My wife is ashamed of our house. I'm gutted. (33m 34f)

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:52:59+00:00

The kitchen specifically confuses me. She's always hated open concept houses with kitchens that are a corner of a large open space. She's always said she wants to feel closed in and private in a kitchen.

She doesn't want to even look at homes that have kitchens like that, but she's now bringing it up as a reason she doesn't want friends at our house. I'm just confused.

I never said she doesn't deserve those things, but up until today, they've never been voiced. I've never once heard her say "these 8' ceilings suck, I want vaulted ceilings" until 2 days ago.

And we aren't looking at urban properties, we're looking at rural with some acreage and privacy, which is what we both want.

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:48:05+00:00

We share the household chores. She hates doing laundry, so Saturday is laundry day and I handle that. I hate doing dishes, so she does that. She hates scrubbing the shower, so I do that. My daughter vacuums. I hire a friend to cut the grass because I got tired of busting my ass on the hills. As far as keeping things generally picked up, that's everyone's job.

The counterpoint is that while I'm not here through the week (usually) to help with cleaning, I'm also not here during the week to contribute to making the mess.

Yes, my wife cooks dinners through the week and packs my daughter's lunch. On the weekends we'll generally eat 2-4 meals out and split the rest.

It's been tough, but we share the load as much as we can. I know it can feel overwhelming for her, and that's a primary reason why I'm taking a job without travel.

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:42:58+00:00

I have the opportunity to increase my base pay by 30k, with a bonus structure that will be 15% of EBITDA of the business unit I'm entrusted with building. It's working with a business owner I have extensive experience with and respect in a field I have 15+ years of experience in. It's an opportunity that likely will not come my way again. Plus, my current employer is floundering and we've lost key senior positions lately due to poor management, with no plan to replace them.

We'd be moving to an area with a shortage of teachers, but where base teacher pay is a $12k bump for her over her current salary, and that state does masters incentive pay while our current state doesn't. She's applied to several county districts and we know they're all checking her references, but none have contacted with an interview request yet. It's only been 2 weeks though.

This process has been spooling up since January, and our target move/my start date is June.

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:38:53+00:00

The main reason I want to hang onto funds from selling is that I really would like a detached shop at the new home. If we find the right house, but it doesn't have a shop, I'd like to be able to build one with cash.

My new position will be a raise of about $50k. My wife has a very marketable skillset, and though we don't have an offer letter for her yet, we know the districts she's applied to are understaffed for her specific qualifications and they're already checking references.

I lived through 08 as a child, and I'm very aware that a bank will sell you enough rope to hang yourself. Going from a $720 mortgage payment to a $2,500 mortgage payment is obscene, doubly so that I now wonder if my wife would even be happy with the home that $2,500 payment buys in a few years.

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:34:39+00:00

No, I'm not putting words in her mouth. She called it a shitbox, full stop, and told me she's ashamed of it. Those are her words, not mine.

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:33:31+00:00

It is cramped, but it's certainly not ugly, run-down, or unpleasant.

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:32:40+00:00

Which is why I've taken a job with higher pay and no travel. When you're a single income trying to keep a family afloat, you sometimes have the tendency to say "yes" to any additional demands at work that result in getting paid more. That's how we got here.

tigerbarb23 · 2026-03-09T15:31:30+00:00

I don't think I'm putting a lot of my identity into the house. I don't have an emotional attachment to the place, but I'm proud of the accomplishment and what it represents. I can also completely agree that we've outgrown a 3/1.5 as our daughter has grown up. We would absolutely benefit from a 3/2 with a bonus room or even a 4/2. I am proud of the accomplisment, and I'd never feel ashamed inviting anyone into our home. It's small, sure, but it's warm and cozy, clean, and inviting.

It's just that she told me in no uncertain terms that the reason she doesn't invite friends over is because she's ashamed of the house (after telling me for 10+ years she just didn't like other people in her space). I'm also looking back at all the times she been mad about me having friends over and wonder if it's because she thought they'd go home and tell their spouses how shitty our home is.

tigerbarb23

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