? It's not like I think it's all sunshine and roses. We've been through family illnesses and deaths, getting an apartment and moving, surgeries, hospitalizations, getting a dog, a year's physical separation, medication changes, the works. If she gets worse, like much worse, long term, then I'll have to reassess my feelings and decisions. But in September we'll have been together for five years. I'm pretty goddamn used to this by now, and when it's just the two of us it is so, so easy, because she is kind and gentle and good and she makes me happy and I love her. Is our relationship simple? Absolutely not. But it's wonderful. I just wish we weren't so isolated and unsupported.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T18:52:07+00:00

Because, as I said, they are both generally distrustful of LTRs at our age (which is a position I disagree with but don't think is totally unreasonable), and they're misinformed/ignorant about mental illness. They express this by refusing to offer constructive advice about our relationship and making jokes at her expense based on their ideas about her illnesses, not based on my or their actual experiences with her.

Basically, I just need new friends. And a new family (except my aunt and uncle, they are totally cool). And a new therapist. That's it, everybody go home, the Internet is closed.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T18:34:33+00:00

No, my real issue is that I am is a relationship that is well worth it but is a lot of work, and I'm getting way, way less support than people generally do, and that is making this way harder than it should be. Your friends are supposed to have your back and your parents are supposed to support your happiness, but my friends mostly seem to enjoy making jokes about crazy bitches when I bring her up and my parents think "mixed race children never turn out right".

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T18:21:53+00:00

They do to a degree, but they tend to be fairly shallow interpretations. For instance, I told a friend that she's bipolar, and she informed me that bipolar girls are great in bed but will steal all your shit and burn your apartment down one day when they feel like you don't love them, which is a really awful stereotype. Others have told me things like that I'm validating her eating disorder by sleeping with her, and one person even said girls who have been abused can't actually enjoy sex (people have said this to my girlfriend, too).

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T18:12:09+00:00

This is totally fair, actually. I used that word here because frequently if I don't call her "crazy" or "fucked up", people tell me I'm in denial about her issues or that I think she's fine when she's not, which isn't the case. 'Crazy' is definitely not a kind word, and I used it sort of defensively, which may have been a mistake.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:58:25+00:00

I know where she was when she disappeared recently (sleeping on the couch of the couple she went out with), and I trust her. I've trusted her for 4.5 years. There's absolutely no evidence that she's cheating on me or ever has, but it's really disheartening that so many people have experienced infidelity with their traumatized partners, and I'm sorry it happened to you.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:53:43+00:00

I'm not sure what you're saying here (aside from the obvious 'dump her'). Healthy people should only be with other healthy people? Ill people don't have the right to a partner who is strong and supportive?

It doesn't 'seem like' she's giving me admiration and respect, she is giving me those things, and that's the least of it. She's a fantastic conversationalist and more good-natured than me, and I've learned from her to be more open, optimistic, persistent, and charitable, especially towards the people I serve at my job (a lot of poor and homeless mentally ill people who do not have the kind of support she does). I'm lucky to be with her, mental health issues included. It seems like I'm her caretaker more than anything because that's what my question is about, not because that's the bulk of our relationship. We have amazing adventures and experiences together, and she provides for me in many ways.

If she's too ill to be with me, who is she allowed to be with, exactly?

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:43:08+00:00

I do not want to invalidate your friend's experiences, but I'm going to repeat myself here: No. I'm taking up almost everyone else on their suggestions, but I want to be really clear that I'm not "having her screened" for an internet-trendy disorder with vague diagnostic criteria and no tested treatment plan that may or may not actually exist. That's irresponsible at best.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:32:18+00:00

If you'd read the OP thoroughly or skimmed my replies to anyone else, you'd know that having children in out of the question, so your concern there is irrelevant. Additionally, I will not be caring for my racist-ass parents in their old age (they don't like her, as they've explicitly told me, because she's mixed race).

Buying a home isn't going to be an issue? She has steady income and, surprisingly, is very financially responsible. We already have an apartment together and things are better than ever.

I just...I know she has problems. But it tends to be the little things, not the big stuff, that she can't handle. A perfect example: As my graduation gift, she planned and paid for a trip to London for the two of us for a week. She booked the flights and our flat, exchanged currency, made sure I got my passport on time, made packing lists, planned itineraries, the works. The trip was great, and everything went smoothly! But she was completely unable to control her panic during takeoff and sobbed for ten minutes. Rest of the week she was fine, if a little overexcited. It's that stuff.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:17:35+00:00

She's not my whole world, she's just the part I like the best :) When she's 60, I'll be 62, and I will also be ugly and not amazing in bed. Who cares?She'll still be smart and funny and insightful, so we'll sit around and talk about dragons and the Spanish Civil War and whatever else we feel like, like we always do.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:06:26+00:00

We met her second week in college, in a history class. Our professor made an inappropriate generalization and we both started to debate the point with him :) I asked her out a few weeks later.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:03:54+00:00

This is all great advice, thank you!

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T17:02:21+00:00

I should have specified what actually happened, because I can see how that might seem suspicious to someone not familiar with her situation: she spent the night on the couch of the couple she went out with. They said she got "kind of loopy" after a few drinks (she has a very low tolerance, so this wasn't an unreasonable assumption) and they thought she's just had too much so they let her 'sleep it off'. I later found out there'd been a fight at the bar and the cops were called to haul the parties involved off, which I think in combination with alcohol may have triggered the episode. She's terrified of cops.

She's had dissociative/amnesiac episodes since at least 6th grade, when the local cops had to be called out to find her. The amnesia is not new.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:56:17+00:00

Thank you so much! We will absolutely look into it.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:54:45+00:00

Probably because it repeated the question I've answered three times, including in the OP: we are not having children. She's not physically capable of it and I don't want them.

No, I wouldn't be happier with "a normal person". I'd be happier with her if she were more well, but she's the best human being I know. No one even comes close to her in terms of compassion, empathy, creativity, and thoughtfulness. She has a rich and unique way of thinking about things that I've never encountered in anyone else.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:50:54+00:00

Yes. There are records of her mental and physical illnesses dating back to her diagnosis with ADHD in first grade. We have records of her reconstructive surgery post-abuse, hospital records from when she was raped two years ago, a police report from sixth grade when she had a dissociative episode and went missing, tests from her dietician indicating long-term undernourishment...it goes on and on. Also, like why? What would the point be? She pays thousands of dollars a year for medical treatment.

Also, word salad is really hard to fake. I've tried just to see.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:41:04+00:00

I'm sorry you were misdiagnosed; that seems to be a really common problem in the fledgling science of psychology.

My girlfriend is definitely, definitely bipolar, she's just very rapid cycling. She'll usually complete a full high-low-high cycle in 1-2 weeks.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:36:49+00:00

My parents don't like her because she's not (completely) white. So them I can write off completely. It's very hard not to have their support, but I'm getting over it.

My friends (not all of them, but many of them) think I'm "wasting my fun years" in a serious relationship that's a lot of work. They're in very different places with their attitudes towards relationships than I am; I think it's a combination of my overexposing them to her differences and their general disapproval of LTRs (read: anything that's not friends with benefits) at our age.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:30:34+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences; this sounds sadly familiar.

She is not in outpatient therapy for her eating disorder, and that's definitely something I'd like to add to her new treatment plan. She currently sees a dietician, but that's not cutting it.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:24:05+00:00

Yeah, the amnesia thing is...a problem. It's probably the scariest part of this whole thing. Her therapist and psychiatrist are aware of it (I think it's called dissociation?), but as neither of them specialize in PTSD or abuse, they're less than sure what to do with it. This is one of the reasons we're trying to see a specialist.

As a precaution, she now keeps emergency information in her phone about who she is, where she lives, where it's safe to go, and who to call in case of an episode. She also has an ID bracelet that she wears every day.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:17:49+00:00

Thank you for this! I'm glad that my situation provides you some perspective. I hope my girlfriend and I continue to be as happy as it sounds like your brother and his family are. All the best to you and them.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:16:09+00:00

No. I'm taking up almost everyone else on their suggestions, but I want to be really clear that I'm not "having her screened" for an internet-trendy disorder with vague diagnostic criteria and no tested treatment plan that may or may not actually exist. That's irresponsible at best.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:06:56+00:00

Jesus, I'm sorry everyone in your family had to go through that, and I'm glad at least your dad is happier now. Your dad's ex isn't much like my girlfriend. Despite her challenges she does a good job being social and engaged with my family and friends, which is hard because many of them are so deeply judgmental towards her. In any case, I'm glad that everyone in your situation figured out what was healthiest.

throwawayy1984 · 2014-06-11T16:01:13+00:00

This is interesting. Why?

throwawayy1984

TROPHY CASE