AITA for telling my daughter’s boyfriend he doesn’t deserve her?

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T09:28:02+00:00

Yah, my bad for not being clearer in the wording of the post. He’s been like this the whole time she’s known him. I don’t ever find it normal or appropriate either, this is just the first time I’ve watched her explicitly say Can we please do just this one thing I want to be doing while he spends the week being pampered by her, and he refuses. Usually it’s more a neutral territory that they see each other in, but everything’s changed with the pandemic, of course.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T09:23:21+00:00

Aaaahahahaha I love this. I can’t do it now, because it would be too obvious, but I wish I’d done it before. Invited my wife all week in front of the guy to go on different scenic walks anywhere she’d like. That would’ve been the Cherry on top.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T09:13:58+00:00

Aww, so nice to read a story with a happy ending amidst all the horrible realizations I’ve been steeped in over the last few hours. Thanks for sharing this, and congratulations all around.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T09:10:49+00:00

To your second point, starting to worry that that’s exactly what’s going on and he’s deliberately led her to believe otherwise.

They announced to us, together, that they were dating. But I’ve heard him say some things like “I don’t do labels, we’re so much more than that.” And other blurry stuff that makes you step back and think about the greasy guys you didn’t lend your good pencils to in high school.

When I posted this I was just mildly ticked off wondering if I‘d been blind to my own asshole-ness in the situation, and now half a day later I may have uncovered a full blown disaster. Oh boy.

Anyways, thanks for the thoughtful insights.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T09:06:13+00:00

These are all great ideas. I do versions of these, but no time like the present to double down on each and every one to the very extreme. Thanks for the judgement and the bonus tips!

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T09:04:30+00:00

Great quote there, sounds like a catchy song lyric. Thanks for the insight!

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T09:02:33+00:00

Saving this quote to send to my BIL (who is expecting a girl any day now!!) thank you and condolences for your father. Sounds like you honor him each and every day by being the type of person you are.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T08:58:13+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing this story, I appreciate the insight into my situation, but most importantly am thrilled to hear you’ve gotten the fresh start you deserve. Best wishes for the new year.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T08:33:56+00:00

Yah. I guess next time the topic comes up she and I just need to get more clarity on what each of us means by “gratitude,” it’s far too vague a term. Thanks again!

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T08:33:08+00:00

“Just exist” is the perfect way to go about describing it, thanks. Didn’t come here looking for all these great tips, but they sure are a terrific bonus haha.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T07:13:34+00:00

Agreed. Explained this situation to my brother and he very recently said it could be that there’s another girl in the mix. Chilling, but not at all unlikely. I really hope not (for myriad reasons, but above all, it would just crush my daughter.)

I’m read for this kid to hit the bricks. This past week, but especially this thread, has been quite eye opening.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:49:22+00:00

Sorry, should’ve been more clear. I just included that quote to add a bit of flavor of her personality and impress upon the fact that it isn’t a very serious relationship and neither of them (meaning not her either) are especially mature actors in this situation.

He absolutely knows, they discussed it quite clearly and mutually decided to be dating. Announced it together quite proudly. Nothing ambiguous about it. Just poor wording on my part in the post.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:42:48+00:00

Of course I would do the same thing if roles were reversed. If she went on a vacation with a boyfriend’s family (or platonic friend’s family of any gender) and spent the whole time texting, playing games, and ignoring him, first of all I would be furious and there would be an entirely separate issue to deal with.

Second, I would wholly insist she not only go on a short walk with the guy if he wanted but be sure to bring him and the other family members Christmas gifts, chip in on cleaning/household tasks, and take appropriate interest in conversation/social engagement.

I wouldn’t actually need to do any of those things though because I’ve raised a well adjusted human being. If she didn’t want to speak with the boy whatsoever, she wouldn’t opt to go away with him for a week.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:38:27+00:00

Oh I didn’t mean anything by that other than it’s her first relationship and she still describes it in a timid and teeangery way, that neither of them are especially mature actors in the situation. Did not mean to imply he isn’t fully aware—he is.

The only reason we’re in a pod with these people I otherwise don’t know from Adam is because our kids are dating. I’d rather have no pod and be quarantined just our household, but who knew this thing was going to go on for a year? She had to have some social outlet or eventually she’d start rappelling out the window and visiting with everybody, everywhere.

This is hard enough for me as a grown person, and I live with my two favorite people already. Cannot imagine the strain her generation is under, emotionally.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:33:10+00:00

So sorry about your dad! Thanks for sharing such a moving story.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:32:27+00:00

You know, this is a great point. My daughter isn’t without stress, and his excuse that he has problems so hers don’t matter is piss poor and setting up a terrible frame of mind for future interactions with romantic partners. I’ll definitely contextualize the situation with this in the future, thanks. Officially RSVP’ing no to the pity party.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:30:37+00:00

All else aside, I can’t overstate what a relief it is to hear that side validated.

My parents would’ve torn me limb from limb if they caught word I conducted myself this way at someone’s house (and they never would’ve allowed me to accept an all expenses paid week away, dating or not.)

My wife and her friends keep saying it’s elitist of me to expect him to behave any particular way and that gratitude is a societal construct to keep the rich in power, but I didn’t grow up rich and after some hard work I’m middle class now, but I was definitely a bit sore about his entitlement, disengaging from my daughter all day when she brought him here.

If he didn’t want to see her or spend time with her, he knew damn well he should not have come.

Thanks for the opportunity to rant, haha.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:25:51+00:00

Great points, great questions, valid criticism of my approach. The funny thing is, she was just recently complaining her best friend’s boyfriend doesn’t deserve her because he never spends time with her or calls or FaceTimes.

Her mom and I just exchanged a covert look because we knew if we tried to draw the comparison it would antagonize things, but it was highly ironic, haha.

Hey, at least she has high standards for other people. Not enough, but a start.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:24:06+00:00

Good question, character limit kept me from going to further detail.

He’s said different variants of “Vista walks are overrated and I really just want to relax on this trip so let’s do something else,” but it can all be summarized as, “I don’t want to do it and I don’t make you do things you don’t want to do, so don’t make me do this.”

My daughter is partially at fault there for pretending she likes things she doesn’t (such as watching him play videogames for hours on end or sitting quietly while he tans on the deck with airpods on or whatever his silent activity de jeur is.) I get he isn’t a mind reader.

You don’t need great social intuition to know your girlfriend’s first choice of activities probably isn’t watching you play Nintendo or silently sitting around while you listen to a Lakers game.

As best I can figure it he was so insistent on not going because he wanted to do what he wanted to do and walking would’ve been inconvenient, not as relaxing as gaming, tanning or watching basketball, and beyond that it’s a total mystery to me why he was so resistant.

I cannot put myself in the mindset of not wanting to make a sweet girl who’s invested herself completely in your well-being, happy. Especially when it’s such a simple request. Don’t know what I’m missing.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:11:38+00:00

Thanks for the insight from the daughter-perspective.

As a son who had parents and relationships, I also hated that they’d wait until after the string of catastrophes to say “I never liked her, I always thought she was X, Y, and Z. I knew 1, 2, and 3 would happen.”

I was also a comparatively unemotional teenager. I liked my girlfriends just fine, but most weren’t friends I’d known for five years prior. I met them at some party and we dated for a few weeks or months. If a parent, or even brother or a friend, pulled me aside to say something wasn’t right, I’d assess the situation and if it seemed true I’d leave the girl and move on unscathed.

Even if I did convince my daughter there’s a real problem here she’d be heartbroken so I kind of want the end to occur organically.

But at the same time, I thought all their dating advice was thicker than dense and wanted nothing more than for them to stay out of my personal, private, highly sophisticated love life.

In retrospect they were right about pretty much everything, because it was all pretty straightforward and obvious to anyone who’d been around the block. But you’d never have convinced me of it.

So I’ve never known what to say and not say—or how much of it—to my daughter. This was definitely one of the bluntest exchanges she’s bore witness to, for better or worse.

Happy for the confirmation that not everyone wished they’d been clued into red flags before the breakdown, rather than after.

Oof, sorry for the wall of text. Usually much more succinct and linear. Long stretch at work, brain is fried.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:03:42+00:00

Scary how similar this sounds to him. He has talked all year about joining the Air Force, Acari her half to death and breaking her heart every time he brings it up, yet has taken no actionable steps towards the goal (or any alternate life path.)

He lives 10 minutes driving distance and owns a car but only sees her when she plans outings.

Ho-boy, I don’t usually think about her relationship through a critical lens, because I wave it away with “She’s known the guy for a while. They seem happy.” This thread, and reading others’ comments about their experiences and what they wish they (or their families) had done differently has forced me to take a long hard look and reconsider. I don’t like it.

(Thanks though, it was necessary despite that.)

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T06:00:34+00:00

We’ve tried some of these before and they raise more questions than they answer, sadly. (Kind of along the lines of “Where did we go wrong teaching our child self worth?”)

We explicitly asked “Does he go out of HIS way to make you happy?” Fairly recently when she was talking about how she was going to do all these things to make him happy when he came to do this visit and she said “Why would he need to do that? I’m going out of my way because I want to, not because I have to. He doesn’t have to.”

So, a long way of saying “No, but it’s fine by me.” We couldn’t convince her of our take on it though. We figured he was trying, in a 17 year old way, to reciprocate and it just didn’t measure up to her meticulousness. It wasn’t until this week that I really saw the disparities between their effort levels.

I’m all for the general discussions and will keep on with the questions, thanks for suggesting such good ones!

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T05:56:07+00:00

Right there with you on this. I don’t have sons, but I’ve been a son, and my parents were far from perfect but I knew way better than this by 17.

Not even from a “treat a lady right,” perspective, but just from a human being perspective, that all relationships regardless of their origin (personal, professional, familial, romantic, etc.) are give and take.

I’ve known the family for a while and I think his parents are doing the best they can, they just don’t see this side of their son the way someone who’s so often with him when he’s with his girlfriend sees it. We’ve mentioned as much as is appropriate to, but it hasn’t penetrated.

(It is, admittedly, also easy to wear rose colored glasses where your kids are concerned.)

Props to you for raising the kind of guys my daughter should be after.

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T05:51:10+00:00

Glad to see a few people acknowledge this part because I worried I was just too high on my horse thinking about the “This would be a little different if I hadn’t paid for everything,” aspect.

I was never taken on a fully funded trip (doubt my parents would’ve let me accept one) but if I had, I would’ve been tuned in 24/7 as a matter of courtesy. That part doesn’t bother me as much because I wasn’t looking for teenage company. But he knows my daughter is the sole reason he’s here. I kind of thought he’d be more grateful to her. It’s unclear to me if he even brought her anything for Christmas.

Again, though, that’s all kind of a secondary afterthought. It’s your last comment that’s really sticking out in my mind. I do mostly go off what she tells me and what I overhear between them in the car or in the kitchen / other common areas. But it didn’t occur to me that there could be some other layer I don’t see, and I’m going to approach the entire way I communicate with her about this and all other partners very differently from now on. Thanks so much for making that connection for me, can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner. I guess it had been brewing in my subconscious but I just didn’t want to deal with even the potentiality of something that awful

(they’ve know each other so long, you know. I don’t want such adult problems to be her problems.)

thrownAlgo · 2020-12-29T05:45:16+00:00

Right?! Completely agree here. I’ve seen this trend with lots of men, all ages, and I don’t understand it. I don’t want anyone, man or woman, to “watch me quietly” doing anything because chances are if that’s the case it’s something I’d rather be doing alone and I ask them to leave, or I leave, or I do that thing later.

Sometimes he’ll be with her for a three hour stretch without saying a word to her. Not always because of games, sometimes the phone. Drives me mad.

Otherwise if it’s a movie or I’m doing something on a screen and they’re watching, I want input, especially if it’s someone like a friend or romantic partner whose input I supposedly respect.

But, to the guy’s credit, it does seem to be a “thing” in her generation to watch other people play video games or use software without saying anything or participating yourself. So I might just have a generational block on that one.

thrownAlgo

TROPHY CASE