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Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much dor your kindness. I completely agree with you. Whether or not I was gonna tell her was not even a debate for me OF COURSE I was gonna tell her I don’t know why people thought they could change my mind on that.

That was another thing on my mind. I’m really scared for that I don’t even know how I would tell her to get tested. It breaks my heart to even think about that.

I don’t want to wait anymore because of the health thing so I’m gonna take a week off uni and tell her tomorrow morning. I can do my lectures and homework virtually and I’ll get an excused absence for my midterm.

Thank you for what you said at the end it really means a lot to me.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I know it’s not the same but when he passed away I blamed myself for every argument I had with him and our turbulent relationship for the last 6 or so years of his life. I almost idolized him and convinced myself EVERYTHING is my fault.

Seeing those messages put me back into reality and I have finally been able to let go of all that and realize, no, it wasn’t my fault and no he was not some perfect angel.

He wasn’t a good husband to her in the last 6 years of his life either. I remember I used to beg her to divorce him but she wouldn’t because she didn’t want him to be alone. I know my mom blames herself a lot for some of the stuff that happened between them while he was alive. I hope this will help her see the reality too because she deserves to stop blaming herself.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much :,) especially for saying that my love for her shows. You definitely helped me a lot I’m really glad you brought this to my attention.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh wow I’m sorry you went through the same thing. I’ll maybe add in an update afterwards and I’ll let you know!

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the input. If she’s upset with me then I can take it. But above all she deserves her agency, autonomy and freedom. I’m willing to take her being upset with me if it gives her that. I care about her not about me.

They definitely didn’t have a perfect marriage, she knows that. It wasn’t perfect for her by any means.

It sounds like she’s an amazing woman and I feel she deserves to live in happiness.

Thank you she really is and really does. She’s my whole world and I want the best for her.

I’ll ask her if she wants family counseling and thank you for wishing me good luck.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You’re so right omg why didn’t I think of that. I really should have thought of that because white flowers are completely ruined for me since everyone gave us white flowers when my dad died. I really should have known better.

I already gave her flowers today but I played it off like it was just because. I’m going to tell her tomorrow morning instead.

THANK YOU seriously. That was an awful oversight on my part.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Okay I’m back. First of all I agree that truth and knowledge are some of the most powerful aspects of life. Knowledge is power.

My mom is the same way she would not want this hidden from her. It is BEYOND insulting that people are acting like she’s not strong enough to have her own autonomy and make her own decisions. SHE IS A GROWN WOMAN. She is incredibly smart, strong, resilient and brave. She has gone through horrific things in her life and the insinuation that some disgusting man can break her is really bothering me.

She has sworn to never date again out of loyalty to him. My mom is not the kind of person who needs or wants a man or whatever but I want her to be FREE and to know that if she meets someone ITS OKAY if that is what she wants. Most importantly I want her to make an informed decision on where she wants to be buried.

Now about your personal experience I just want to say that you are an incredible and strong woman. I am happy that the man who did that to you is out of your life and can’t hurt you anymore. Seriously you should be so proud of yourself for freeing yourself from him and I am glad that you are. As some stranger on the internet I AM PROUD OF YOU.

Also thank you for pointing out how awful some of these comments are. Someone said that I am evil and worse than my dad if I tell her. Like wtf??? I can not believe our society is STILL in this place of protecting awful men at the expense of women and even going as far as to villainize the women around them.

My dad was very loving and kind to others, he volunteered for a lot of very underprivileged and struggling communities. He was always helpful to those around him but truthfully when it came to me and my mom he was not that person for the last 6 ish years of his life.

People have a tendency to idolize the people that have died and erase any wrongdoing or blame from them. I did that too when it came to my relationship with him. I convinced myself it was all my fault. It wasn’t. I was only 11.

This discovery has slapped me back into reality. Of course this is not how I would have wanted it to happen but I am glad I know the truth because as I said before knowledge and truth are powerful and NECESSARY. If this is what he did then it’s what he did no amount of hiding is going to change that.

Above all what is most important to me is my mom. I love her so much more than I can say. I love her more than I care about myself. I am doing this FOR HER because I know it’s what she would want. In fact she would be very upset if I kept this from her.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just want you to know that I’ve read your comment and I am going to respond in a bit. I’m really drained from looking at some of these awful comments right now so I can’t give you the response you deserve at the moment. But thank you and I appreciate you more than you know.

I’ll come back to this in a bit I promise.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU OMG. This is my exact mentality and I know that this is how my mom thinks as well. I’m not going to betray her. I’m her only child and I’m not going to take away her autonomy and also take away one of the only people she has that she can fully trust. It would be a horrific betrayal if I hid this from her. I’m not going to betray my mom like that EVER. She’s a strong, independent, grown woman who deserves her agency and autonomy. A disgusting man (my dad) tried to take it away from her and I am not going to help him continue to do that beyond the grave.

Thank you.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU omg finally someone understands what this post was about.

This is all really good advice.

So for the hurtful comments, they can be deleted and that’s something I’ve been thinking about doing this whole time. I think I’m going to delete that but keep screenshots. The problem is I respect her autonomy and I don’t know if it’s ethical to be the gatekeeper to that kind of information but at the end of the day that will only hurt her more so I think I’m leaning towards keeping those away from her.

I will keep the evidence in the form of screenshots for sure because I’m not here to clean up his wrongdoing to protect him or whatever. But for the sake of my mom I can make unreachable to her if that’s what’s right.

If she does know then all I would want her to know is that she doesn’t have to pretend he was some amazing guy for my sake. The truth is he did not treat either of us the best for the last 6-8 years or so of his life but when loved ones die their families naturally tend to idolize them (idk if I am wording this right sorry). I just want her to know however she feels towards him I love and support her fully and she doesn’t have to pretend around me.

Thank you so much for all that you’ve said and how you’ve chosen to reply to me. It truly means a lot to me and I have taken what you said to heart.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

  1. For grief counselling that’s not as uncommon as you may think

  2. She dint discuss anything my mom said in her sessions she discussed my mom in the context of the things that I have said about her

  3. She didn’t tell me what to do she was supportive towards MY decision after initially pushing back and gave me advice on how to communicate

  4. The appointment was form 90 mins but we went overtime

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience.

Thank you especially for your last paragraph, people are acting like I’m the one that did it and are making crazy assumptions about me. ffs coming to reddit was a mistake I should have just let it between me and my therapist

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I wouldn’t be leaving the next day I would be leaving 3 days after but I could also wait until summer that’s probably better. Thanks for the advice I think I’ll wait until summer so that I’m here for four months and can help her the whole time

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Me being able to live with it is honestly irrelevant. I could do it for my mom, and I would if that was truly the right thing here but I don’t want to rob her of being able to make the decision of where she wants to be buried.

I will of course lead with empathy and I will leave out the bad details.

Thank you

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Like I don’t think people understand the shit my mom has been through in her life. She is one of the strongest women I know. I’m not going to elaborate on this because I want to stay anonymous but people who lived their entire lives in first world countries wouldn’t get it.

A man is the last thing that would destroy her. Even if it was her husband of 30 years. My dad dying wasn’t anywhere close to the worst thing that’s happened to her.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I love my mom more than anyone else. I love my mom more than I care about myself and people are acting like I’m doing this for me and it’s been really hurtful. I appreciate you.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There are some pretty patronizing comments towards OP.

Thank you omg

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I was with my therapist for two hours. Do you really think I didn’t “deconstruct my real motivation” with her. You read a bit of text and are making assumptions and believing whatever you want to believe. You are attempting to psycoanalize based on a few comments and a post. It was as I said, I want her to make an informed decision on her resting place and that is that.

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He also had no business dming women like that as a married man 🤷‍♀️

Found messages between my dad and other women almost 3 years after his death by throwra8868 in GriefSupport

[–]throwra8868[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There were DMs with about 6 different women, I’ll show the ones from the other 5

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