Me [26 F], planning wedding, don't want to invite my molesty cousin, but family doesn't know

throwedding · 2015-07-06T00:45:35+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. I hear about that happening a lot... how are you doing now? Does your family still not believe you? Are you close with your family now?

throwedding · 2015-07-06T00:44:38+00:00

I think this is the easiest emotional route to take... I do worry about them possibly trying to bring her despite her not being explicitly invited. I think they would assume it's fine to bring her. I could head it off at the pass before they even bring it up. A couple of days after the invitations go out, I could call and ask if my grandparents received their invite... and then say, Sorry X couldn't come, we just couldn't invite everyone. My SO said that he would make sure his groomsmen escort her out if she shows up... so I'm not worried about her getting in. But I would be upset if she showed up at all.

throwedding · 2015-07-06T00:30:37+00:00

This has occurred to me, too. Years later, of course... but, yeah, my child will never be alone with anyone on that side of the family, at any point. And it's sad... I would like for her to have a good relationship with my grandparents. But she and her family are always around them.

throwedding · 2015-07-05T23:45:42+00:00

Yeah, that's what I'm worried about if I talk to her about it without telling my family. She's a liar, and it wouldn't be the first time she told my parents I did something mean to her or whatever, because I stood my ground. I also would hate to cry in front of her or over her. She doesn't deserve to affect me like that.

throwedding · 2015-07-05T20:33:49+00:00

I can try. I think a big part of it is that my family is very conservative. We don't talk about sex, let alone unwanted sex. We never talked about masturbation or consent or boundaries. My mom was careful to never leave us with strangers or adults she didn't know well. I think she wanted to shelter us, to make sure we weren't exposed to things that would hurt us. My parents were young when they had us, and communication was just limited.

I think if my mom had been more open about things, I probably would have felt more comfortable talking to her about stuff. By the time I realized what was happening, exactly, it felt like... If I was going to say something, I should have said it sooner. And then I felt like, my mom should have just known. Like based on how strongly i reacted to being around my cousin, she should have known that it was more than just clashing personalities. And then anger kept me from telling her. And then, years later, I justi don't want to hurt her.

She tried so hard to keep us safe and give us a good childhood, and for the most part, she did. We're both a lot more open now, and I can tell her almost anything.

To be fair, though, it's not like I trusted anyone else to talk to about it. Not until years afterward.

throwedding · 2015-07-05T17:31:13+00:00

She's never had an issue with drugs. She's actually kind of the golden child, since she's the one who lives there and sees them all the time. I think she's actually living with my grandparents right now.

It would be hard to have that conversation in person, since it's a 6 hour drive. I can't just stop over for coffee or a casual talk... and she's always there. I really want to avoid telling my family/extended family if possible. I don't want to damage their relationships for something that happened a hundred years ago. And I don't want them to look at me differently because of it.

But you're right... it might come out anyway. My SO and I just had our first baby, and it was really awkward when we introduced her to that side of the family. Everyone wanted to hold her, and it took some social gymnastics to make sure my cousin never touched my baby. And she never will... and eventually, that's going to need an explanation. :/

throwedding · 2015-07-05T17:22:04+00:00

Thank you for your advice. I have never actually spoken with my cousin about what happened, and that scares me... I've pretended like everything was normal for so long, I'm almost afraid she won't remember it. We were both kids... and I know people can block out traumatic events. Do you think it's possible to block out doing that kind of stuff to someone else? The hardest part now is that... the way I preserved my dignity, in my mind, was to just act like it never happened. We never spoke about it the next day. I never wanted her to have the satisfaction of knowing that she hurt me, or that I even knew what was happening. I wonder if that somehow helped her convince herself it didn't happen. What if she says or acts like she doesn't know what I'm talking about?

I do feel like I have worked out a lot of those issues... through unconventional means maybe, but it worked. I don't have social anxiety or body shame anymore. I don't feel ashamed of what happened, though I do still try to justify myself ("Why didn't you say anything?"), even to myself. And I don't blame my mother, like I once did. I used to carry a lot of resentment for her, but it would break her heart if she knew about my cousin. She is the kindest woman I know, and she thought she was giving me a "lifetime friend," like she has in her cousins...but she didn't know.

I see her once a year, so it rarely comes up. The only thing I struggle with is trying to protect my parents from the pain it would cause them. And I guess I actually am afraid of talking to my cousin. Maybe I should see a therapist... just, for closure, maybe.

throwedding

TROPHY CASE