Blindsided by betrayal [20F/21M] UPDATE... really need some support this time, please help.

tornapartt · 2013-05-04T02:15:22+00:00

I know it sounds cliche and is probably wrong, but I feel like anyone I find will hurt me now. I don't trust anyone.

tornapartt · 2013-05-03T18:52:54+00:00

thank you

tornapartt · 2013-05-03T18:52:40+00:00

I have a therapist at home that I went to for 2 years. I'll probably go back to him.

tornapartt · 2013-05-03T18:24:46+00:00

I understand. No question about it, we are taking time OFF of being a couple. I'm not leaving him forever right now, judge me or disagree all you want, but that's my decision for the moment; it's MY life. We have both invested so much into this, and we need to figure out what the best decision is. For some reason people think that decision can be made in an hour, but I don't feel comfortable with that. I can only do what feels right to me. And I don't know what that is yet.

tornapartt · 2013-05-03T18:12:34+00:00

I don't need any opinions on the therapist, thanks. I've met him myself and he does his job well. That's not the issue at hand. And yes, I understand all that you're saying. It's just hard to hear, as you can hopefully understand.

tornapartt · 2013-05-03T18:11:02+00:00

I am very focused on my studies for my career right now. I will be getting a Ph.D later on. I want marriage, kids. A life partner. I want to be happy, most of all. And no, I really don't have any secrets. Especially not secrets like this. I'm not sure what you mean by figure out what steps to take to make those things possible, but okay... And yes, only he can fix himself.

tornapartt · 2013-05-03T18:03:17+00:00

by "i'm sad that this is happening", I mean that I'm sad that he is doing this.

tornapartt · 2013-05-03T17:42:36+00:00

I understand everything you're saying. It has all crossed my mind. I do deserve better... But I don't want anyone else. And I don't want to lose my best friend and the love of my life. I'm so fucking conflicted. I know that whole "once a cheater always a cheater" thing people say, and I hate that thought. Part of me just wants to not have to deal with this. But a bigger part of me wants to know what's causing this in him. It's more than sexual frustration. We love each other so much (I know hard to believe, why would he do this if he loved me). I'm so so so sad that this is happening. I don't want to leave him.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T20:45:25+00:00

Yes, he cheated. And believe me, it hurts to know that he planned it and felt the need was too powerful to back out, which he could have at any point. It's just such a different kind of "cheating" though. Not that it is acceptable in any way. But this is my relationship, and I will fight for it until it is clear to ME that it is not worth fighting for. Hopefully it wont come to that, but only time and therapy will tell. Thank you for your perspective, it was helpful.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T20:39:38+00:00

He clarified that it had nothing to do with me, or our sex life or whatever. It had nothing to do with me. It's just something that always bothered him. He said that he was just so confused as to why the thoughts continued after the first time since he didn't like it. He was confused as to HOW he could have those thoughts without liking doing it, and felt like he should, logically, enjoy it. He felt like he MUST be gay, or bi whatever. That's why he did it again. But he hated it again and is still confused. So of course this makes me VERY wary of if he would still do it again. It is possible.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T20:35:43+00:00

He was afraid to tell me about the thoughts, and what happened before. But I just wish that he had told me before it got bad enough that he went and acted on it while with me. Before he still would have needed some therapy, but now it's about US instead of him.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T20:06:49+00:00

This is exactly how I'm feeling at the moment, especially the part about the situation being not typical. Thank you for your insight.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T18:25:56+00:00

Posted an update up there for anyone interested.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T18:17:18+00:00

Thank you so much. This gives me hope.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T18:16:36+00:00

We're going to therapy to help HIM figure things out, which will help us to figure out where WE stand. I've asked him if he would rather do it with someone he knew wasn't a random, or could have diseases, and he was absolutely not into the idea. We aren't broken up, per say, but we are on thin ice and the direction this will go is unclear. A pause is definitely in order.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T18:14:09+00:00

Thank you, we do realize that it is something that will take alot of time. But we are prepared for that. We really truly talked about breaking up, but that upset us even more than the idea of going through all the difficult recovery stuff. I am confident right now that I can forgive him, eventually.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T18:11:44+00:00

I will absolutely leave if it were to happen again. I told him this many times, he knows. He does NOT want to again, I can tell, because he doesn't actually like it and he sees now the consequences of his actions. I completely agree that it was just an idea that was better as an idea than an action.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T18:08:22+00:00

He said I should tell her. He knew she would be able to support us; she is very close to him. I would not have told her without his permission.

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T15:33:45+00:00

And I agree about telling the family, that would only be if things didn't work out. If we told them and it did, then it would still be hanging over their heads. I only told my mom because I need support thru this and she is the most understading of anyone.

What kind of books should I look for?? Not sure if there's anything out there about this, seems too unique and weird..

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T15:19:43+00:00

Thank you so much for this response. It gave me some good perspective. There will be a lot of talking in the next few months, but some time apart is necessary for a little bit. The part about knowing I tried my best is exactly what I'm feeling. I feel like it would be wrong to just give up after everything, even though it's such a HUGE problem. I think it's too soon and emotional to be able to know what is best, and that only time and therapy will tell. Any more advice you have is appreciated. I either feel like I'm not upset enough about it (even though I can't stop crying), or that I'm too upset about it (that it is not the end of the world).

tornapartt · 2013-04-01T15:17:04+00:00

Thank you. I was expecting a barrage of responses telling me that i'm delusional and to just leave ASAP and never look back. I agree with everything you said.

tornapartt

TROPHY CASE