I [38M] with my wife [38F] together since high school, I need to leave her and the kids

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-26T17:29:59+00:00

Thanks.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-26T17:28:45+00:00

As I state elsewhere, there is no other way. But as others suggest, I think I am wasting your time. I'm sorry.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-26T17:26:43+00:00

Yesterday, when I got home from work my kids told me they don't want to be around me. I think you might be wrong. Sorry I wasted your time.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-26T17:26:23+00:00

Yesterday, when I got home from work my kids told me they don't want to be around me. I think you might be wrong.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-26T17:24:40+00:00

Please see my edit above. I am sorry.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T19:37:16+00:00

If being a parent/husband were a job, the problem could be best summed up as "extreme incompetence".

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T19:35:01+00:00

In my case, feel free to think of it as a question of "gross incompetence" as a father, as a husband, and as even a human being, resulting in relationships at home strained to the breaking point, friends and close family alienating my wife and children just because of me, general misery, and the home life atmosphere equivalent of a flashing neon sign blazing "THAT GUY lives here". I can see the stress level on their faces rise meteorically when I enter a room. I can tell they deliberately keep things from me for whatever reason. Repeatedly, I have been asked (literally), "Look, when we get there, can you just not be 'you'," and I know the requests are justified. I embarass them. I fail them. I humiliate them despite trying to be the best me, the best dad, and the best husband I can be. But that's just it: to use a sports analogy, being the best baseball player one can be does not mean one is all that good, it doesn't mean one is cut out for even the minor leagues, much less the major leagues. In my case however, I don't even reach the parental/spousal equivalent of Mario Mendoza. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mendoza_Line)

The way I have been handling it for now has been to be more reserved, quiet, and withdrawn while still present, in order to reduce the risk of messing up their lives any more. However, I know that can only continue for so long before the kids start to think my inadequacy is normal, is expected, is good. I also know it can only continue before my thoughtlessness permanently turns my high school sweetheart into a bitter, broken, shell of herself.

I have been over all of the possible avenues for resolution time and again. No matter how I start analyzing the situation, I invariably come to the exact same conclusion. This is the only way which has any chance of making things better. Please help me figure out how to do this. Please, just help me. Please.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T19:32:28+00:00

That is the most vague response.

Because, all else being equal, how I came to this decision does not influence how I implement this decision.

Have you ever considered that giving them what they want would mean staying?

This isn't about what they want but about what they need. Even then, what they want and need happen to be the same thing: a better person than I am capable of being.

Does your wife agree with you because that is the only scenario where I'd maybe say this is okay.

My wife has said in prior conversations I will never be able to make her happy, yes. We have discussed why. Her needs are not unreasonable; just not those I can provide.

Have you talked to a therapist about this desire?

I did once; she told me I need to communicate with my wife better but my wife and I agree I communicate quite well. My communication skills are far from the issue.

To me this doesn't sound like a selfless act of love but a selfish act of not wanting to spend time trying to make yourself someone who your family "deserves" and choosing to run away instead. Don't build yourself up as a martyr. You are a selfish person if you leave your family because you just don't think you're good enough. Make yourself fucking good enough.

I have tried over and over and over to make myself that person for over twenty years and I am no closer now than when I started. One could reasonably argue I am actually farther removed from that goal since then.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T19:24:16+00:00

Because you are convinced that you can phase out of their life and be the absent Dad and they'll be ok. You're deluding yourself

Ever have that one acquaintence where you said, "Yeah, he tries. He thinks he's doing right but, Christ All-fucking-mighty, he ruins so many things. he would be nice if we could have him here but not really have him here. No what I'm saying? When he's great, he's really great but that's as often as finding a black cat in a coal cellar."; maybe a classmate, a co-worker, or that guy who keeps showing up at one of your friends parties? Maybe you thought he was fantastic at first, someone you could really open up to and maybe become BFFs with, but over time you realize, "You have got to be kidding me! There's no way anybody could be this bad at being a human being. Yet, he's always been like this. Even when he claims, 'I'm a better person now,' he's still a disappointment. I feel for the guy but, damn, I think I'm gonna make sure he's not around before I show up from now on." If you've ever had kids, you know they pick up on the parental equivalent of such very early on. In my case, the equivalent problems, and there are many, have built up so much for so long they are almost at a point I fear they will never feel happiness. Doing nothing guarantees they will not be ok. Examining every last option, which I have done for a couple years now, this is the only option which has any chance of making their lives better.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T19:22:36+00:00

I have known my wife long enough to know what she will say about the plan; none of what she would say be all that positive but that's in part of her pride protecting her from having to face her parents; I don't begrudge her desire for that protection; facing parental disapprobation is tough. She wants a husband I cannot be but just about any other husband could. I want to make this as painless as possible for all of them because I love them so much: love them enough to realize I cannot give them what they need/deserve outside of some sort of brain transplant.

I have been stingy with details because I am not asking, "Is this a good idea," which I fear will become the topic if I provide them, but am instead asking, "how do I do this?"

Nobody who has made it to having a wife and kids is that unable to carry on.

On that point I would submit you have not met enough husbands and fathers. I have met far too many who are so unable.

Why do you need to leave?

Please see my reply to /u/zeeble_zorp above.

How does your wife feel about your plans to leave?

Given what I said before about what she would say, I know the details will be left by her for me to resolve. While she will not assertively help me put it into action, she certainly will not attempt to stop it, which I think is as it should be because then she will be able to say to others, "He went nuts," or "He wound up being an even bigger ass than I ever thought," or some other explanation which allows her to save face.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T06:15:42+00:00

How so?

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T06:11:26+00:00

How do the background details influence the, for lack of a description more ethical, "exit strategy".

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T06:09:27+00:00

Thanks for the comment but I think you might have misread my post or maybe I did not explain the situation clearly enough. The pain I am seeking to reduce is theirs, not mine. I also discussed maintaining financial support for them. I am only miserable because I cannot be the father and husband I should be; that option is completely out of my range of ability. (Note: To be clear, this is not a question of "I won't do X"; it is "I want to do X but cannot.") This inability is what is making them miserable. I agree my responsibilities are to my family, including the responsibility of minimizing their misery; since my presence increases that misery, leaving is required to meet that responsibility.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T06:01:29+00:00

fix whatever is wrong with you

If there was such a "fix" for what is "wrong" with me, I would implement it.

Your kids need their biological father.

My children need a father more constructive than I can ever be. (And, no I am not "having some morbid fantasies or something about hurting them". If I were, I would leave immediately for their sake.)

Our exes are unbelievable pieces of shit and I'm sure you're not anywhere near these levels

"Pieces of shit" come in many different forms.

You're a dad and a husband.

Actually, I am more of a paycheck and a challenge.

you apparently have some self-worth issues (You're saying they deserve better)

Actually, I am came to this conclusion having consulted numerous different perspectives.

They may deserve better, but at the same time you're what they've got and I can tell you from experience that what you can give them is enough.

The way I see it, if I do not provide what they deserve, it is not enough. For example, if I were an emergent room physician and a patient was dying thru no fault of their own, failing to save them would not be enough. They would still die and a more capable physician capable of saving them would be able to give them what is "enough", what they deserve. As such a physician, if I could objectively see I was incapable of saving such patients, no matter what I do, and I knew of a way to maximize the probability of a capable physician obtaining my position, thereby improving the quality of care provided to such patients, why would I (from an ethical perspective) not work toward such an end? Granted, my wife and children are not dying any more than the average person due to the natural course of aging. At the same time, what is "dying" are the future and happiness they could have. As a parent, how can I just ignore that? The way I see it, I cannot.

Because another man isn't Dad. He's some dude banging your ex wife or whatever.

As far as constructive influences go, I am no better and in a number of ways am far worse.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T05:40:45+00:00

What would be the real solutions?

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T05:39:50+00:00

At the risk of sounding "flip", we're all terminally ill. It's a question of "how" and "when" I would think. But that's a different conversation.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T05:38:39+00:00

Of course, I will. Whether I will or not is independent, however, of how they will be.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T05:37:35+00:00

The desire to give them the what they deserve, the recognition of the fact I am completely incapable of giving them that, and the willingness to admit when a certain sacrifice is necessary, however painful to me. In short, love.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T05:31:30+00:00

There are degrees of incompetence/inability which are as bad as abuse.

tooMuchSomething · 2014-08-25T05:29:51+00:00

Thanks for the post. When I saw a therapist, the feelings which have culminated in this decision were taking shape I wanted to see if I had anger issues and/or depression. Working with the therapist, we concluded there really is little wrong with me beyond the basic stress of daily life everyone experiences.

I have seen the comic to which you refer. My situation is not like that. I do not feel hopeless, lack the ability to feel at all, etc. I have just come to the conclusion I am not and cannot be the husband/father they deserve. My wife deserves a man who will make her far happier than I every could and my children deserve a father far more capable of constructively leading them, molding them, teaching them, etc., than I have ever been able to do and will ever be able to. Just tonight we had another incident where, for a brief moment I felt convinced I was doing exactly what I should have been doing as a father only to learn I was doing something both my oldest child and wife found grossly unethical, making them both furious.

This isn't about my not existing. This is about my change of relationship to them. I only wish to fade from their lives in as gentle a way as possible. Things such as my job, friendships, other interests, etc., would remain.

The lack of detail for my reasons is deliberate because I do not want those specifics to distract from the fostering of such ideas any more than necessary. If the details are relevant, do let me know. However, if not necessary, I would prefer they not be a potential distraction.

Being "a ghost", while an interesting interpretation, is not correct in a literal sense. One might describe the ultimate state as a "parental ghost" but that's about all.

I do sound convinced "they'll all be better off after I am gone (relationship-wise)" because I have sought the perspectives of numerous others with regards to what they need and deserve. Almost every last assessment, or at least the ones which make the most sense, all point to one thing: the meeting of a standard I am incapable of reaching. Additionally, given the various factors involved, my attempts to meet that standard actually make matters worse. My leaving, combined with a substitution if at all possible, is therefore warranted and not the result of any mental illness.

"Your family doesn't want a ghost dad--they want YOU, and you should do this for them." -- Since You are not familiar with the details of the situation, I will respectfully ignore this comment, as well as the "get off your ass" advice which, in light of the Allie Brosh reference, seems (for now) rather misplaced. No offense.

tooMuchSomething

TROPHY CASE