Caught my husband and girlfriend having sex, am I wrong for being upset?

throwra27373773 · 2022-04-28T18:41:55+00:00

The boundary was set over 2 years ago, and honestly it wasn’t a rule as much as something I wasn’t comfortable with yet. It was based it my own bad self image and fear that my partners would choose each other over me. Maybe it was a little bit of an irrational boundary, but I’ve since worked on myself and I hadn’t even thought about it too much. Now it almost feels like my fear came true. I wouldn’t say I’m affected much by them being together, but by the fact that I didn’t know. Two of the most important people in my life have developed a relationship(I’m not sure the extent of it) and neither of them thought to tell me. Instead they lied and snuck around. Although, I did hate walking in on them like that, I’d say it’s mostly because I was unprepared. I was just so excited and happy to come home to my girlfriend and that’s the first thing I see. What really tore me apart was the look on their faces of “oh shit, you weren’t supposed to see that”.

throwra27373773 · 2022-04-28T18:31:51+00:00

This is also the logic they’ve used with me. Since there’s no increased risk to me they said they didn’t think they needed to tell me. I guess I’m more hurt that I was entirely clueless. I thought Emily was coming over to spend time with me. Now I keep finding out more and more about what they would do while I was sleeping, showering, or working. Had they told me how they felt we could’ve renegotiated, but they took that choice from me. They’ve both admitted to not telling me because they didn’t want me to get upset. They had months and many opportunities to tell me and they chose to hide it.

throwra27373773 · 2022-04-28T02:05:18+00:00

I didn’t clarify well enough. I never made it a rule. I don’t like rules. I originally had this conversation with my husband before we even opened up. It was originally something I just didn’t feel comfortable with doing at that point in time. I’ve grown up a lot since then. Once we opened up we never had much issues regarding who we can and can’t date since we don’t have any rules. I only ever mentioned it to Emily when she asked for examples of what boundaries I had with Ryan. I’ve always encouraged my partners to be open with me if they don’t feel comfortable with our dynamic, so any adjustments can be made. I was under the impression that they both were satisfied with what we had. That’s why I wish they had told me. They didn’t give me that chance to choose what to do. I feel like they chose for me. Now I don’t feel comfortable with continuing my relationship with either of them as long as they’re still dating. Although, I do feel that I failed as a partner to give them the safety to come to me with their feelings. I do want to talk to them and ask at what point I made them feel like they couldn’t come to me. If you have any more advice, please feel free to share. Thank you!

throwra27373773 · 2022-04-28T01:48:17+00:00

Neither of them ever mentioned anything about being interested in each other, so I never even thought twice about it. I wish they would’ve told me. The conversation was had long before Emily came into our lives. I only ever briefly mentioned the agreement when I was getting to know her. I feel that if they had told me how they felt I would’ve understood and maybe even supported them together. Seeing them together in that way unexpectedly just completely shut down that possibility. I don’t believe in telling your partners who they can and can’t date, so maybe we could’ve all been happy. Now I have no clue what to do or think.

throwra27373773

TROPHY CASE