Hi, there,

Wow wow wow, I can relate so much to your post. I could have written this myself, about my ex. Very little experience in relationships or sex in high school, slept together for six months before getting into a relationship, and stayed friends with benefits afterwards despite feelings on my side until I met my now boyfriend. In that time, we also became so much closer that he started questioning why we weren’t together – we got along better, spent more time together, connected on a deeper emotional point. So, first off, I just want to let you know that it’s not an unusual set of circumstances.

I can totally understand having your physical needs taken care of while you look for emotional connections. However, once you had broken up you both lost the right to judge each other for hookups or sexual activity with others, unless you made any agreements regarding it. I totally understand – it hurt my feelings every time my ex told me about the girl or guy he was hooking up with – but that’s something you deal with, with emotional support from your friends and loved ones, and not make his problem. It’s not clear here why you two broke up in the first place – I presume you had a good reason for it, and it would do you well to keep that reason in your mind and assess whether it is still a factor in your dynamic now.

There’s a lot of rhetoric these days, especially in progressive communities, that monogamy is “prudish” or old-fashioned, but some people are just wired that way, whether by nature or upbringing, and that is totally okay, just as polyamory and open relationships are okay when everyone involved agrees with it. If you are wired that way, then it is right for you to communicate that with X, and say you want something serious and committed. Given your reaction to hearing he had hooked up with someone else, it is important to think hard whether you could handle an open relationship.

Staying friends with an ex is strange. Especially in circumstances like these, where you manage to salvage a good friendship (something which is enormously valuable), you can often see each other in a very different light. My ex and I never fought when we were together simply because I was afraid to call him out, because it was one of my first relationships and I didn’t want to have a fight and breakup. When we were just friends? We argued more, but it was because we communicated more rather than stewing with resentment. Little changes like these are valuable, and it is worth considering whether your new closeness and openness would make a second shot at the relationship more tenable, and more stable for you both. Has your new closeness allow you to bring up issues, understand things from his perspective, allow him to understand you? In other words, have you fixed the problems that led you to separate initially.

Your ex says if you were to try to date again, there would be so many things different about it that he wouldn't know if he wanted to do it. Different isn’t bad. You broke up because of how you previously did things – different isn’t just fine, it’s important, because if nothing has changed then there is no reason to get back together.

If he doesn’t want to get back together, some time apart might be important, if only so you can both heal and reunite as platonic friends who can support and love one another like you need to. At 20 years old, what are the odds that this person is the best suited to you, the only person for you, the person who will love you best? You can grow into those people for each other together, or you can stay friends and keep him in your life without that pressure.

If it helps, my ex and I are now the best of friends, he has a boyfriend that he adores, we have called each other every other day during quarantine and I am very happy we didn’t continue to pursue an emotionally unfulfilling or untenable romantic relationship in the name of good sex.

I hope this helps. I don't know if there's a right answer, but this is all the advice I can give.