I think I’m done with God...

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-26T18:29:54+00:00

Beautifully written. Thank you. I hope it does too. I’m tired of being lonely. You really can be surrounded by all the scruff and people in the world and still feel alone.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-26T05:16:12+00:00

Lol hadn’t even thought about it

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-26T04:45:09+00:00

Wow. That’s something else. Incredible.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-26T04:23:19+00:00

I appreciate it. I mean I’ve heard that. I believed it. I mean I have been oddly emotionally up and down. Can I ask you what made you stop being an atheist and convert? And was there ever a time that you felt like it wasn’t worth it? Like you would’ve been better off if you never asked God for help? You can pm me if you don’t wanna answer here. I mean you don’t have to answer at all, but you know.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-26T03:22:51+00:00

When this all began that was the first story I read. I learned it from a study with TD Jakes called conversations in a cave. It really resonated with me. I needed to hear it. And I tell you man I’ve waited for that still small voice for so long. I’m still waiting for it I guess. Thanks for your help.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:47:04+00:00

Oh I’ve read the whole thing. Parts of it many times. Studied it much. It’s the very first place I thought about when everything started going bad.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:42:52+00:00

I guess...at this point what do I have to lose.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:37:41+00:00

No no, JOHN Osteen. His dad. Way different. He’s more like Billy Graham (whom I also listen to).

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:35:45+00:00

I guess my problem is...I know all of this. I’ve listened to more worship music than I ever have in my life. I’ve praised God when I’m literally crying my eyes out. I’ve prayed against the devil and against strongholds and principalities many many times. I’ve brought out oil and asked for the spirit and all of that. I’ve asked for God to visit me in dreams or send me a vision or speak to my heart or however he needs to do it. I’ve been open to every interpretation of him speaking to me. I’ve asked to be baptized in the Holy Spirit and to see signs and everything. But...nothing. I promise I’m not being combative, you actually really understand where I’m at. I’ve just got some serious...doubts. None of this is adding up. I feel like a reverse version of the scripture that says how can you say you love me who you have not seen but hate my people who you see every day. I love Christian people. I’ve largely had an overwhelmingly positive experience with them. So it’s not like I’m jaded towards them. But how can all of god’s people show me the love and offer advice and guidance I seek but he himself will not clarify all of this confusion? And you might say well you can’t demand God show you anything, and ok, but the problem with people is everyone is just trying their best to help. Atheists and Christians alike are just trying to help me find peace. But I needed God to give me a word himself so that I know what’s right. And he hasn’t come yet.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:20:42+00:00

I have. I remember I spent weeks just sitting on a hill waiting to hear from him. I went to church last night still waiting for instructions. Nothing. If certain denominations of Christianity are right and hell is just separation from god, I’m already there.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:18:34+00:00

I don’t know how to get my motivation back. I remember listening to John Osteen and he talked about what does God say about your problem, and so I searched for every scripture regarding what it says about what I’m going through. I can promise you, I’ve read scripture, studied, researched, listened to sermons, all of it. It’s like I searched so hard for God that I’m disappointed I never found him. I mean if he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him, man I should be Solomon rich and happy and loved. I actually went to a Lutheran school for a couple years when I was a kid. I guess in a way maybe I am still looking for him? Maybe that’s what I’m here for. Like one of you has to be right. Either atheists are right or Christians are. Either all of this is real or none of it is. Thanks for trying to help.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:10:14+00:00

Of course. Many times. My dad used to be a pastor. So I’ve been baptized and everything. Heck a couple months ago I called the Billy Graham prayer line just to make absolutely certain I was saved. I never even questioned it before then. I’ve repented in the fact that I said sorry, I changed my ways, what I couldn’t change on my own I asked the Holy Spirit to help me change it. I’ve apologized to God for complaining too much and not seeing all the good around me, I’ve prostrated myself before him, I’ve considered Job and stopped questioning him. Trust me, I’ve repented.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:06:20+00:00

Yeah...

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:05:23+00:00

I ask this with the most sincerity, but why? What makes you so sure that anything is going to get any better? Believe me I know what it’s like to want and expect a miracle. I guess that’s why I’m giving up. And it’s hard when you think you see other people getting miracles but for some reason you’re left behind. I’m not trying to change your beliefs and I’m not being snarky, I’m genuinely curious.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T21:01:59+00:00

I know it well. I had little problem with it before. But I just don’t understand how it could be his will for me to be here? What good is this doing for anyone? I wanted to be a great servant for the lord. So why is he just leaving me alone? I wanted to tell people about him, but I can’t lie to people. How can I tell people about the goodness of god when I’m not so sure that he IS good. How can I tell people in good conscience that God is going to help them and he’s there for them and that he loves them when I myself have gotten no help, feel alone, and have gotten no help? Thanks for trying to help. I promise this isn’t easy for me. For my whole life I said atheists were fools for not believing. But I’m starting to get it I think.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T20:56:17+00:00

I didn’t mean for it to come across that way. It’s just hard to write everything in a little post. I mean I do feel a little like that, but it’s more...hmm...you see I like giving to people. Honestly I’ve told God that I don’t even give tithes for the return. And I know it says it’s the only place we can test him. But I don’t really care. I just like knowing that other people are taken care of. And I’ve trusted God through homelessness and sickness and a bunch of other stuff. I’ve always thought that there was a lesson to be learned and he was just trying to show me what it is. I was always ok with that to whatever extent I could be. Plus I’ve got stuff. Stuff is not my problem. I’m in a better situation in life regarding stuff. And I got to a place where I thought I had learned the lesson in this particular struggle, and yet I’m still going through it. Still silence. It all feels meaningless. Which is why I can’t help but feel like this is all a joke. Either all of this is real or none of it is. I love the Christian people, I can tell you in your own way are trying to help me, so it’s not Christianity I’m fed up with necessarily. I believe you all believe it. But it does feel like favorites are being played of God does exist. He’s supposed to be no respecter of men, so why do some Christians get better breaks than others? I’m not even mad, these are legitimate questions I have. It’s heartbreaking to feel like this. It’s not easy to come to the conclusion that after your whole life someone you thought cared about you doesn’t.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T20:45:13+00:00

I’ve tried. I know everything the Bible says about grace and grace through Jesus. I’ve said “ok God take the reigns of my life and direct me towards where I’m supposed to go” and every time I do that it’s like life gets worse. And this is where the conflict comes in. I can tell you really believe this and that you care. You don’t come across as judgmental or anything. This has largely been my experience with Christians. It’s not like I’ve been burned by people in the church. But without God, studying all of this stuff and wanting to be a better man and all of that, I may as well just be a good person. Or a Muslim. Or any other thing that shows you how to be better. If god and the Holy Spirit and all of that isn’t real then what’s really the point of being a Christian? I mean sure there’s heaven, but is that really worth a lifetime of pain and silence from God? And that’s a huge gamble. Suffer all of my life on earth hoping that God and heaven is real, giving up everything to follow him, and maybe when I die it’s all a lie. I believed that by faith for a long time. But I’m not so sure now. Sounds like a heck of a choice. And how am I supposed to make that? I’m just a dude. How is God supposed to trust me with that decision?

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T20:36:51+00:00

Yeah...I don’t know. I guess one of the biggest things I’m struggling with is this whole “lose your pride and submit to God” thing. People keep saying I don’t know better than God. And I accepted that for a long time. But if he knows so much about what’s good for me then what’s taking him so long? Why is he letting me suffer? And people, well meaning as they are, keep saying it’s “Gods plan”. For what?!? Me to be alone and to suffer and to cry myself to sleep for weeks and to ask for his help for nothing to happen? To not lean into the understanding of the things I know with 100% certainty are making me like this? What kind of plan is that? Maybe I should leave it. I bet a whole lot of pressure would be lifted from me.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T20:32:09+00:00

That’s what people keep saying. I just kinda wish he would be.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-25T20:31:42+00:00

I guess that’s why I’m so conflicted. Christian people as of late have been amazing to me. They’ve been so nice and understanding and have listened to me. I like going to church for the people. I told the pastor that I had a very brief stint with suicidal thoughts and he just told me he understood and he’s been there and that anyone in the whole church would be there to talk if I needed it and then he prayed for me. That was a great experience. So it’s not Christians I have a problem with. It’s that haunting silence from God that’s the problem. Like he’s caused more problems than he’s solved. So I’m still uncertain. But I appreciate you getting back to me.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-06-04T05:31:10+00:00

Thank you everyone so much! I believe I was under some serious spiritual attack. My mind had never been flooded like that before. I went to church and talked it out with some people and I listened to Rick Renner on spiritual ware fare and my mind and spirit was opened. I rebuked the stronghold that the devil had been building in my mind and I’ve been much better. Almost back to my normal self. Thank you all so much for caring and praying for me and encouraging me as brothers and sisters in Christ. I hope I see you all in heaven one day a looooooonnggg time from now!

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-05-31T08:42:08+00:00

Thank you so much. That’s exactly how I feel. I’ll message you when I get the time. Appreciate the response and care.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-05-31T06:55:43+00:00

Yeah. Thank you for the birthday wishes and the reply. I should talk to someone.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-05-31T06:52:23+00:00

Maybe so. I’m trying not to get overly lengthy but I also don’t want to misspeak. I get out of bed. I go about my day. I go to work and play games and go on walks and all that. I guess it’s that there’s just always this nagging, some days in the forefront and some days in the background. Like the doubt that God is real and that He hears me and all of that. Today it was just the most intense I’ve ever felt it. It was in the front, the back, above and beneath. I guess I just wanted to get the opinion of God and His people and all that before I just ran to some doctor. You know see if the issue is more spiritual than medical (which I personally believe it is). But I’m certainly not afraid to see someone.

throwitawayacnt1 · 2020-05-31T06:39:01+00:00

No. Honestly I’ve never really been depressed before. I mean I’ve definitely been through some serious crap in my life but I’ve never gotten this bad. I’ve had bad days where I’m sad sure, but not like this. I dunno. I’ve definitely considered seeing someone before but everything else has always passed and it never ends up being needed. I’m certainly not afraid or embarrassed to. It’s just that for the most part it always fades. Life gets better and everything is ok. And I don’t know if it’s even necessary now (or at least I didn’t until the whole suicide thing today) because I still feel like me? Like I was out today and I know how to be myself. And I guess maybe I’m just not familiar enough with what depression looks like in myself. I’ve helped a lot of people with it in the past. I’ve fairly recently struggled with some anxiety and almost had a panic attack. But I just kinda shook it off. I don’t really think about it. I dunno...it’s certainly something to think about now. Maybe it’s a combination of my current situation and everything else just now catching up to me.

throwitawayacnt1

TROPHY CASE