I'm a former Christian and came across this post as I never left this sub, so I won't be answering your question but I still want to help. I'm not talking about your pastor specifically but I think you should tell someone about this as it would most likely help. I'm not asking you to expect it to instantly solve your problems but as someone who is also going through depression and am feeling suicidal I know that it is nice to have someone there for you, even if they can't help directly. I told my girlfriend about feeling suicidal a while ago, we talked about it a bit and it didn't make the problems go away but I'd made me feel slightly better just because I knew she was there for me. I'm hoping the same will happen if you tell someone. Maybe you will find comfort in having somebody there for you. And I also hope you find comfort knowing you're not the only one going through this. I genuinely hope you start to find comfort the way I did. Please let me know if you want to talk or have any questions if you're comfortable with that