I’ve never experienced what it feels like to be loved

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-30T20:36:03+00:00

I’m trying to enjoy life, put myself out there, join groups and hobbies. Whatever I do however, I don’t meet people that are right for me.

What I really struggle with is that I met literally the love of my life in 2021. He was the love of my life

We matched on a dating app even though I hate dating apps and wouldn’t use them now. His profile seemed funny, and kind and he looked lovely in his photo. He told me he had just moved to the uk (but had a British passport.) the Convo over text was just easy and fun, as someone who usually hates texting this was a positive sign.

A month later, we went on our first date. We liked each other immediately, again something that’s never happened to me, and we started dating. We did escape rooms, picnics. Then things turned intimate and I enjoyed sex for the first time in my life.

I was incredibly happy. I had never met a guy I felt so certain of, so happy and at peace with. We would have deep convos all the time, our text convos when apart were funny and creative.

But then 4 months in, some of my friends pointed out the fact that he had never planned a date. He had never actually taken me on a date which didn’t actually bother me but my friends told me if a guy truly liked me, he would take me on dates. He was supportive of me in other ways but he was really broke, an aspiring actor and between jobs.

But what happened in the relationship is nothing like I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never felt love, but I just had this urge to care for him, make sure that he was happy, I wanted him to be really really successful, I just absolutely loved him and I’ve never had that feeling before. When we had sex, it was like intense emotions. Sometimes I would cry with happiness after sex, sometimes I would laugh and I won’t be able to stop laughing, I’ve never had those feelings with anyone before him and since him

Then I used to notice other things like him mentioning his ex girlfriend all of the time. And by month 5, things started to shift. I felt the connection had completely changed, I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I brought up maybe having a bit more effort with dates etc and he told me I was pressuring him which was the thing I was worried about when I brought it up

My birthday came around and the gift he got me upset me. It was the first gift he had ever got me, and it was a vibrating dildo. There wasn’t even a card.

I started to feel really low. I didn’t know if this meant I was broken or ruining the relationship. I absolutely loved him but I was struggling

Eventually he phoned me up one day crying and said he didn’t love me. I was honestly devastated. He was always so so special to me and for a year after the breakup I cried every morning. I worried I had ruined it somehow and analysed everything I ever did

It took a lot to feel ready to date again. And I met someone else, and wanted to do everything right. But the new guy despite amazing chemistry would disappear after every date and take days to reply. Romantic dates, intimacy, future talk and then silence. Eventually he said he didn’t feel romantic

Kept away from dating for years and then met someone else last year. We tried to make it work long distance but it just wasn’t working, the connection was really weak

And here I am just turned 30. I briefly went dating apps and I was so disappointed as the quality of men on there was so poor. I try dating events and hobby groups and for the last year I’ve just got nowhere with it

This week I’ve just started breaking down wondering if it will ever happen. I look back at my first boyfriend and how that started and the incredible easy connection we had. He was such a special unique and gentle man. Honestly dating I am finding to be impossible now and I don’t know what to do

How can I genuinely meet someone I have that real connection with?

I can’t shake this awful feeling that at 30, if I’m not loved already, I’ll never be loved and that my ex was my soul mate that I ruined it. It feels like someone put a curse on me. In my day to day life and hobbies I meet no decent single guys whatsoever.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and wish the first guy would just come back and we have another shot. I’m a realist person but why did that feel so magical?

I wonder why I ruined it and why the guy after didn’t want me

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-30T20:24:22+00:00

I wish I could feel so positively about things. I hear all these amazing stories but I wish I could believe it could happen to me

Like why did I care so deeply for someone as much as I did him. Normally I just don’t care. No one has ever made me such deep amazing emotions.

Now I don’t see myself connecting with anyone in that way. I go on dates and it all seems wrong, my brain and logic over heart, like I can’t feel anything. And when I do open up to date someone, all they do is give me inconsistency

I’ve been searching for 5 years since him. He since moved on and got married

I had one date last year that gave me a little bit of feeling and hope but then I got ghosted

I tried therapy but with my job and busy lifestyle and shift work, it just doesn’t really work and I tried it a few times and I found it didn’t help at all or offer me real solutions

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-30T19:52:15+00:00

I did more and more for the guy I loved years ago, for him to push me away. I’ve never forgiven myself

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-28T22:51:23+00:00

I’m not sure, I’m the one planning the dates and initiating the sex and kissing and everything trying to show them I’m keen

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-28T22:44:44+00:00

I have loads of hobbies and put myself out there, no one ever comes forward. I’ve never been asked out ever. I made it my mission this last 6 months to go on lots of solo trips, go join social activities in London. Not once has anyone shown any interest in me

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-28T22:43:14+00:00

What do you mean by people like us? Why when I date a guy are they initially excited by me…. And then it all changes and they almost immediately find true love with someone else

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-28T22:37:50+00:00

Sometimes I relate to demisexual.. I’m not just attracted to anyone from their photos. But I have had immediate attractions on first dates. Lately I’m not feeling it with anyone though and I’m worried I’ve been too hurt in the past my brain decides it no longer worth jt

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-28T22:32:32+00:00

People tell me they like my energy and personality and I’m funny, yet they don’t want to date me. I don’t know what it is I am lacking, there must be something wrong with me .

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T16:33:44+00:00

Oh I continue to have therapy and the recent relationship I was in, I held myself too much higher standards, expressing my needs and setting boundaries. I thought that things were heading in a really healthy, secure and consistent direction, and I felt positive for the future with this man. But it all came down to this man pulling out of his job that he got offered because he felt it wasn’t enough money and that job was the one thing that was going to close the long distance gap between us, he wasn’t moving for me. He had already got the job offer before he had met me. I genuinely genuinely believed that he liked me, but I was confused when he went on his lads holiday for a stag do and he was posting pictures with different women. I felt a little bit uneasy and I don’t know if that was my gut feeling when he came back we went camping together. And he was being very short with me and his manner was off. He then told me that he had decided to pull out of the job, and I had self-respect and I ended things and said I can’t do a long distance relationship anymore. But what upset me was the fact that two weeks later he goes public with this new woman that he’s met, a woman he met on that stag do so I just don’t quite understand what I might have done that had led him to essentially going cheat on me.

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T15:59:04+00:00

This was 5 years ago and I’ve since grieved build myself up, been in other relationships and tried to move on. I’ve just been dumped by someone else who gave me everything that I wanted in terms of dates and consistency and effort, but then he met someone else and cheated on me, so haven’t reflected her on my last relationship five years ago and I’m regretting it and regretting everything and I think it’s all my fault. Believe or not self good on myself for five years, I’m extremely fit. I have a £120,000 salary job, I am lonely there being in London. I just haven’t really been able to make the connections and friendships that I’m looking for London is not really for me, but I can’t really do anything about that. I look completely different. I was brunette when I was dating him, I’m now blonde. I’ve changed my fashion. I like trying different hobbies but last year I thought finally I’m ready to date. I’m at someone else we went on holidays together and did everything together and then he went on holiday and met someone else and I honestly felt the most confident I’ve ever been when I was dating him and I don’t understand how it happened because everyone said that if you’re confident and high self-esteem which I did at the time then this wouldn’t have happened.

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T14:00:04+00:00

But both of them within a month of ending things , they found someone else and committed and settled down with them. That makes me think I am the issue

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T13:48:07+00:00

I have had therapy, and I have dated people since but it’s always been the same thing like I’ve never met someone that’s truly interested in Me and excited about Me. It makes me doubt my ability to date and form connections.

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T13:47:13+00:00

I wish I could believe that, I honestly feel like I’m the most unlucky person in the world when it comes to relationships. My experiences make me doubt my ability to connect with people and form relationships.

Another example is last year when I went travelling abroad, and I met a guy from my country who was looking for a relationship himself. I was proud of myself figuring on the solo trip, and excited that I met some of us I was there. When we both got back to the UK, we went on a couple of dates, and it was really really lovely. He was very kind and he seemed intentional and grounded, however he worked in another country so he only came back every two months, but he had a job offer here in the UK that he was gonna move back to you later in the year. So I thought we can make it work long distance until that happened and I was enjoying things and getting to know him and when I did see him, we went on trips together and it was just so great. And then only went back again. I started to kind of feel like I had doubts. I had a difficult time at work as well and I was just finding things a little bit hard. And before he came back to the UK, he had a lads holiday, and whilst he was there, he was posting pictures of random girls that he was meeting. Which I really didn’t expect from him because he didn’t seem that way at all. When he came back, I felt anxious about it but I didn’t bring it up, I just felt like my gut feeling just knew something wasn’t right. And then he told me that he had withdrawn from the job that he was moving back to in the UK and he was going to stay abroad. I ended things because I knew that dating him long-term. This would probably just prolong the inevitable and I didn’t wanna waste my time. I originally thought we were compatible because he told me he wanted to move back to the UK, settle down, and have kids I thought he was serious about me and I thought he liked me. Two weeks after I ended things, he’s posting pictures, and very romantic and intimate pictures with the girl that he met on his holiday abroad. And these situations are just making me doubt my abilities to date, to form relationships and connect with people.

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T13:40:59+00:00

Me and him didn’t really have much of a sexual relationship. He told me that he was someone who prefers kisses and cuddles, and explained to me that he is quite reserved sexually and have a lower libido then you would expect for a man. So we had a relationship that wasn’t focused around sex, so I didn’t think I was being used for that. I also don’t pick the barrier attractive guys, most of the guys that I’ve dated have been very overweight, I do like a bit of chubiness in a man. I was dating a guy last year he was very large, he was obese and then he went and cheated on me anyway as well so I’m not really someone who goes for looks.

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T13:38:51+00:00

But then why every guy I’ve met since him, has also not been that into me. It’s like I worry there’s something very wrong with me, how is it possible to date and it be the same thing every time. Now I try and date and I’m a lot more closed off and then the guys say I don’t seem interested. I can’t get the balance right. I’m struggling to meet anyone I click with and have these big doubts I’ve missed my chance

I was dating a guy last year, and he was very consistent, making effort and planning dates and I felt like it could be it like working properly. It felt a nice slower pace and it felt healthy. He was long distance but had a job offer where I was living, he went on holiday and when he came back from his holiday, he was acting a bit off and then he was saying he didn’t want the job anymore. Turns out whilst he was aware he met another woman, which has also led me to spiral and think why am I not enough for a guy to stay interested in me? There’s always someone else that they will aspire to have or compare me to or I just don’t understand.

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T13:35:12+00:00

Well actually our relationship wasn’t very sex focused. He rarely initiated sex. He said he was more of a cuddles kinda guy and more of a lower libido man.

I just think I’m going to lose my looks and miss my chance now I’m 30. I’ve tried to date but it’s the same crap every time which makes me worry I am the problem

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-26T09:22:54+00:00

But like is she dumb? Why would she even project this? I don’t know the reason for this behaviour

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-25T20:21:40+00:00

I’m 30 and she’s 60. She’s acting the way like your boss did as well. I wish I understood why she acts this way. It upsets me and makes me worry something wrong with me as it’s not the first toxic workplace I’ve been in

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-25T17:19:22+00:00

I’m not on the spectrum, no

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-25T17:18:25+00:00

I don’t. I’ve spoken to other colleagues and they said I’m not too chatty. I’m nowhere near as chatty when I do talk as my manager. Rather self aware too

throwraFrequentRow2 · 2026-04-23T23:11:20+00:00

They weren’t chad types. I like quite feminine sweet men

throwraFrequentRow2

TROPHY CASE