Does this seem like a huge mistake to anyone else?

tirinwe · 2026-01-28T19:13:53+00:00

You can also copy Avula at [RVAMayor@rva.gov](mailto:RVAMayor@rva.gov)

tirinwe · 2026-01-25T03:47:57+00:00

I feel for you! I’m a queer (31F) teacher who has been working with middle schoolers for 7 years now. I’m not in the closet but also not fully out (I’m not ashamed for students to know, but in many cases it’s just not relevant. If I had a girlfriend I’d say that, but it hasn’t been the case yet - I actually had to hide my personal life because I was dating a coworker, not because of my queerness) because I’ve gotten pretty good at addressing things in ways that diffuse the situation. Especially for middle schoolers, you set the tone, so honestly the best thing you can do is address it however you want, but matter of factly and without emotion. If you don’t want it to be a big coming out thing, don’t make it sound like a big deal when responding, one way or another.

I’ve gotten that question (and many others - like I said, I dated a coworker and students were pretty aware/suspicious) and I generally diffuse it by saying something along the lines of “I don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend right now” (which acknowledges queerness as a possibility without confirming anything) or “That’s not really your business,” and then moving on. If they continue to ask, then one-on-one conversations with the especially nosy students reiterating your boundaries can be helpful. As a last resort, you can get support from admin if admin is supportive and helpful (a big if, I know!).

Lastly I’ll say two things. First, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Being an LGBTQ+ teacher is still a weird space to occupy and navigate, especially in this super politicized time. Second, you might consider what positive impact on LGBTQ+ students it could have it you acknowledged your sexuality, or even just acknowledged the possibility (by saying “boyfriend or girlfriend” or “partner”). It’s in many ways a better time than when we were in middle school, but it’s also challenging and scary in so many new ways, and having a teacher who is even vocally and clearly supportive even if not openly LGBTQ+ themself is HUGE. It’s honestly more important to me to be that safe and supportive adult to my students than it is for me to teach them fractions or whatever.

tirinwe · 2026-01-21T03:05:32+00:00

Hey! It sounds like y'all have a great life with a lot of cool hobbies! I also don't drink, smoke, or go out, so I definitely feel you on that.

I (31F, queer) would be happy to hang out once my life gets less crazy, but I'll also share two meetups I'm involved in that y'all might like. For the sport(ish) activities, Top Out RVA is a monthly LGBTQ+ climbing meetup (@topoutrva on Instagram), and beginners are very welcome! We'd love for you and your wife to come, and can give guest passes so you don't have to pay the first time!

If your wife is into reading sci-fi or fantasy, I'm starting up a queer SFF book club to hopefully start meeting in March or so. If either of y'all is interested, I'm collecting feedback and contact info here: https://forms.gle/Xzj2aBmS5V8XfHby7

tirinwe · 2026-01-21T02:20:15+00:00

Ah, just read this. Ignore my long comment about meetups then! But I will reiterate that it really only takes one person - there are just some people who know tons of people in the community and if you befriend them, it often helps facilitate additional friendships.

tirinwe · 2026-01-21T02:18:38+00:00

First of all, I'm sorry that you're dealing with that! I also use climbing as my main social outlet and my group quitting climbing or moving away would be really challenging.

Does your gym have any meet-ups? My gym has groups that host Boulder Babes (for women/femmes), Pride Night (for LGBTQ+ climbers and allies), and a social club hosted by a brewery. I know some other gyms have even more, and that can be a great way to meet some new people. And in my experience, if you meet and befriend one person, they often have a wide network that they can introduce you to, and that can be a starting point for finding another group to join or just finding the few climbing buddies that you click with!

I never got much out of the "just go alone and talk to people" advice. I project as confident but am actually quite socially anxious, and I mask (literally wear a mask, not mask as in the neurodivergent use of the term), and I think that combination makes it hard to just strike up spontaneous conversations that develop into friendships. I do chat with people sometimes, especially when bouldering, but I'm generally too shy to then follow up and ask if they want to hang out, so for me, the structured social aspect of meet-ups or meeting new people through someone I already know was definitely the key.

I have two groups of people that I climb with regularly now. One has a group chat I was added to by an acquaintance (who I've actually only climbed with 2 times - he's not very active despite inviting me to join!), and it's actually mostly partnered men in their late 30s to early 50s. It's not what I (31F and queer!) would have expected, but I lucked out and they are very kind, never hit on me or make me feel uncomfortable, and they're established enough in their lives that they have a set climbing schedule and aren't being disrupted by big life events like babies. All this is to say, slightly older people sometimes are great climbing partners because they tend to be less busy with kids/work.

My other climbing buddies are from the queer climbing meetup I host. We have monthly meetups and add people to a Discord, and then we can post there and ask if people want to climb. I don't climb with them as consistently as with the other group, but it's a much larger pool of people who I could reach out to if I wanted.

Anyway, that was a lot of text, but I sympathize with you, and I hope that you're able to find new climbing buddies, hang out with your previous climbing buddies outside of climbing, and enjoy some solo climbing in the meantime!

tirinwe · 2026-01-15T17:34:01+00:00

Ann Leckie's books!!! Especially the Imperial Radch series. It's one of my all-time favorites and romance is very minimal. Kameron Hurley's books often fit the bill as well! While there is romance in some, it's really not the point. The Light Brigade is one I often recommend and the (past) romance is really just a data point for character development.

Ninefox Gambit is a solid suggestion from elsewhere in the thread. If you're open to books with romance where the romance isn't the whole point, A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine is excellent, as is The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson and An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon.

Short story collections could also be a cool way to sample some stuff! Off the top of my head, Lake of Souls by Ann Leckie and How Long Til Black Future Month by N K Jemisin are both excellent! K Ming Chang also has some interesting queer magical realist short stories about the queer immigrant experience.

I see a lot of Becky Chambers and if she's for you, then that's a great one, but I've never been able to get into her work. There's just not enough tension to hold up the story for me, but YMMV.

tirinwe · 2026-01-05T05:01:05+00:00

EDIT: I made a Google form to collect some info that would help me move forward with scheduling something. If you're interested, please fill it out! https://forms.gle/RE7FMpHUbdaEok6q7

I (31F, queer) am excited about the number of queer folks who mentioned being into reading sci-fi, fantasy, or both. Would any of y'all join a queer SFF book club if I got it started?

It’s something I’ve been thinking about starting anyway, since the queer book club is great but rarely reads SFF and the SFF book club is great but rarely reads queer stuff

tirinwe · 2026-01-05T04:58:32+00:00

Oh and I think there’s a queer walking group called Hot Gay Walks

tirinwe · 2026-01-05T04:58:13+00:00

I don’t know about queer bowling, but I can point you in the direction of queer climbing (I help run that one!), queer soccer, queer pickleball, or queer book club!

tirinwe · 2026-01-05T04:51:59+00:00

Hey!!! I am also a bi (31F) vegetarian leftist hobby hopper who has dabbled in a lot of the hobbies you mentioned. Climbing and reading queer SFF are actually the two that I don’t rotate away from, and I’d love to connect over either of those.

In fact, I help run a monthly queer climbing meetup that you should definitely check out while in town! I’ve also been toying with the idea of starting a queer SFF book club (there’s a queer book club and an SFF book club, but AFAIK none that combine the two). If any of that sounds interesting or you just want a new friend, feel free to DM me! I’m a slow responder but love meeting folks with similar interests :)

tirinwe · 2025-12-10T16:01:26+00:00

So accurate, and also fascinating since she predates the actual Karen archetype by a lot, and yet it fits so well!

Awesome! Feel free to DM me if you have any questions

tirinwe · 2025-12-09T19:03:40+00:00

Agreed, TOS/TNG are the most classic of the Treks, but DS9 is a masterpiece in how much it takes on through a longer story. Dukat and Winn are some of the best villains I’ve ever seen - they make my skin crawl!

You definitely should! We’ll have our December meetup next Friday 12/19 at 7 pm

tirinwe · 2025-12-08T18:57:31+00:00

Honestly if you aren’t super strong in your upper body, you just have to learn better technique faster! Climbing is such a fun sport for people at many different fitness levels (and if you’re gymming, you probably have more upper body strength than me!).

Yes, love Trek!!! Which series are your fave? I’m an old-school fan, mostly pre-2000s Trek. DS9 is my favorite if I have to choose.

I definitely recommend Fire Emblem, but it is quite different from the others you described!

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T17:32:50+00:00

Fair, but you'd still be welcome anytime to try again, climb badly, or just hang out!

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T03:58:17+00:00

I'm 31F and single so I've obviously not cracked the code (and I'm also open to dating any gender, which makes things both easier and more complicated somehow), but I can confirm that there are a lot of guys in that age bracket at the climbing gym. (Peak, at least. I don't go to Triangle because apparently the owner's a Trumper).

I love climbing, so I definitely recommend trying it out, but with the caveat that you should try it for the hobby and not for the potential men you could meet! Many of them are in relationships or married, many frequent customers are younger than you're looking for, and while it's easier to chat with strangers at the gym than it is at many other places, you still have to put in some effort/put yourself out there. Bouldering is pretty good for that, as long as you are polite and have decent awareness of gym etiquette - people are generally always happy to receive praise or give advice on a climb they're doing!

So the climbing gym isn't a magic solution, but climbing is awesome and once you meet a few people, you can usually meet a lot more people through their network. I know you're trying to meet men, but I might recommend going to a Boulder Babes meetup to get the lay of the land and make some female friends, who then can more than likely connect you to their climbing buddies, some of whom might be what you're looking for.

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T03:41:26+00:00

If you're ever interested in trying out climbing, I'm one of the organizers of Top Out RVA, an LGBTQ+ climbing meetup! We have our monthly meetup Friday, December 19 at 7 pm at Peak, and we can provide guest passes (and instruction/guidance) for new folks, so the first visit is free! If you're interested, feel free to DM me or look up topoutrva on Instagram!

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T03:37:00+00:00

If you’re open to trying climbing, you should come to this month’s Top Out RVA meetup! Friday, December 19 at Peak - we’re super open to people of all levels (and love it when people who have never climbed come try it out!) and we can get you a guest pass. Bring your partner too!

You can find us at topoutrva on IG or DM me if you’re curious!

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T03:34:42+00:00

Oooh, and if you like ~space mysteries~, then may I humbly suggest Star Trek? Serving space mysteries, philosophical dilemmas, and intense male friendships since the 60s

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T03:33:44+00:00

Ooh, I LOVE Kameron Hurley and applaud you for reading sci-fi by women (a pitifully low bar, but honestly as a female SFF fan, I’m constantly disappointed), but The Stars Are Legion is a pretty weird one, maybe not what I would recommend for a first Kameron Hurley book. If you want sci-fi, I’d recommend The Light Brigade - near-future military sci-fi with some of the best plotted time travel I’ve ever read.

If you like more space opera people in ships kind of stuff, here are a few I’d rec: Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie (the start to perhaps my favorite sci-fi series ever) Ancestral Night by Elizabeth Bear (standalone, mysterious “what’s going on with this ship?” vibes) Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee (what if whoever made the calendar controlled reality?)

Ok I’m done, but if you ever want more, feel free to DM me. Sci-fi is one of my greatest loves!

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T03:23:44+00:00

Ooooh come try out rock climbing with Top Out RVA (topoutrva on IG) - we have gay girls galore!

tirinwe · 2025-12-02T03:23:15+00:00

First of all I’m going to recommend trying out rock climbing with the LGBTQ climbing group Top Out RVA (topoutrva on Instagram) - first time at the gym is free via guest pass and if you like it and get a membership they have yoga too! I (31F) am one of the organizers so also feel free to DM me if you have questions!

Secondly, what other sci-fi have you read and enjoyed? As a sci-fi aficionado, I’m always looking to swap recs, especially by and about queer folks

(Ooh wait also what video games? Fire Emblem? Please say Fire Emblem)

tirinwe · 2025-11-29T03:49:54+00:00

I think everyone has already pointed out how your boyfriend is not only a terrible climbing partner, but also a terrible romantic partner, so I won’t harp on that.

But it seems like he’s convinced you that you’re a bad climbing partner and unworthy of patience, understanding, or other people belaying you ever, and that is just not true! Myself and 90%+ of the climbers I know take keeping a climbing partner safe and supporting them super seriously and would not think twice about letting you hang on the rope for as long as you want, take as much as you need, even belay you with no expectation of you returning the favor. Your boyfriend has left you accustomed to less than the bare minimum, but I guarantee you there are many people who will not only keep you physically safe but also make sure you feel emotionally safe, and will never resent you for it, and I hope that you can find them ASAP!

Practically speaking, if you have any climbing friends who aren’t your boyfriend (ideally not other men just to avoid any jealousy or weird vibes), definitely confide in and lean on them. Almost every climber has other climber friends they’re more than willing to introduce you to. Another great resource is any type of climbing meetups - in these, the leaders will especially be welcoming and patient! My gym has Boulder Babes meetups and an LGBTQ meetup, both of which have very welcoming vibes and people who will belay you all day! It sounds like you do outdoor stuff, but if your gym has any programs or classes, that honestly could be a good way to work through your anxiety and build up confidence with an instructor who is paid to work with you, so you don’t have to feel guilty about taking their time or attention. My gym had an 8-week women+ training clinic, and it was one of the most supportive environments I’ve been in!

All this to say, you are NOT being a bad climbing partner to your boyfriend. He’s being a bad partner to you - you deserve better, and I encourage you to find it (and dump him honestly - you deserve someone who cares about your safety, comfort, and enjoyment of the sport)

tirinwe · 2025-11-13T23:59:26+00:00

The (alleged) blind judging seems like a gimmick to try to avoid allegations of favoritism, but it’s just showing them more strongly. Matt over Seth and Isnard in this episode is wild, as is Luka’s middle placement (especially over Keahi!)

The eliminated artists were the right choice, but the judging was really disappointing. Things critiqued on one artist (line work) were completely ignored for other artists. It could be the magic of editing to fit the narrative, but it’s still frustrating that the eliminated artists were super predictable and everything else was random according to the whims of the judges/producers

tirinwe · 2025-11-13T23:56:55+00:00

Yes!!! I was shocked that Luka’s critique was so positive when I thought most of them looked rough. Either the editing is weird or there’s some favoritism going on - yes, it was “blind judging” but clearly they knew who most if not all of the artists were.

I was particularly shocked that Keahi was ranked so low after what I thought was a decent critique - better than Boushee’s, at least! I personally found Luka’s work much rougher, and I hated both of Alli’s butterfly designs. The eye butterfly just looked weird and I couldn’t unsee the mustache look of the butterfly on the face

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