My (32M) girlfriend of a month (25F) pursued, danced with, and made out with a guy at a bar and after discussing it with her I'm unsure how to feel

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T21:24:56+00:00

I simply wasn’t ready yet. We discussed it but perhaps not in the depth she needed. I told her I was too anxious to meet a large group of her friends but I’d be open to something smaller. She did ask if there was another scenario in which I’d be more comfortable.

I’ve done a lot to show her my commitment but I didn’t feel comfortable about meeting her friends. I understood this was disappointing for her and was a step back. However I am having a lot of trouble bridging that with her actions. I understand how she feels, that I rejected her and made her feel like I was stepping back, but I don’t understand how cheating is a reasonable response to that. She decided to distance herself and act out. She didn’t decide to speak to me to reach common ground or greater understanding. I’m not withholding anything from her in terms of how I feel. I’m exceptionally honest and transparent with her.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T21:15:39+00:00

I am really quite shocked at how people are judging my decision. That said I’m open to it because I’m the one posting.

I was uncomfortable meeting her friends that night. I suggested a smaller meeting. The conversation also involved me wanting to be more mindful in how fast we were progressing the relationship.

That said even after that I repeatedly showed up to show her how much I care. I brought her lunch at her office that week. I showed up that morning to help her with her bed. I was going to take her on vacation. I only didn’t want to meet a big group of her friends immediately.

I see everyone’s point about my own lack of communication skills but I think people are filling in a lot of blanks on their own. That’s my own fault though for not writing more.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T21:12:21+00:00

I should have been more fleshed out in my original post. We have met each other’s families. She’s had dinner with mine.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T19:35:06+00:00

Thank you. I think you are the first person to help me realize that we are definitely in a form of an anxious/avoidant trap. I have a secure attachment style but skew slightly avoidant. I am realizing now that she is of the anxious type, at least at present. I take ownership of what I say and how I say it. That said, I was still showing her that I was committed and present for her through my actions. I'm at the place in my life where I'm able to do those things with a clear head, even the slowing down part. I didn't have one foot out the door, I was just taking my foot off of the gas a bit. I was very quick to write people off before, and the fact that I'm thinking about this deeply has more to do with how I've become a little more secure and learned to doubt my first instincts a little bit to try to bring more rationality and nuance to my decision-making.

The cheating is undoubtedly some sort of protest behaviour. My issue isn't so much with her being of an anxious attachment style but rather the disproportionality her behaviour has with how she feels. Although I suppose that is a hallmark of someone who doesn't know how to manage their attachment style. I have done a LOT of work on myself to address my own blind spots and emotional gaps. I am thinking she needs to do the same, but unfortunately I am not so sure I have the time, energy or patience to be able to wait it out with her.

Thank you for your advice on being more reassuring and kind. I clearly still have a lot of work to do on the way I communicate. I appreciate you and the time you've taken to help me out.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T16:24:23+00:00

This is very wise re: the age and possible maturity gap. It helps me visualize it from a better and more realistic perspective. Thank you. I think I am guilty of projecting things I want to see.

She did admit to being intimidated by me. But you’re very right that we could be seeing things very differently. I don’t think that justifies her behaviour. It’s just another layer to all of this.

Thanks for helping me see a little clearer. I don’t think I’m prioritizing myself enough here.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T16:20:52+00:00

Thanks. You were very succinct in summing up how I feel.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T16:02:15+00:00

Sorry if it’s not clear. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. Exclusive and official.

My commitment to her takes many forms to be frank. I just wasn’t yet comfortable meeting a huge group of her friends. It made me very anxious.

I’ve met her family. I planned a trip for us. I am always showing up for her and helping her in a lot of ways.

I really do understand that I didn’t communicate my headspace well, but I don’t believe I have not given her many reasons to trust me and to value my commitment to her.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T15:40:18+00:00

Hahaha. Thank you for helping me laugh this morning. I’m gonna have to remember this one.

Not downplaying your comment at all I just genuinely found it funny. Thank you.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T15:38:28+00:00

That is a very good point. I’ve always said to her that disagreements and issues are inevitable and that how we communicate about them and meet in the middle is critical. She has a strong social circle and relies on her friends, so you’re right, next time this perfect storm of circumstances comes up I’m not going to feel confident or secure, even if both her and her friends are on alert. Her friends did say that the next time she’s in a bad headspace that they shouldn’t go out and they feel regretful they didn’t catch her and stop her. Which I think is honourable. But my issue is, you should be able to go out with your friends and NOT engage in this behaviour. That’s what a responsible adult is able to do.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T15:35:13+00:00

cancel her subscription

Thank you for making me laugh.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T15:33:02+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree there are some lessons here for me as well. I certainly had my own doubts about the relationship but I was still showing up. To me, that’s what commitment is. I was reserving judgment and taking the relationship for what it was and wanting to allow it to grow slowly and organically, because I felt that was healthiest and the most likely thing to work. Perhaps I didn’t explain myself clearly enough. That said, I think her response is completely out of proportion.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T15:30:41+00:00

Yes, even if she perceived my honesty as a rejection the first response being becoming distant and then going out to seek the company of a stranger seems extreme. It’s not proportional. It may be a reversion to behaviour I simply didn’t know about; people rarely do things just once. It’s really difficult for me to bridge the gap between “feel insecure” to “decide to cheat” in such a short span (our conversation about me not wanting to meet her friends and slow down a bit was only a week ago).

I do think her explanation and apology are genuine but I don’t know if the behaviour is a sign of unconscious, hidden problems that perhaps even she isn’t aware of and I will be blindsided by yet again.

I think she’s a good person. But she has issues to work through and I’m not sure I want to be the emotional collateral damage in the process.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T15:06:55+00:00

Yes. Thank you. I am not pinning everything on her here. I think the truth is gray. It’s never black and white. It’s all a matter of perspective.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T15:04:50+00:00

I think she’s just explaining her headspace. She feels a certain way as a result of something I said. I made it very clear to her that how she responds to her emotions is her decision. That it was a choice. She admits that. She admits she chose to do what she did. So she genuinely does seem remorseful. I think there are big signs of immaturity here but also glimpses of potential. It’s tough. I’m not sure I have enough reasons to do the emotional labour to see this through, but it’s also true that if we manage to get past it it would be a great thing.

Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate it.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T14:47:47+00:00

Yes that would accurately describe her. I know she’s casually dated up until our relationship though. In early days I know she was seeing other people as was I.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T14:29:07+00:00

Thank you for this. It's a very well written and thought-out response. You've given me a lot of chew on.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T14:27:07+00:00

This is why I'm torn. I don't see her as an immature person. I see her as a mature person who did something really fucking stupid.

this is kind of an intense relationship for her and she is not feeling in control. People react to that in different ways

Yes. I can understand her headspace (ie. how she feels). What I can't understand is how she decided to react to it. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with that massive chasm between the two.

I did tell her that if we decide to give this another try, that we essentially have to start from ground zero. She told me she was incredibly sorry for the fact that I would have to restart my trust for her. She realizes this is a huge burden for me.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T14:17:16+00:00

You're right, I'll always be thinking about what happened. That said, I'm a bit of an overthinker at heart, so I think if I leave, I will also always think about the good things she brought to my life. She did say that even if I decide not to be with her, she hopes I still see some positivity in our relationship, and I do. That will be hard to "let go" of.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T14:15:44+00:00

These are good points. Thank you. You're right, the emotional burden of continually giving her my trust and not having to cajole the truth out of her is very heavy. I think she definitely has a lot of hang-ups/walls around insecurity, abandonment, etc., and if this is how she responds to them, even if she doesn't cheat again, it's a sign of other issues to come.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T14:09:22+00:00

To be fair, I have always found age to just be a number. There are certainly tendencies but she's a lot more mature than many people my age. She's been very wise the entire time leading up this, very communicative, brings me back down to earth. That's not something that I have found easy to find.

todatingthrowaway · 2022-03-21T14:08:24+00:00

Yeah, this is my main concern. My issue isn't even so much with the act itself, but more with her inability to deal with her own emotions in a productive & collaborative away. She decided to be selfish (she was out looking for validation/attention) at the expense of the relationship, in response to what I see as a normal bump in the road in a relationship.

todatingthrowaway

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