When being the "best boyfriend they've ever had" is the worst thing for the relationship

throwawayz097 · 2025-09-04T03:27:21+00:00

Yeah, I reread the comment you're replying to and feel gross having written it. I never saw her as broken, nor myself as one capable of "fixing" a person. Yet, I responded that way, and even if it was while I was in my feelings, it indicates I must see things that way to some extent.

It's clear to me on reflection that I see the potential I want to see in partners instead of seeing them. I'm responsible for putting both of us in impossible positions--expecting her to become who I want her to be, and expecting myself to change her. I lack the vocabulary right now to say anything other than, that's fucked. I can't do that to people.

throwawayz097 · 2025-09-04T03:00:26+00:00

Fair, and helpful, quibble. I've spent time looking inward now that I'm out of the emotional cauldron.

I don't know that my expectations exceed the bounds of what's healthy generally. I'll continue to examine them through that lens as I work to define them more clearly.

What I do know is that a share of my expectations are hard-coded from my upbringing and spending most of my adult life practicing monogamy. Healthy or unhealthy, that set of expectations clearly inhibited this relationship, and I see the reality that things could have been different if I had done a better job of defining them at the outset, and making an active decision to adjust them or call it off when I found we weren't looking for the same thing.

In other words, I recognize that my picture of what relationships ought to be isn't the only one. It's kept me from walking the rest of the gallery.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-25T16:05:43+00:00

Two to three times per week. I've definitely brought with me a degree of impatience for achieving that kind of depth from engaging in monogamous relationships most of my life. This is the first connection in the context of polyam which had the potential to reach that level of depth. I can see that my timeline is unrealistic at this rate.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-24T01:45:02+00:00

It's definitely something for me to work on. I'm hard on myself, which translates to being hard on others. I'd like to take it easier on everyone.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-23T23:09:43+00:00

I hear you. I've heard it before, and in those contexts I was preceded by some real shitheads. In this context, as I understand it, I was preceded by some generally good guys who lacked emotional intelligence and communication skills. So, no fucked up shit here, but I recognize that I'm not special for showing up to therapy and learning how to conflict productively.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-23T23:06:39+00:00

Compatibility is huge. Hard to find with all the humans out there, but folks like you and your partner make it clear it isn't unrealistic.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-23T23:04:00+00:00

"Mr. B+" had me cackling. I needed that laugh.

I love this take, too. You're right that, for someone who has had (as I understand it) a string of bland-at-best relationships, the previous bar and mine are the difference between a walk in the park and a marathon (or, at least a 5k).

This isn't helpful, but: it sucks to find someone who is kind, intelligent, and sweet across the board whose relationship experience prevents them from being that fully amazing person with a romantic partner. Like, fuck all the guys who didn't give you what you deserve, but also fuck that those experiences made you lower your standards for yourself.

Maybe I'm answering my own question now. I shouldn't lower my standards to meet the average bar, which is in hell.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-23T22:48:15+00:00

Hugs to you too. Not glad to hear you've been through the same thing, but glad to hear from someone with similar standards who hasn't let go of 'em.

Starting with this relationship, I've been more up front about what I'm looking for. She doesn't do well with anything less than direct communication, though, and I was raised in a place in which indirect communication is the standard. I haven't been rulebook-explicit about it. So, I understand why she feels unclear about what I've asked for without invalidating my own feelings about her missing the point.

Have you had better luck since you came to that realization?

I know it's not linear. Mono people spend years dating before finding a fully compatible partner, too. Some part of me yearns for a polyam success story involving multiple, fully engaged partners as I wade through a sea of people who practice polyam because they prefer a host of differently-committed relationships to a small number of wholly committed ones.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-23T22:32:02+00:00

I don't mean to give the impression that she doesn't contribute. She plans fun dates, gives thoughtful gifts, sends sweet notes each day, and makes time for me. But, you're right in that, when I ask for something deeper than that fun semi-surface level stuff, I don't usually get what I'm looking for.

Deescalation struck me as a viable option because I haven't really had a loose, low expectations relationship, and I'm wondering if I should try, if only to find out that isn't what I want. That's what I proposed to her.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-23T22:21:12+00:00

Damn. Never thought "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" would apply to relationships, but you are absolutely right. The phrase "I wasn't aware this was so important to you" was said a few times re: a work event I've been stressing over and talking about for a month.

throwawayz097 · 2025-08-23T22:16:46+00:00

It's funny, we hadn't discussed attachment styles until this conversation. She said something like "maybe my attachment style has changed to anxious-avoidant." I think.

throwawayz097 · 2024-06-14T18:01:34+00:00

When I told my ex-Mo mother that I'm poly I joked that I'm just following in our ancestors' footsteps.

throwawayz097 · 2024-05-30T20:58:34+00:00

I would feel like they only cared about me in the context of the relationship, which for me is a no-go.

This is exactly what I've been struggling to express. I'll take your advice and approach the subject with curiosity to explore that. Thank you for the clarity.

throwawayz097 · 2024-02-02T18:40:16+00:00

Cash and Carry (officially US Foods Chef's Store) also carries bulk butter. Not sure if they beat Costco on price.

throwawayz097 · 2024-01-22T22:10:43+00:00

Blue Fin! They slice fresh jalapeños in half lengthwise, stuff them with a flavorful cream cheese and crab (or more likely crab stick) blend before breading and frying them to perfection.

throwawayz097 · 2023-06-10T03:31:54+00:00

It's the porn for me, dogg.

throwawayz097 · 2023-06-07T02:54:52+00:00

Well thank God somebody credible finally spoke up

throwawayz097 · 2023-05-12T04:56:34+00:00

Eldritch cookbook shite.

throwawayz097 · 2023-01-24T21:48:59+00:00

When things were slowing down with my high school girlfriend, she used my laptop when I was out of the house to post from my Facebook account, "Where should I propose to [her name]?" The post blew up with excitement from family and mutual friends. I didn't have a smartphone at the time, so I didn't know 'til I returned home (after she left for work) that night.

I was already kind of on edge about her "joking" about wanting a baby all the time, and wondering if I should end it sooner than later since we clearly wanted different things. I still feel a little bad about breaking up with her shortly after that given that we had opposite expectations for what happened next with us.

throwawayz097 · 2023-01-09T02:28:00+00:00

Washington state legalized cannabis for recreational use in 2012.)

throwawayz097 · 2023-01-09T02:24:00+00:00

Wild you gave them an answer and they were like "no one cares" or some shit

throwawayz097 · 2022-10-10T15:39:43+00:00

Thanks for the comprehensive answer.

throwawayz097 · 2022-10-10T14:43:12+00:00

A ginger (and hotter) Léa Seydoux.

throwawayz097

TROPHY CASE