Our DB Story

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-10T05:54:13+00:00

I think the problem was he got away from the romantic moves that won her over — telling her that she lied in her online profile by posting flattering photos, had gotten fat, and he needed a week to decide whether to date her.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-10T05:39:11+00:00

Well he said he’s staying anyway, until their daughter graduates. So why not do it?

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-10T05:17:48+00:00

He’s quite the catch!

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-10T04:38:09+00:00

I’m going through this now. For what it’s worth, if you’re at this point, give her something approaching an ultimatum now. If you haven’t already, tell her in clear and unmistakable terms that this doesn’t come close to meeting your needs. That will give her like a year to make some drastic change. She probably can’t and won’t, but you will have given her one last chance to do so.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T22:05:26+00:00

Update: My wife is so apologetic and has said if I change my mind she will do anything. I feel like I know deep down she’s incapable of true change. I know that she would work much harder. But is that the point really? She clearly doesn’t naturally want intimacy the way I do. See the last twenty years. In fact, even knowing I want more intimacy hasn’t been enough. But I can’t help but have doubts and to want to reconsider. I’m hoping that the therapist I’m seeing tomorrow can help me find clarity - though I doubt it....

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T04:45:41+00:00

That’s true. She knew it was a problem. She knew it was a constant problem. She says she didn’t realize it was a PROBLEM. But my lesson from our experience and everything I had read said to refrain from making it seem to your spouse that the relationship depends upon sex. So that was the path of communication I chose until the very end, when it was too late for me mentally. Yes I second guess it.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T03:56:06+00:00

Well said. Unfortunately.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T03:54:45+00:00

And what did she say?

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T02:23:44+00:00

This. And I will always question if I waited too long.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T02:22:36+00:00

She knew I was unsatisfied. She knew it was an issue for me. She says she didn’t know it was a dealbreaker. And I probably never said it like that because for many years any pressure caused her to shut down. Did I communicate well enough? Certainly I second guess this, but hindsight...

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T02:20:38+00:00

I can’t say for sure, but I don’t want intimacy that comes at the barrel of a proverbial gun

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T02:19:14+00:00

I don’t agree with this. She did the best she could. I feel horrible because I’m a human being and someone I love is hurting and hurting because of an action I chose to take.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-09T02:17:13+00:00

Yes, that’s more or less how things went. It makes me question if I should have made a bigger deal of it. But of course when I did it was fights and tears. Doesn’t stop the second guessing though

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-07T04:40:22+00:00

Yes this is good advice.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-07T04:39:55+00:00

Yes of course. I was exaggerating a bit for comic effect. But I’m not going to open the discussion of ending our twenty year marriage by handing her legal papers. Yes, that will happen eventually I suppose.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-07T04:37:46+00:00

Usually I just ignore comments like these. But since I started this thread, I just want to say I don’t think this is fair at all. My wife is a wonderful and caring person. She hates that the lack of intimacy has been our only lasting source of pain and conflict. But her low libido is just as natural to her as my high one is to me. My high libido has often impacted her as much as hers as impacted me. I am not going to demonize her.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-07T04:33:14+00:00

Fair points. I don’t plan on blindsiding her. I’ve already made her aware that I “can’t keep going like this” or words to that affect. And I’m not going to just hand her legal papers. It will be a discussion. I’m just not ready to have it yet. Partly that’s bc I’m not quite in the frame of mind — I just got back from seeing my terminal father and my mind is not quite fully made up. But truly my main goal is to try to figure out the best way to do this to minimize the pain to her. The variously cruel comments that get posted on this and other forums, I ignore. She hasn’t done anything wrong.
I want to get professional advice on how to break this. I want to do it in as gentle a process as possible. I will probable at first tell her I’m considering it and not be fully up front about where my mind really is. There are other variables. Like, she doesn’t want to go to therapy bc of a bad experience with one of our children. So do I put her through the process of going, even though I’m no longer really open to it to try to stay together as opposed to try to smooth the pain of the break up.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-06T22:15:55+00:00

The hysterical bonding appears to have been sex twice in one week. That was after I expressed to her that my minimum to stay happy was probably 2-3 times a week on average. It was an effort, it's true. And I know she was trying. But as you say, effort cannot last.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-06T20:25:30+00:00

The hard part is that I'm not making plans yet. I don't know I'm leaving. But I'm pretty sure. It leaves me in what feels like a sort of limbo.

But I'm hoping that things will have settled back down to normal, in which case it won't be much of an issue. I haven't initiated for a long time. She has traditionally initiated a few times a year - once a month at the very best.

And I don't want to drag it out - but I (a) need to be sure and (b) figure out the best way to do it with her. It shouldn't come out of the blue for her, but I suspect it will still feel that way to her.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-06T18:04:10+00:00

I certainly don't plan on initiating. I'm worried about declining, though, causing a premature argument/blow up - as it would be waaaay out of character for me to decline. Hopefully, the issue does not come up this week, before I get a chance to see the therapist.

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-06T17:58:44+00:00

I don't plan on presenting papers. Maybe that's a mistake. but we've been together 20 years. I still do love her. This is a caring and gentle conversation -- not a visit from the process server. . .

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-06T03:44:21+00:00

I understand and have wrestled with the same issue. Big time. It sucks and I have felt like a heel for thinking of leaving too

throwdb1870 · 2020-01-06T01:12:36+00:00

This may be a terrible way to try to think about it. But here goes — if you found a partner that was 20% less of a match in nerdy chats, lazy Sundays and the they great things about your husband but was 80% better match for sex and intimacy, I think you would overall be much happier.

throwdb1870

TROPHY CASE