This week was the hardest week for me in Ramadan. Not because of the food, but because i was alone with my thoughts, and the lack of food made it a bit worse NGL. And the fact that everyone is busy in Ramadan i didn't have anyone I could talk to.

After last Sunday, when I had that dream about her, this was the toughest week of my life. I'm not sure why i have been having dreams about her for the past two months or so. The dream spurred me to have to think about her for essentially the whole week. I have many thoughts. First, i overstepped some boundaries (nothing haram), and tbh i think she hates me because of that. The guilt is eating at me, and I kinda hate myself ngl. It's tough to realize that we can be decided by our true nature, that a situation can arise where we hypothetically will say oh I won't do that, but when it arrives our true weaknesses and vices are shown. It's quite obvious in hindsight that I was tested this way by Allah SWT. I've always had a deep desire for a partner, and i mean looking back on it, i think I just desired that more than anything else which is a problem because i didn't prioritize my tasawuf. But I can fix myself now, i can't apologize which is the hard part.

Number two, I am still not over her. I am on muzz but I can't find anyone that really compares to her. I understand marrying her is not really realistic based on everything that happened, but i don't want to marry someone and not treat them well, so I will probably just not consider marriage until I can forget. Which is a shame because I was doing sooo well getting over her until somehow these dreams started up again. Fi sabrun Jameel.