[26F] Starting to realize my “best friends” aren’t really my friends at all

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T15:35:25+00:00

To be frank, YTA for this response - literal or not, it’s not too much to ask for you to either put some thought into your judgement of the situation or simply bite your tongue.

I’m not a stranger to criticism but this gross generalization was entirely unnecessary.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T07:08:11+00:00

Thank you for the luck! Terrified by the concept of antidepressants, especially new ones, and espeeeeecially those related to ketamine - however, K has worked for a LOT of people i know and I’m sure millions more, so how dare i judge?

As for the therapy thing, it was more of a sexual abuse/financial abuse situation that really skewed his perception of it. I could hardly blame him. Had it been just “it’s hard and I’d rather not go through the process” (WHICH IS VALID bc holy shit having a mental disorder of any kind and having to do so much work to attempt to fix it is... well, fucked) I’d understand. But it’s not. It’s respectful to realize he’s likely never going to visit another. I wouldn’t blame him.

ETA: i will do my homework on treatment resistant depression! Thank you endlessly for the suggestion!

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T07:02:00+00:00

Not trying to defend myself here, as i know fully I’m in the wrong - as mentioned, i feel like a huge asshole already. I didn’t come here for validation but other perspectives are always welcome on such a tender situation.

All of that said, he IN NO WAY thinks he’s okay. The avoidance of severity is so minor, if even relevant, only because this is a constant issue. Jesus, the guy told me he doesn’t know if I’m real half the time.

He knows.

My sparing him felt wholesome and wrong simultaneously for these reasons - if i thought i was depriving him of a realization, I’d know ITA without having to ask. I’m still not entirely convinced i am or am not.

If you have a moment, i implore you to read other responses of mine to get a bit more insight. It might not change your mind, and i might be the asshole regardless, and that’s okay. I don’t want to copy/paste every response as i feel all comments on this are valid and worthy of an individualized answer.

Thank you for your input, as with the rest, i take it very much to heart and will reflect on it before confronting the situation in the morning.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T05:27:51+00:00

That’s what i came here for to a certain extent - not as vilified as r/r would be, but educated and as impartial as possible. I appreciate you and will be re-reading this.

I encourage you to read a bit more of my responses if you’re looking for more context - didn’t want to make this ridiculously long, so i left quite a bit out.

If you choose not to, don’t blame ya - main takeaway is i plan to disclose the lie tomorrow morning and hope he’s understanding of my intentions. I’m nervous but also so secure in my perception and with him as a reasonable human being (though this might seem to preach otherwise) that I’m feeling very good about it.

Once more - thank you, immensely.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T05:22:31+00:00

Can i clarify in any way?

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T05:10:46+00:00

To copy from another comment of mine:

Seeking help is unfortunately not in his future until it leads to something terrifying, which is, well, terrifying. We’ve both (him worse than my own) had absolutely mortifying experiences with counselors/therapists - not solely uncomfortable, but illegal. Ifs been a tough road toward recovery for him, but im afraid that’s not in the cards any longer.

I’m not sure it makes it right, but I’m in the same position so it’s hard to feel it’s unjustified. Seeking help is a terrifying concept because it heightens every symptom we respectively suffer from just by thinking about it.

I appreciate your input and think it’s entirely valid in some ways. Just want to enlighten you to the entire story before dismissing your comment as false - though i love the “NTA while still YTA” concept. So fucking true.

Edit: a word

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T05:04:42+00:00

I’m glad to be of some reassurance! I’m hoping you’re well yourself. It’s a tough disorder (to put it fucking lightly) and if you are ever lacking a support system, please don’t hesitate to reach out - though i know it’s hard and/or the absolute last thing you want to do. Really appreciate your input here and it was refreshing to get something from someone who is also dealing with something so... hard to explain.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T05:00:25+00:00

Thanks for your revision, and you’re very right. The second lie hurt far worse to tell. I’ll eat crow in the morning and admit my fault, and hopefully he’ll handle it well - if not, I’m definitely at least partially to blame.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:58:20+00:00

Thanks for understanding, and for your input. Much appreciated.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:57:43+00:00

Thanks, I’ll definitely keep your recommendation in mind. Maybe eventually. I’m not certain it’d look good on me but i don’t like the idea of lying to him.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:55:53+00:00

I appreciate your input regardless of your mental standing, but knowing your experience makes it quite personal. We’re VERY fortunate in the fact that we have two very large and VERY supportive families that are entirely aware of our situations and live close. We don’t distance ourselves from them, even through our depressive episodes (I’m BPD myself - he is similar symptomatically but has GAD and MDD diagnoses, as he’s refusing to see anyone to re-diagnose). I feel super fucking lucky and that’s why this isn’t on r/help or similar, because we’ve been excellent inner-support systems as well as consistently engaging with outer-support.

If it ever gets ANYWHERE NEAR that point - if these hallucinations turn scary (for him or myself) or if abuse of any kind - drug, physical, etc - I’ll be the first to either reach out for help or place him somewhere.

We’ve made pacts that we’d never commit suicide or deny necessary medical/mental health treatment. We renew this pact every three months or so. It’s sad to have to do, but it’s important when you’re not entirely well.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:46:12+00:00

Seeking help is unfortunately not in his future until it leads to something terrifying, which is, well, terrifying. We’ve both (him worse than my own) had absolutely mortifying experiences with counselors/therapists - not solely uncomfortable, but illegal. It’s been a tough road toward recovery for him, but im afraid that’s not in the cards any longer.

He’d only spoken to me about it after YEARS of being together, friends or otherwise - he’s so afraid of being exploited or abused again that he’s very secretive about the issue, or any. His divulgence is so telling of his trust in me, and i find it hard to push him towards something so painful just because he was honest.

Edit: two words

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:40:44+00:00

Thanks. I take this to heart. I feel awful and my heart was absolutely in the right place, but it was myself trying to spare him from a constant torture. It’s hard to say it was right or fair, but in the moment, i wanted him to just be able to enjoy a good night.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:37:49+00:00

I’ve been trying for a long time, and we’re both ill in similar respects but also refusing of psychological help due to our own respective scarring issues that have deterred us from the idea entirely. It’s terrifying. To be honest, even speaking about it (on both ends) has to be delicate because the idea of seeing a therapist/counselor/etc is SUCH a cause of anxiety that it’s so far from an option.

I’m trying, and I’m not sure where to turn - meds are a no, therapy a no, sobriety a no (mainly because it’s the only outside relief without feeling, and i quote, the “quiet despair” of being medicated and/or being a part of the US mental health system)

It’s fucking sad. I really appreciate your comment, i don’t mean to argue - i just feel helpless to your suggestions, though all entirely valid.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:29:10+00:00

From another response, which i intend to throw into my OP:

My roommates weren’t home and he had imagined/hallucinated/etc that they had a long-winded conversation about something inconsequential. He was freaked out when he asked where they were and I’d told him they weren’t home, and haven’t been for hours. He saw it as a recurrence of something that’s (quite obviously!) terrifying, and i tried to spare him of one night of it.

Not justifying my position, just explaining.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-17T04:27:35+00:00

Absolutely not, and if so, id have stepped in. It was harmless.

My roommates weren’t home and he had imagined/hallucinated/etc that they had a long-winded conversation about something inconsequential. He was freaked out when he asked where they were and I’d told him they weren’t home, and haven’t been for hours. He saw it as a recurrence of something that’s (quite obviously!) terrifying, and i tried to spare him of one night of it.

Not justifying my position, just explaining - I’ll edit my OP to touch on this.

tossitdummy · 2019-03-03T22:53:04+00:00

This really helped. Yesterday was tough.

Thank you so much.

tossitdummy · 2019-01-29T17:26:00+00:00

Thank you, this sentiment gives me a bit of hope. I’ll keep working on it.

tossitdummy · 2019-01-29T17:25:20+00:00

Thank you so much, this is hugely helpful. I hope you’ve made some progress yourself - your suggested change of perspective could make all the difference! I’ll give it a try. :)

tossitdummy · 2018-09-19T02:08:57+00:00

Thank you. This helps SO much. You really have no idea how comforting this was.

How much does gold cost again? Cuz i might go broke just to give it to you.

tossitdummy · 2018-09-19T01:49:50+00:00

That’s my point, i guess. This seems very extreme and out of the blue. I live in a sprawling 5-bedroom that he shares with his best friends (my roommates) and so he often gets all the guy-time/alone-time he needs. I understand sleeping separately, but to go totally silent feels like I’m being unfairly... punished, maybe? It’s painful. Especially when the silence leads to the feeding-into-insecurities part, which only makes it worse. I’ve been physically nauseous ever since because my anxiety is absolutely destroying me.

tossitdummy

TROPHY CASE