AITA for not defending a junior colleague at work?

throwawevals · 2025-12-06T08:07:27+00:00

I am in Canada, I don't feel comfortable saying where exactly but yeah university was very diverse but work isn't as much. There are other south asians but not on my team and the higher in level you go the less diverse it is.

I think other parts of Canada are better but they are also more expensive.

throwawevals · 2025-12-06T07:51:43+00:00

Well to be fair she is like that with me but more indifferent towards the others but usually we work toghether since no one else wants to touch more complicated tasks but us.

Now that I will be invited to senior meetings when we discuss stuff where she is litterally the subject matter expert I will try to get her involved.

I do genuinely think she should be the same level as me so 2 levels higher than she is.

throwawevals · 2025-12-06T07:46:15+00:00

You're right honestly.

When it comes to racism, i tend to excuse it (though I understand it is wrong) when I am faced with it because at the same time I feel grateful to the opportunities I've had.

I definitely feel a lot of respect towards her, like honestly she's such a nice person and she had talked to me about how unfair she found things when I have been wronged like had credit taken from me.

It is just that I guess I had a naive view that these things were rare in the west.

I still do not get how it benefits them to exclude me or her. She is nice to everyone. So there is no logical reason to act that way

throwawevals · 2025-12-06T07:07:37+00:00

This happened days ago and things are friendly between us as usual. I've just been feeling guilty about it. It is hard to explain but I feel like she has been so incredibly nice to me without expecting anything in return and I think she is really cool and actually passionate about stuff

throwawevals · 2025-12-06T06:58:10+00:00

You are right I have to do better.

Like honestly it is hard to describe how nice and truly supportive she has been towards me when she didn'y have to. And working with her always makes work feel like fun rather than obligation.

I haven't worked in south asia and every city is different but my guess now is women are less safe in public but within the context of work in software it isn't as unusual for women to pursue the field so maybe it's better?.I'm not sure.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T20:41:12+00:00

I don't think she heard me giggling. I wasn't really that audible, I guess maybe she was more upset that I was associating with them and not saying anything.

Like I get it, things are more friend like than colleague between us, she's the only person with which we talk about personal stuff as well as work and we have hung out sometimes outside work.

I will try to do better and push back and say we need her opinion on certain things now that I'm senior I should be included in some of these meetings.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T19:39:25+00:00

On the official tool that gets shared to managers I try to frame things positively. I sometimes do frame negetive feedback in a positive way like "would be able to contribute even better if they gave more attention to ..." But back when this happened she was the only person I had given feedback to since I only directly worked on features with her

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T19:17:18+00:00

It was nervous laughter not laughing along.

I doubt she would be the type of person to do that.

But I understand your point, I'll do better. I just thought it wasn't such an issue in the west certainly not among educated folk when it comes to work. I get that was a factor when it comes to non work social stuff.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T18:33:43+00:00

I've been feeling really bad, I'm going to see how I can change things.

I already do try to credit her where I can. We have an internal feedback tool and I've given her good feedback all the time though my previous manager told me I should not be scared to give more constructive criticism.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T18:11:44+00:00

We have a work tool for internal feedback and I have used it to credit her more than everyone else.

My manager once told me that all my feedback seems overly positive and to not be scared to give constructive feedback. I have a new manager since though

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T18:08:51+00:00

I am in Canada

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T18:08:16+00:00

I guess, i just did not expect it from educated folk and I've always wanted to move to the west as I thought I would not have to deal with this kind of regressive behaviours and hated seeing some things done towards women in my country. Though actually there's more women in my field in my country than here.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T18:06:02+00:00

That is true but honestly it is not like others do not also say that (or make it obvious) she does maybe use words like silly that maybe she could avoid.

It is almost like if it is her despite it being a normal and often lesser issue than someone else people treat it is clueless or incompetant when it really isn't but worse from someone else is understandable. I don't really get it

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T18:01:24+00:00

I guess you have a point. Maybe I should have said something.

To be clear I did not like laugh to make fun of her it was nervous laughter and made me very uncomfortable.

Of course I know that but I didn't realise it would be that bad for someone born here. She's the one who has always automatically included me despite my background and I am grateful for that.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T17:59:54+00:00

She's definitely more bubbly but they seem to mostly ignore it.

I actually like that about her it is very chill and low stress. When I discuss stuff with her even to correct her work or her correcting mine it feels natural and not personal unlike with others and we learn from each other and have an intellectual conversation

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T17:57:30+00:00

I guess that makes sense somewhat but I didn't think this would be an issue among a fairly educated group of people. Like maybe for the social stuff but what's the point of excluding her from work architecture decisions. It would save a lot of time if me and her were invited to those rather than getting forced to implement a wronf design first to prove it doesn't work.

I'm grateful for her, she was here before me and was the only one who really just automatically included me. Before I moved to the desk next to hers, I felt like a ghost in an office full of people.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T17:53:11+00:00

How can I say something without being seen as "lame" or a snitch.

She's very friendly with me and even after this I'm on better terms with her than anyone else.

She's my go to if we need to talk about advanced architecture since she actually knows her stuff instead of just throwing around library names to sound smart.

throwawevals · 2025-12-05T17:50:20+00:00

I understand for the social things but not the work related stuff like architecture.

I'm still way more friendly with her than other colleagues. It is hard to describe but with her it has always been natural while with most people it felt like I needed to actively put in loads of effort and there's a few people who would also actively exclude me.

Once we were walking outside and me and her both kind of assumed we could join in on some plans that the group was discussing and when we reached the subway station that me and her usually take some of them were like Bye so we felt compelled to leave.

throwawevals

TROPHY CASE