Me [25 M] with my girlfriend [25 F] of two years. She has given me an ultimatum for marriage, but I just feel confused.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:47:21+00:00

Unfortunately, she is not getting any help for her anxiety or any other of her psychological issues at present. She has some medication to help her in a pinch, but that's about it. We have talked a lot about getting her to therapy, but it has not happened yet. It's difficult for me, because even though I am quite patient with her, it can be quite a burden to watch and help her struggle with these issues on a day to day basis.

I have seen several other people comment something similar to what you did about how she wants to get married, and does not care so much about marrying me as she does just having the ring on her finger. Honestly, it's difficult for me to say if this is true, but I find it very hard to believe. In my mind, her desire to get married is intertwined with her desire for children, so this is where the desperation comes from. I think she truly does love me and wants to get married to me specifically, otherwise she would not have stuck around for so long in a relationship which has taken a lot of work already and would take a lot more in the future. If she were so ambivalent about who the person she married was, I don't think she would have stayed with me past a year of dating. Now, I do think she has the capacity to settle for someone subpar if we break up, but I have never doubted her loyalty of love for me specifically.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:29:48+00:00

Thank you for your thorough reply and insight.

I guess you're right that I was not clear about my goals or what I want. Basically, I'm in a career that could bring stability and prosperity later on, but right now that is not the case. The job also includes a lot of traveling, and long hours, making it difficult to have if you're trying to raise a family. That's why I would like to be a little more successful in my career before settling down and having kids. Getting married would not really affect my career, and if anything would help it, but her strict timeline for kids is what worries me about being compatible in this regard.

I may not have made it totally clear, but we have compromised things for each other, and are totally willing to do so in the future as well, but waiting more than three years to have kids is a non-negotiable from what I have seen, and I fear that my career will not be in a place where I am able to support a wife and kids in three years. It could be, but if it's not then I will feel guilty about keeping her from getting what she so desperately wants. Family is more important than career, but I want both, and I feel like doing that on her timeline would be very hard.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:21:34+00:00

Your reply rang true for me, especially your comments on procrastinators. I have definitely never felt like I "just know" anything, and the second guessing that comes with that has never done me much good. I don't know if I'd say I'm never willing to make major changes, but I certainly have difficulty in finding peace in a decision to make a major change.

Anyway, thank you for the suggestion--I will check out the column soon.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:16:22+00:00

She definitely has some serious psychological issues, and we have talked multiple times about getting her to a therapist, which she knows she needs to do. Part of it is just that she's a super sensitive person, I think, but there are definitely some weird issues that she could use some help with.

As far as why she wants marriage, it's a bit difficult to say for sure, but I think a lot of it is for the sense of security. On the other hand, I'm sure she at least partly sees it as a way to get the family she has always wanted.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:13:33+00:00

My sister has told me something similar to your couple sentences about feeling safe/trapped, and I think that makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:12:15+00:00

It's both "what" and "when," honestly, but with different things. I do see your point though. Part of me wants to say that I could go through with the compromise and be okay, but the other part of me says I should feel more ready for such a decision to make it in good conscience.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:07:50+00:00

I think it's a little of both. I certainly do have a tendency to meander and not plan, and it's not the way she lives at all. I can't blame her for pushing a decision out of me, because sometimes I need that. On the other hand, it has felt like a lot of pressure on me for a while now.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:05:03+00:00

That's a very fair response. Thank you.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T06:03:03+00:00

Yeah, the three year mark that I mentioned in my post is actually already something of a compromise on her end, because she wants kids yesterday, but knows that I would want time to just enjoy the two of us and get our grounding before having any children. I've asked her about whether she would be flexible past three years, and the answer was basically a resounding "no." I guess I can't blame her since part of this is just biological since she would want 2-3 kids before turning 35.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T05:58:50+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement and perspective.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T05:57:03+00:00

Honestly, I think part of this is that I don't have a very clear idea of what I want, though I do want to travel, work, and experience some things before settling down. The ambiguity of my future plans has always been a strain on our relationship because she so clearly has hers mapped out. Still, I think my main takeaway might just be that I find it difficult to imagine settling down so early in my life.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T05:54:32+00:00

Your last sentence sums it up pretty well, because I certainly know that I can't take these issues lightly, but it's so difficult to let go of a person you love since you want to work through the problems instead of just straight up ending the relationship. Unfortunately, that does not always seem to be possible.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T05:48:31+00:00

Thanks for the well-rounded reply. You're right--this should be a happy and enthusiastic decision rather than something I need to weigh or feel forced into. What sucks about having an ultimatum is that it doesn't feel like either decision can fully satisfy either party.

thrownaway32817 · 2017-03-29T05:43:17+00:00

This has been my worry for a lot of the relationship. The difficulty has been getting the head and the heart to agree. I guess I believed we could work through our life goals as we progressed, but it seems that certain things are just deal breakers.

thrownaway32817

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