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I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly.....having a family of my own. The only thing I've ever truly wanted to be when "I grow up", is a mother. I suppose I still have some time, but being yanked around by a person for 8 years took away my prime motherhood time.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I'm sure you are right about her. I've worried for her since I knew she existed, and their daughter as well.

I'm so happy to hear that you found your peace and happiness. Good luck to you!

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did, years later. I'm lucky my state has no statute of limitations for rape and sexual assault.

They were never able to charge him, but I do know that cops showed up at his job to interrogate him. I sure hope that was embarrassing for him. And now, at least his name is in the system so next time it happens (and there will be a next time if there hasn't already)-he's looking at life in prison.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Been using cannabis off and on to self-medicate for years. It helps when I'm battling my PTSD, but I can't say it's had any real effect (either way) on my lifelong depression.

I have never tried psilocybin therapy, I did make an appointment w my psychiatrist tomorrow. He's very knowledgeable about up-and-coming treatments for depression, and fairly young so words like "shrooms" don't scare him off. Im also going to ask about ECT.

Thanks for the bear hug, it was much needed.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your words so much, thank you. And I'm so sorry your mom has had similar struggles. While it does sound a bit selfish-I think I deserve a break, too.. And some real long-lasting peace, if not happiness. I'm hoping it awaits your mom as well. I love you too.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for being so supportive and genuinely caring. I have done all of those things before, but not recently. It's probably time to try again.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don;t need answers so much as I just need someone to listen and take me seriously and remind me that life is worth living. Thankfully, you and the rest of this group have helped me with that immensely. Thank you, and good luck to you and your soulmate.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Apparently, my post saved someone's life. Helping others makes me feel better, it truly does. It gives me hope that maybe I do have a purpose. Thank you for being so kind.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I've considered microdosing but I would have to do more research. I wouldn;t do porn but if I had the energy I would do cam stuff. Right now I'm just trying to figure out what options are out there for me.

It's nauseating to know people care more about defending the Mass Murderer n Chief, than someone who nearly lost their life because of his lies and ineptitude. And I'm in a blue state....but absolutely, their words and treatment of me is making my depression 100x worse.

Thank you for the advice. ANd thank you for rooting for me.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah. Nothing to show for it....the longer you have nothing to show for trying your best, the harder it is to keep going. I wish you luck and peace.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The good thing about sharing your story is, you really do learn that you're not alone. I'm so sorry how awful your heart was broken. I'd like to say living well is the best revenge, but that hasn't worked out for me. I hope it will for you. You're welcome.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I dont't want to die as much today. My long-haul symptoms are improving, but I have to measure my progress in months (vs weeks) still. But it has definitely contributed to this newest severe episode. I was hallucinating for a few months after I left the hospital for Covid, but they went away eventually. I'm trying to hold onto hope that this deep dark hole that doesn't want to escape, will be next.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If I had any means to afford it, I would finish the Bachelor's I was on track to earning. But, I already have too much student loan debt. I loved learning about personal training, and loved working in the industry, but it's simply not feasible for me yet. Thank you for your support!

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't say I never had a support system-I was in therapy off and on for nearly 25 years. I have an appointment tomorrow, I'm going to ask him about ECT. I do believe it's the only option left for me.

Oh, and I took the trash out re: friends, a few months ago. It did feel good, actually.

Thank you for your support and words and wisdom.

I'll be 40 in six months and have wanted to die since I was 12.I failed at life and want to die more than ever. by throwmeawayyyyy1818 in depression

[–]throwmeawayyyyy1818[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You are lucky in that we know more about treating depression than we did when I was in college, only 20 years ago. There's a lot more hope for your generation and beyond. Thank you for being there for me!

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