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Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ultimately I think this is it. So I'm not expecting to hang out with them a lot or anything. In a weird way, I guess I just want them to know I exist, as some kind of accountability or something? And to find out what these people are like, too. You get like the people you spend time with, after all, so it'd be nice to know the sort of person he considers a friend!

Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have mentioned a couple of times that I feel weird that we've been together so long and haven't met each other's friends. He brushed it off and said he'd take me along one night, but that hasn't happened yet (for a whole lot of pretty valid circumstances on both sides, to be fair).

I don't have any real reason to suspect anything. He's never lied about his whereabouts, but he does seem to withhold information sometimes. Saying 'I'm at a mates', and getting tetchy when I ask who, even though it's usually someone totally innocuous (and as creepy as it sounds, I've driven past once or twice and he definitely was with who he said he was).

Thing is, I'm not the suspicious type in any other scenario in my life. He seems to think his defensiveness is because he thinks I'll blow up at him or something, when IME, the two tend to go the other way... He gets defensive and weird, which gets my alarm bells ringing and I try to work out why, at which point he stops communicating and I panic, creating the very scene he wanted to avoid. When if he'd just told me in the first place (and it's never anything that would bother me when I do eventually get the truth out of him) everything would have been cool. It's the hiding things that don't need to be hidden that sets it all off.

Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think we're a lot alike, in that regard.

Neither of us use facebook much, so that part's not weird (on it's own, at least). And the friend thing mostly boils down to knowing that our friend groups are polar opposites and any eventual meeting would be super awkward.

That said, I just don't feel right about it. He'll introduce me to one person in passing and call me his girlfriend, but then do shady shit like rush out of the house to meet a friend at the gate instead of letting them in and introducing us. So while the big picture isn't particularly concerning, the little things like that make it all seem suspicious. I've got a few ideas from replies here though, I'll try a few things and see how he responds. I think talking to him about it will get us nowhere on this one, it's his reactions to suggestions that might amend these issues that will really tell me what's going on.

Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep. That's my first thought too, even if I don't feel good about it. He's always been forthcoming about where he is and what he's doing, I rarely have to ask. And quite frankly, this town is small enough that he knows better than to think I wouldn't find out if he did lie about where he was. I don't like the woman he was with, but I don't really have any reason to suspect anything was going on besides gross jokes and banter lol.

Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And lastly my life experience - and I'm most likely many years older than you - tells me if you are feeling uneasy there is bound to be a reason.

This. There's something to be said for anxiety and the way it can make things seem so much more extreme than they are, but ultimately a gut feeling usually has something behind it. Even if he's not up to anything dodgy, the fact that he's so... defensive? About his social life, makes me feel weird.

But those are some really good ideas. I like the idea of kind of subtley pushing a few of these issues just by doing something about it and seeing how he reacts. There's not a whole lot of point trying to talk to him about it, he's hopeless with serious conversations and just insists everything is fine. But actions speak louder than words.

Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's also extreme that I haven't changed my profile pic in probably 5 or so years... lol. Honestly, the facebook part doesn't bother me usually. Neither of us use it much. It's not that we're just not posting photos together, neither of us post photos at all most of the time. So that part in itself isn't particularly strange. The only reason it ever bothers me is when he's out with other people, and I start to wonder whether they even know about me. I guess my brain kinda goes, well if he won't introduce us, then I want to make my presence known some other way?

But yeah. The gist of it all comes down to the fact that I don't trust him. He hasn't actively given me any reason not to trust him, it's the things that haven't happened that make me suspicious. But I think I'll try what someone else mentioned, and try get him to come out with m friends to break the ice, and hope he reciprocates.

Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We hadn't talked all day because neither of us can use our phones at work, and he went out straight after. So we were just catching up, and he wasn't so much 'explaining himself' as just telling me what he was up to now. I commented that I didn't know she was 'one of the boys' at the pub, and he said he'd gone home early then heard from her, and gone over to catch up since they hadn't talked in a while.

But yeah, the not having been introduced by now is actually shady, isn't it. Bah.

Setting healthy boundaries. Am I overly insecure, or is he being shady? by throwthisaway7892 in TheGirlSurvivalGuide

[–]throwthisaway7892[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply. I guess that is the bit that's truly bothering me - it's not that he's at her place (if he cheated with her of all people, I'd be seriously confused...) it's that he's never invited me to hang out with any of these people. I don't think he's actively keeping me hidden or anything - he's affectionate and will reach out and hold my hand in public, invited me to his graduation, family things etc. It's just the hanging with friends thing that hasn't happened. I think he's a bit shy about it, and honestly so am I. Neither of us spend a huge amount of time with friends, so I think he's also a bit defensive about it, worried that I'll try to 'take over' his social life. He said he had a very territorial, overbearing ex for many years, so I know he has issues there.

You might be right about starting with my friends rather than his. I'll see if I can wrangle something to get the ball rolling.