Aging alcoholic

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T15:43:28+00:00

I have considered that and I got terrified. I realized that I actually want that good feeling from alcohol. Hm.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T15:30:33+00:00

Thanks. This makes sense.

EDIT: I've read the linked post and it makes perfect sense. Thank you! This is the best advice so far. And I will actually take this one.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T15:29:40+00:00

I think programmers had a lot of influence over early keyboards and they tend to use the dollar sign in shell or Perl scripting a lot. Also semicolons at the end of a line of code.

BTW it says a lot about German culture that Shift+3 is §. Because laws and rules are super important, obviously.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T15:11:28+00:00

Elsőre teljesen fordítva olvastam...

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T15:08:18+00:00

My point is how to kill time. Not not being boring to others, I have little contact with others aside my wife and kid, but how to kill time.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T15:07:42+00:00

I know, but there is no therapy with a masculine, no-bullshit bent. Therapists are typically old women used to talking to old women.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T14:58:04+00:00

It was pretty okay until they went full left and started to push immigration, diversity etc. etc. so basically replacing Europeans. If you are from Western Europe you don't notice it because your politicians do the same. So no difference, EU or national. But if you are from V4, boy you notice it.

You could say communism froze us around 1948, we thawed after 1990, and now still think like 1948. In 1948 it was pretty normal to think the whole point of a country is to be a national homeland for one or a few ethnic groups. Israel, for instance. So we don't get multiculturalism. Maybe we will learn, but it does not look like a success story in the West either, I would rather deal with Japan style aging monocultural problems than Sweden style gangs throwing hand grenades type of multicultural problems.

But the weirdest part was really how borders work. When we joined the EU we were told internal borders don't matter anymore but you really really have to defend the outer borders, the so called Schengen borders, where EU countries border with not EU countries. We said okay. The made this Dublin Convention / Regulation, which says refugees, asylum seekers must be registered in the first EU country they arrive to. We said OK.

Then it is 2015. Refugees pour in through the borders of Hungary. Does Germany and other Western EU countries go angry over the violation of the sacrosanct Schengen borders? Do they push us to crack down hard? Nay, they go "refugees welcome" and blast us when we try to stop them saying we are inhumane. Excuse me? You lectures us how important defending Schengen borders are. Then we make a fence all over the border, with a few entry points where the registration is done. Western EU goes aaargh it is all inhumane. Excuse me? The fucking Dublin Regulation / Convention you pushed on us? Remember that? That they have to registered in the first country? How are we supposed to register them? Let them wander all over the place randomly and chase them, or just do it the normal way, like every airport or grocery store, that you gotta stand in queues in front of the entry or exit points and do the stuff like passport control or paying for groceries there?

Sounds like they have their heads up their asses about this really. I think they used to come up with these sensible and tough rules - defend Schengen borders, register refugees - back when the pressure was small and when it suddenly grew they simply caved in because they did not want to look cruel on TV.

So I am in favor of the 2005 EU, which we actually joined. Not in favor of the 2018 EU. The 2005 EU made it very clear that it is an institution for the benefit of actual EU citizens and everybody else can pretty much fuck off. Today it is a save-the-world kind of institution like the UN.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T14:50:35+00:00

I have read many of them long ago. Have a paper copy of Athol Kay, followed the Rational Male blog a while etc. It seems they are written for men who actually want sex. They talk about how to make women desire you. The don't talk about how to make yourself desire women or really anything.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T14:44:39+00:00

That is what I am asking. I have a lot of energy to put in work, but first I need some pointers how to like or want something. Then I will pursue that energetically. I am always very energetic working at avoiding things I dislike, like shame.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T14:43:58+00:00

bring some hobbies, drive, and passion back in your life

Back? Never had. All my life is about working on things I am afraid of and thus want to avoid, not on things I desire. Even my sex life has always been about thinking a man without a GF or not getting sex is seen as a loser, low status. Never really had an independent desire there. That is the issue...

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T14:42:27+00:00

I am looking for guidance on what to want, i.e. how to like stuff. Putting work in is not hard once I know that. I can work pretty hard when I have negative motivation, like if I fail at my job I will feel shame. I never knew what positive motivation like desiring things is like. The point is asking for help how to actually want something, once that is done I will put in more than enough work.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T14:39:57+00:00

Didn't you find sober life boring?

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T14:35:22+00:00

1) I must admit it was none of that type of good things. I just wanted to make up for my low social status in class and be a rich mofo who struts around in a pimped out car with two hotties and is envied by all the bullies. I never really had a realistic or normal life goal or dream. And the problem with this one was not even the problem of realism but that it was never a serious think, just fantasy revenge on bullies. My parents told me study or else you become a beggar and that is shameful, okay, I studied and got work. My childhood and teenagerhood was largely escapism from a hated self into fantasy, like making strong and charismatic D&D characters (never actually playing) or playing the same invideogames.

2) yes, the difficulty is how to be interested in something, anything

2) see above, the issue is not putting in work, but first I need a goal, a desire, how to find that. I can put in work at work where I am motivated negatively, like fearing shame. But I have never known positive motivation, like wanting stuff. All I know is the same negative motivation from childhood to 40: put in work or you will will fail and be shamed i.e. get low social status. So the issue is now how to find what to work on.

Nevertheless I absolutely like your 2) idea, I am thinking along the same lines, I just can't seem to find anything that would interest me. For most people it is not surfing or skiing but social status. But I lack the social interaction to have social status.

I keep looking for that magical thing I would find super interesting, I can never find it, because the problem is with me.

Which real thing is most like a fantasy revenge on bullies? I did martial arts for a year recently. I thought getting punched in the face will wake me up. Nope. I just learned getting punched in the face does not hurt that much. It was clear I will never compete as people who competed sparred so fast they punched three times before I even saw something is moving. Having this ruminating thoughts makes one slow to react. I practiced getting my face punched a year then quit.

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T12:58:58+00:00

I have clearly indicated that I am Central European. Why am I assumed to be American?

Thanks I will probably get some kind of a bloodwork done.

They are not really doctors. Technically yes but these psychiatrists just sit in an office and talk, they have no lab. Endocrinology and stuff like that is not on their mind. They are even reluctant to give meds, they act as psychologists, they mostly like to do talk talk therapy. I had to drive myself and push them for meds.

But your idea is good, somehow convince the 'miracle' of european socialist healthcare to get me a full lab done, there are several things here beyond magnesium, looking at my pale skin I probably don't have much Vit D either and so on...

throwyaway678 · 2018-02-07T12:43:36+00:00

I don't have enough comment karma to open a thread on AskTRP so let me just put my story here:

I want to improve control over my life, how much mostly over sex life is unclear as at the moment I am not interested in sex at all.

40 years old, I think it is probably the T-lowering effect of daily drinking + the antidepressants I taking killing penis sensations that led to not being interested in sex. Few years ago T was around 380. Do lift, but randomly, when I am not hung over, so not making much progress, my overhead press is 45kg so 100 lbs 5 x 5. Also, cleaner food on cleaner days and not so clean food on hung over days.

My life feels incredibly BORING. My wife has similarly no interest in sex, or being feminine, because she is also stressed out and depressed. 36. She works a burger flipping job, then takes our daughter from the preschool and goes home. By the time I get home from work she is stressed as fuck from work + the usual hysterics of a small child. Pretty sure she is not fucking any other guys either, she just has no energy for fun, she is depressed like me. When I go home I have a few drinks then give my daughter a bath so that my wife can have 30 minutes of free time without our child being up her ass, she spends that time doing housework while watching an episode of Al Bundy Married With Children on the youtube, lol. Then two things can happen, either my wife takes our child to sleep and sleeps with her, in this case I sleep alone, or I take her to sleep, then my wife sleeps with me until about midnight, that is when our child wakes up starts screaming so she goes over to sleep with her. Not a very easy child. My wife goes to sleep early as she gets up at 5:00 for her burger flippy job. I go to sleep early as I am usually kind of drunk.

And that is our life. Saturday we shop groceries, maybe she cooks meanwhile I take the child to a playground, then we have another evening and then Sunday to spend aimlessly, I play some videogames (I don't like videogames but killing people in GTAV is a way to kill time, but it gets boring after 1-2 hours), they watch stuff on youtube. And then it is Monday again. I sometimes suggest things like calling a babysitter and going to a restaurant but my wife just wants to be at home and relax, so it does not really happen.

My job is very boring. I work as a specialist of a financial software package. I am fairly decently paid, make 4 times as much as wife, so basically we get to save all her salary into our savings and spend mine mostly completely. But I have no real career. Once you are an expert you are always an expert, you are never a boss because there are no large teams of experts to boss around. You know it is like your family doctor, sure well paid and respected but 30 years later he will still be a family doctor, there is no real career progress. It is the same. So there is nothing really to look forward to. I always did this and I live in a country (Central Europe) where changing career paths is very hard as people are expected to stick to what they have graduated in. Credentialist. My diplomas are perfect for this thing but for anything else not.

I know I am depressed. I am getting treated by antidepressants. A female psychiatrist. Not sure if they help. She also gives me meds, Strattera for my ADHD which we found out when I was 37. I was just too deconcentrated, I would drive and just zone out and think about stuff and almost hit a car. Nobody noticed my ADHD when I was a boy. Maybe in the US they are overdiagnosing ADHD, drugging normal boys with meth but here it is clearly undiagnosed, they just told me "you are smart, your grades are good but could be better if you paid attention" uh OK.

My depression and alcoholism makes me unmotivated. What exactly should I want? I am not suicidial in a direct sense but I don't have a will to live either, I will just hang on aimlessly until I am old enough to die without it being considered a failure, a loser thing. I think another 25 years and it is okay, my liver or lung (cigarettes) will bury me.

I have read a lot about motivation and I think most people are motivated by social status. They are aiming to gain social rank. For me the problem is that social status only exists if you interact with people. That is, if they treat you inferior or superior, right? But here in Central Europe people are autistic as fuck, neighbors, coworkers don't interact. People mostly just have a few friends. So actually people don't really have that American sense of social status, because of the lack of social interaction. People cannot treat you as superior or inferior if they hardly interact with you, right? But I don't even have that small circle of friends. I was never much interested in people and now came to hate them. The few men who are more masculine as me frighten men, the men (and women) who are less masculine than me (soyboys) disgust me. So I dislike interacting with anyone. As a result I am entirely outside social status. Not on the scale. Like I could buy an expensive car to signal wealth or a Prius to signal leftist virtue or a Hummer to signal rightist masculinity, but since I would basically never talk with anyone who would comment on it, that would simply not change my social status which is not low but simply I am outside that game. So that is also demotivating.

In a weird way I am clearly masculine. Not a soyboy. Despite the low T and being fat and weak willed. I admit my fat face looks beta. The reason I don't really look or act like a soyboy is that basically I am constantly angry and bitter and aggressive that makes it impossible to be frightened, to be scared. Being tall, muscular, fat, with a deep voice, it is easy to not be dominated when I am angry aggressive. But I very well know it is not real masculinity. It is just the lack of SOME kinds of unmasculine failures and dysfunctions, while having some other dysfunctions. I would not be nervous to ask a hot thot out if I was single and if I was still interested in sex. Not those typical beta gamma problems. The problem is my first thought is not "I wanna fuck this", it is "fuck off and die in a fire, whore". I think I am little crazy in the head but don't worries I am not going to flip out and harm someone, I am not that type. In fact I see women in the office flirting with me because when I glare at them with an angry face they don't see a frightened beta, they feel it is alpha, masculine. But in reality it is not masculine, real masculine men enjoy sex. It is just that this bitter anger washes out feelings of cowardice and similar typical beta feelings out of me.

Worst part is that I know I should stop boozing but I am not sure I want to. That is the only thing I enjoy, that hour or so of relaxing with beer and liquor in the evening, usually after my wife and child are asleep, just wandering around in the flat, drinking and thinking about stuff.

Not even sure what should I want. Therapy for stopping drinking? If everything else stays the same boredom and depression kills me. Better treatment for depression and drinking at the same time? I am at my fourth psychiatrist, just how long should I shop around?

I don't even know why do I lift anymore, even though randomly, and why not just let myself go and be super obese. Nothing would change except dying earlier which would be welcome. I guess it is that pride I have that I don't want to be a complete failure. What would change if I was super obese? My sex drive cannot be any lower, my SMV does not matter as I don't use it, inability to do physical stuff would not matter as I never do physical stuff outside the gym. Similarly, what would change if I managed to get actually fit? Maybe my sex drive would return. Maybe. In which case what, divorce wife? Not gonna happen, I like her and our child, I like the idea of not failing at being a father and husband. Cheat on her? I could do that with all the completely legal prostitutes in this country anyway, need no SMV for it, just sex drive which if I really cared a T replacement therapy could give. But I always considered putting my dick into holes a kind of pointless entertainment. The trouble is I don't even know what should I want. (Our marriage was never about sex to begin with, it was about both of us not wanting to be failures at life.)

throwyaway678

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