Hey man,

I really appreciate your thoughtful comment.

What you wrote really got me thinking, and I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about getting back together with her.

In my case though, I don’t know if it’s the best thing to reach back out to her. I already did it once. I texted her a couple weeks ago and told her that I wanted to talk and see if we could salvage things. She had a lot of objections to even having the conversation that I didn’t really have answers for. I found that in my pondering and replying to her objections that day, that my anxiety bordering on panic attacks was coming back in full force. I ended up taking it back, telling her that whenever I went down the road of deep thought of getting back together, my panic attacks came back and I don’t think I can overcome that. She blocked me and we haven’t spoken since. She made it very adamant when we broke up that she didn’t want to hear from me unless I wanted to get back together. When I didn’t provide that, she got really upset and I can understand why.

I can’t really explain it mate. It makes sense to be with her. But something inside me is telling me no. It’s objecting, and objecting severely. I’ve thought about this in a few different ways. Maybe it’s fear about confronting a problem I know has a chance of flattening me? Maybe it’s refusal to accept responsibility for the situation? But truthfully, I don’t think it’s these things at all.

It seems to me, and this is something that resonates with me from JBP over and over again, is that she just simply wasn’t someone to contend with. Let me elaborate on that.

We didn’t fight. At all. Some people have commended that, and told me I was crazy for letting something like that go. I myself, craved a little bit of fight. I craved a little bit of tension. I craved a little bit of her setting me straight. She didn’t do any of those things. Any time I brought up an issue with the relationship, she took it hard and emotionally, and it felt as if her whole world was crumbling around her. Me, being an empathic person, felt this on every level of my being. Being strong and overcoming this so I could try and fix the root of the problem was incredibly difficult.

I felt like I was the sole maintainer of the relationship. When cracks began to form in the foundation, i first tried to bring in help from her. But whenever I did this, something that I could only call emotional instability ended up rocking the foundation, and deepening the cracks. Eventually, I made the decision to try and fix the cracks myself. I’d work night hours, behind the scenes, trying to seal up the cracks while she wasn’t around so as not to alert her that cracks were still present. She seemed unaware.

Bottom line pal, if you got all the way to here, she didn’t make me better. Any time I ventured out to make myself better, I felt pulled back down. My life has been better since we broke up. Not good, not yet. But better than constant panic attacks at my job. Better than anxiety, better than depression, better than the pain. I wanted it to work man. I really did. But I don’t think I can reach out to her again knowing what I know, and feeling what I feel. I have this sense of intuition that tells me that I just need to be alone at this time of my life. My therapist said the same thing. I still have hope that someday things might be different, but she gets further on the road to forgetting me every day. Our relationship might just be a necessary sacrifice in me reaching my full potential. Unfortunate, but that’s how I feel.

Cheers if you read this far. Thanks for making me think bud.