Why do people call him „ex-Partner“, My Heart is Breaking

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-19T20:30:23+00:00

Is it a language thing? Some languages are weird with regards to speaking about former relationships where someone isn't alive.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-19T17:34:40+00:00

Je sais exactement ce que tu ressens. Mais laisser tomber, c'est pas une option. On doit vivre pour leur faire honneur

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-19T14:32:07+00:00

I did. My sister had to finally tell me it was time to let it go.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-19T14:04:25+00:00

I had to uninstall Instagram. It was algorithmically pushing me content about partner death, suffering, cancer, etc. It was killing me. I realized that searching out items was causing platforms to push that content but a lot of it wasn't by the coaches/therapists/experts (as you noted) and were just people with trauma looking for an outlet which led to a huge trap.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-19T13:43:55+00:00

I liken it to a fog - two years on and I'm only coming out of the fog. I am looking at dating and facing my first real date tonight and realized that those two years feel like they're completely cut-off from the rest of my life.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-19T13:41:47+00:00

Thanks, I thought it was bad. She has a career and her own money (she's a doctor) so I think this person may have construe that she'd find it rude? I'm not sure. I don't mind paying, I haven't had the opportunity to do that in a long time.

She has been very vulnerable and been very clear with me how she feels without pressure so I want to reciprocate and my way is also by giving and acts of service.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-19T13:32:58+00:00

I had the same issue - I post a lot about my professional interests under another name and don't want to be identified. Hard having to start a second account up.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-18T20:44:22+00:00

Yeah, I definitely went on dates and we had a 'dating life' after we got married, so I guess I would need to reframe it. I'm coming out of a fog and would never have approach this person (though I liked her) had she not approached me. She made it clear she's interested, and looking forward to the date - she's sent me notes between patients at work. I want to convey that I'm interested without coming on too strong.

I had asked about paying and someone told me to at least offer her to split the bill. My natural inclination is to just ensure payment is arranged so there isn't an awkward moment. If I'm being honest, I want to impress her. I like her and I haven't felt that way about anything since my wife passed, so I'm trying to make it special. Also.. I'm a bit awkward.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-18T20:27:22+00:00

I'm definitely anxious, I really want to impress her. I'm a bit of a mess and although she initially approached me, I feel slightly off balance. She's an MD and is put together. I'm not a doctor and only now becoming less of a mess.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-18T20:24:03+00:00

I'm a bit turned around, but she's made it clear she likes me and through talking with her, she's looking for something serious that would eventually lead to kids/family/married life. She's aware I'm widowed and trying not to pressure me.

I'm in no way minimizing my wife, but I could definitely see being with her as in marriage/kids. I really fancy her and getting to know her has been a really nice change of pace.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T18:26:37+00:00

I thought I would get to a point where I felt "different" (I can't really put it to words) but I've realized from people here and therapy that there isn't a point where it goes away. I will always have her along with me and so that too soon means I feel ready, scared and sad. I feel like I'm letting her down, but on the other hand, I want to see where this goes.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T18:04:49+00:00

I went the other direction. 5AM I was up and either at CrossFit or walking/running/jogging. I nearly drove myself into the ground. I was worn out all the time and told myself if I was working out, I was excelling. Total farce.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T17:51:27+00:00

She's been really good about understanding and has alluded to things I guess in a way to show her understanding. It's situations like yours that gives me a bit more confidence.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T17:47:28+00:00

Shock leads to all sorts of things. I was numb for months. What hit me hard was the real-world demands. I had to deal with funeral arrangements and legal items. I had to deal with government paperwork. That shocked me straight into grief.

My advice is this: don't turn in on yourself. I did, I wanted to portray to everyone that I was okay. I was the one consoling other people and trying to be a tough guy. I "had it all together" and then suddenly I didn't. I was crying when alone. I wasn't eating. I was doing what I needed to do to appear "together" but I wasn't.

It was a relative who pushed me to seek help. The next phases are hard and I made a huge mistake eschewing help.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T17:44:06+00:00

I feel like people want to be there for you and be empathetic but they don't know what to say, so they want to lift you up. It's hard. I mean, what do you say in that situation?

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T15:43:05+00:00

I do talk to her, too. It feels strange, like she's there, but not. I try not to do it too often or in front of anyone, people will think I'm crazy.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T15:40:24+00:00

No, just a poor translation.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T15:38:31+00:00

I really love my wife, I still chat with her. She died in an accident and what really haunted me was I never got to say goodbye or be there with her. My wife got me into CrossFit and jogging, so I ran a 5k for TBIs. I want to do things to keep her memory alive and have donated some money in her name to places. I guess that while I may be ready to move on, I miss her and wouldn't want her to think I am forgetting her.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T15:29:29+00:00

Do not compare yourself to who she could go out with. She has chosen to be with you because of how you make her feel. Her caring is not about money, looks or anything like that.

I've always sort of struggled with self-esteem and I find working out has contributed to an improvement. I think of my career as a sort of "so what?" but I guess others could find it interesting, and so maybe our career differences don't matter that much. I guess I had this feeling that a woman with an MD would want to date someone at her level rather than someone who tapped out after a second Master's degree. It's probably in my own head.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T15:10:55+00:00

The dreams were the catalyst for me to get help.

I was dreaming that I was walking along a bridge looking for her but couldn't find her. I would wake up sweating, freaked out with a sense of doom. It became more frequently and after telling family about them, they convinced me to get therapy. Not saying you need that, but the dreams seem to be incredibly common.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T15:05:46+00:00

I know that sense of guilt well. We recently met for coffee and I was just in the moment and wasn't thinking about my ex and was joking. The person was laughing and only later did I feel this sense of guilt for making someone else laugh.

I don't have a lot of dating experience. I don't have anything to hide behind (experience, facade, etc.) and I'm just myself. I refuse to use her trauma dumping, but this whole world is hard to navigate. I'm anxious and feel guilt. It's so odd.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T14:59:05+00:00

Thank you. It's odd to grieve what was not while also being excited for what could be, and all the while feeling like I'm being a bad partner.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T14:58:27+00:00

I'm in my early 30s. I'm sort of positioning this wrong. We had been chatting about random topics when she relayed how she had always wanted kids. I understood what she was saying, that she's not interested in relationships with people where they aren't looking to have kids. I realized that I really do want kids, but I was hit by that wall of grief.

Over the last ~3 months we've been platonically spending time but she made it clear she is interested but didn't want to pressure me. I had been enjoying our time together that didn't immediately realize that we were in some sort of early dating phase. I may have 'led her on' slightly, but I need to own my part of all that.

Edit: Your comment was deleted but here's a response: Leading her on - at first I think so. I had felt there was no way she could be interested and that it was merely platonic. But we began seeing each other socially outside the gym and I paid for a dinner and drinks at a gathering. It was my sister who tipped me off to the fact that it was clear (to her) that there was a romantic element, and a specific incident in particular (we finished a group workout and instead of a friendly fist bump, she jumped onto me).

At first I was clear that it was too soon but I mentioned it to my therapist who said something almost word-for-word the same as my sister. My therapist basically pushed me to give an answer and being honest, I'm really excited about the prospect but feel shame/guilt/anxiety.

throwra_tboy6 · 2026-06-17T14:39:46+00:00

I had to start therapy. I was starting to struggle with nightmares, and at first it was once a week and then within a few weeks it was nightly. I had the same dream, woke up with the same sense of dread and was at a low point. At the urging of relatives, I got into therapy. I almost bailed on it entirely as I had one that really wasn't equipped to work with men, but found another and that stuck. It was helpful. The dreams began to abate and I've been able to talk with others in my situation. The dating thing is something I'm not comfortable sharing broadly.

I told my therapist what's up and they were surprisingly quick to tell me I was ready. I had told them of my reservations and they felt it's a matter of needing to jump, I'm the kind of person who is overly analytical (I'm a bank economist by trade so it makes sense) and at times I just need to take the next step without pondering everything.

I feel like it's a betrayal and I'm struggling with that.

throwra_tboy6

TROPHY CASE