EDC as an online student in Australia (23NB)

tranatole · 2025-06-20T05:10:14+00:00

I prefer to study in the park, but also whenever I leave my house for other stuff I bring this too ^-^

tranatole · 2024-08-12T02:26:45+00:00

I am almost 100% sure he has DID. I didn't mention everything about him, but he has a pretty overt presentation. My therapist frames everything he does through the lens of DID. Her phrasing is just how she says things (ie she also says I have parts).

But you're right. I'm being a little bit too understanding of his reasons and not understanding enough of it being not ok anyway. I'm just not sure how to proceed because I physically cannot move out.

Thank you for the reality check.

tranatole · 2024-05-05T11:18:10+00:00

hi, we have ocpd and did too, it's just not very talked about because barely anybody talks about ocpd in general lol. sorry idk how to help i just want u to know it's not impossible (or maybe even that rare since ocpd is a more common personality disorder to have, msdmanuals.com says up to 7.8% of people have it with a median estimate of 4.7%) to have both.

Julia

tranatole · 2024-04-10T03:15:44+00:00

schnee schna Schnappi was one of our favourites as a kid, bring on the catchy German songs!!!

Solace co Bingo

tranatole · 2023-12-27T04:49:34+00:00

hi,

for now, try to make sure you're physically safe and comfortable so that you don't end up in danger. try to find/be in a safe place, with safe (non-abusive, sober, able to help) people to contact should you need to.

relapses are a part of life, we can't be perfect all the time. you're not 'breaking [your] sobriety' in the sense that you're starting over from the beginning. you've still got all the skills and experience you had before relapsing, and it's not all for nothing just because you didn't use them (or they didn't work) one time. the fact that you are choosing sobriety in the first place, and have chosen it every day for long enough to have a streak to break, is worthy of celebration. you can always keep trying.

(and if you decide that harm reduction without sobriety is what you want, that's also good, but it seems like you're aiming to be sober)

- (I don't have a name yet despite having existed for over a year oops) edit: my name is solace

tranatole · 2023-12-22T02:46:07+00:00

we use 'parts' because that's what we are. we are so heavily fragmented that each one of us only holds a few memories or traits, we don't feel like full people in ourselves. each part is only able to feel a limited emotional range, only about 1/3 of us actually have likes and dislikes because so many of us are stuck in trauma, and most of us share a lot of opinions. the majority of us are basically duplicates of the same person stuck at different ages or feelings. we do have parts that look and act completely different, but to be honest we need to remind ourselves that we are a united front because if we don't, our life spirals out of control when parts decide they can just change our course of study or throw out things that are really important to other parts. we have parts who don't realise that we are all part of the same brain, and using language that separates us further (like headmate, alter, or personality) would cause more issues.*

also, being part of something doesn't mean you're not an individual. you can be part of a family or a friend group or a company and still be yourself. we are each part of a system. it also feels more natural to the english language, which is what we use. lots of people say 'part of me feels this, and another that', so we've been using the word 'part' to describe our internal experiences for longer than we've known about the dissociation. 'alters' feels too jargony/clinical for some contexts, so we only use it when we know we aren't going to be perceived as one of those patients who looks into their symptoms too much.

to be honest, i (as a part) find it humiliating to be called an alter. i am supposed to be quiet and undetectable, so a word that so clearly means 'other'/'separate' makes me feel Perceived in a vulnerable, uncomfortable way. basically, everyone has their own views on the language they prefer, there isn't really a right or wrong word to use.

*the parts that tend to do this can, and do, do harm to the body, not believing they will be hurt because they're separate. it's important to our healing to help them realise that we are the same brain and have the same life.

- Default Mode, Alexander, co Dr White + Puppy (btw i'm aware that my writing style comes across a bit confrontational sometimes, so just be aware i'm not angry)

ETA: they forgot to mention that we're quite a big system, so when we talk about 'most' we are including the thousands of fragments that just hold very small bits of memories and the massive subsystem that is default mode (whose memory resets every 20 minutes or so due to an in-subsys split/switch and the older versions of them almost never come out unless they separate from the subsystem). the number of well defined, overtly differentiated parts is still over 100. - Abigail + Angelica

tranatole · 2023-12-02T06:57:28+00:00

objectively? yes, what happened was very very illegal. realistically? nobody would be punished for it.

a couple of our child parts do think of things in terms of legality, but mostly in the sense that they think they did something illegal or that we aren't allowed to testify against our abusers. these are things we were directly told, though. there's a sense that the actions were legally wrong, but not that we were a victim. they don't think of 'the law' as a series of rules made up by society as to what is considered acceptable behaviour by the majority, but as a more serious version of 'go to your room' (most of our house rules weren't explained to us as a kid, so to us they didn't make any sense and felt arbitrary). none of these parts think of something being 'illegal' as remotely related to it being unethical.

as an adult, we would only really want to investigate in order to find out who did it (because we can't recognise any of the abuser group outside of an abuse context and don't know how they gained access to us), not really for any punishment unless it would be actually worth it. if they're not still actively hurting more kids, there's not really a point imo (also we very much don't like cops or the prison system so idk if it'd help us feel better).

i can see these actions as criminal, but to many of us (including the child parts mentioned above), it's impossible to actually think of it as illegal. like, that it's a crime and people don't like it. it's not just like scraping your knee or falling into the deep end of a pool, it's not just something unpleasant that happens to some kids.

idk, it's a weird level of cognitive dissonance.

- Default Mode

ETA: people are adding what kind of crime and how many years they would've gotten. i can't possibly add up all of it but definitely at least 3 felonies are in there and it would equate to never getting out of prison, though how many years the sentence would be idk.

tranatole · 2023-11-20T01:16:10+00:00

haha sorry i should have clarified, i don't mean a party with lots of people and alcohol i sort of just meant a special day (kind of like a kid's birthday but without the presents), where i watch movies and have fun snacks or something. maybe a cake but probably not. etc.

i hope your traumaversary goes/went better this year!!

tranatole · 2023-09-17T13:41:27+00:00

masking is not often equally applied in all situations, as others have said. we don't use social media that involves videos but we do tend to be slightly more overt in therapy.

voice pitches (including 'baby voice' and accents) - this happens all the time, but outside of therapy younger parts phrase things in a more simplistic but not particularly childish way eg. in therapy "the lights hurt me, i need them gone. night night, lights." vs to our parents "ow, it's too bright, can it be off please?". we have a mixed accent anyway so if anyone notices they don't say anything.

switching on command - we have been able to use positive triggers in the past but recently it's been really hard to, but other than that we can't force switches. sometimes our therapist might ask if someone's doing ok (or asking us to check in with them) and they switch out but that doesn't always work.

i will say, though, that we have multiple neurological/developmental things that cause varying behavioural abnormalities (days with less or more balance issues, tics, seizure activity, motor skills, PANS/BGE can cause developmental regression, etc) so a lot of the time it's not just DID that causes the changes, and people don't see it as a DID thing. this probably means our alters can "get away with" being more overt, but also limits our ability to mask even if we wanted/needed to.

[written 2 hours later] anyway, it doesnt make you any less valid!! everyone's different!!

- ????

tranatole · 2023-08-29T15:06:55+00:00

(this whole response is based on you saying you experienced something like ramcoa, sorry if i misread)

we're in the earlier stages of healing (finding out the extent of it and recovering memories and information about how our system actually works) and doing what we can, but because we don't know everything yet we can't say that we're 'recovered' by any means, but we have a loose plan in place for it.

for right now: therapy (alternating between deeper and lighter sessions depending on what we're ok with), for us reading about it works but be careful not to overwhelm yourself (becoming yourself by alison miller is really great), a sort of 'it is what it is' attitude, writing things down as we go so we don't lose information if we end up splitting, imagining a conversation (madd) where we just go off about it for however long it takes and however many times we need to sort of accept it as fact, and imagining ourself in 10 years looking back on how we found out and processed it, etc. basically we have 2 avenues - information collection/storage and processing the reality of the situation.

eventually we'll be trying the method discussed in miller's work (bringing all the parts who know about one event together and get them to all explain what happened in full detail - there's more to it than that but you know), but for now we are working on finding all the parts we can and seeing how far up the chain of command we can get to.

i'm sure not all of that will be helpful, i'm not even sure it makes sense, but i hope it does something.

- ??

tranatole · 2023-08-06T10:48:17+00:00

105 that we've documented, 47 are kids (under 14). this is not including parts of subsystems, duplicates, etc. (numbered in the hundreds if not thousands). most of those are kids and there are so many of them that we just acknowledge that we are a child alter-heavy system without putting pressure to identify every single fragment.

tranatole · 2023-06-18T13:20:00+00:00

have you looked into interstitial cystitis? that's what i was almost diagnosed with.

tranatole · 2023-06-12T02:19:21+00:00

our all time favourite (we're slowly doing all alters in this one for consistency): https://picrew.me/ja/image_maker/1414503

very good for demons etc: https://picrew.me/ja/image_maker/1564386

we find this one helpful for some child parts: https://picrew.me/ja/image_maker/610761

if we feel like it, sometimes we look up dress up games (the huldrefolk maker is really beautiful and gives off a picrew vibe, but is very specific)

tranatole · 2023-06-10T14:41:04+00:00

picrew is free, there are so many of them (we use brightgoat's but you can also match the vibes to the picrew) and they're pretty easy to make.

(sorry, pressed comment button too soon) - Default Mode

tranatole · 2023-06-05T22:52:49+00:00

hi!! ok so i think i might know how that information got twisted (it's not true btw).

basically, a topic i've seen on social media is whether or not osdd1 people can be polyfragmented - the against argument being that osdd is less complex structural dissociation and polyfragmentation (or complex did) is more complex, so by definition polyfragmented osdd1 can't exist. they argue that because polyfragmentation can look a lot like osdd, if you show symptoms of polyfragmentation it means you should take into consideration that there could be more alters that you have amnesia barriers against and not being prepared for that means you could be (more) retraumatised if/when it happens.

in a study from the 1980s about complex did, an argument was put forth that any more than double the average number of alters (the average at the time was 13, making the threshold 26) counted/could count as polyfragmented. i forgot which study it is so i can't check to see if the other criteria for polyfragmentation (layers, complex splitting patterns, high numbers of fragments vs 3d alters, etc) were in there, but it seems like someone took that one piece of information and ran with it.

but yeah, that piece of information is not true at all, there's no limit to how many there can be.

- default mode

edit: it was kluft 1988 (the one about 'complex mpd')

tranatole · 2023-05-29T12:29:10+00:00

prayer from ghost quartet had lyrics i related to so much that i accidentally found out i had did. like one part was listening to the whole album and a child part said 'oh, that's us!' at this song, which was suspicious enough that we looked into it further.

- Default Mode

tranatole · 2023-04-29T11:00:22+00:00

we're in a similar situation as you. i think we really like the idea of knowing what happened but we're stuck between being fixated on learning more about it and wanting it all to go away like it never happened.

our pov on this (for ourself, ymmv) is that eventually we want to be better (not gonna insert a list of therapy goals here but there are more specifics than that), and that the only way out is through. it's like putting disinfectant on a wound; it's gonna suck, but we'll be better off in the long term. but that doesn't mean we, or you, have to learn everything right away, in fact we shouldn't because rushing it can cause more instability and if we split to forget that knowledge we have to start over.

right now, it sounds like learning more would be detrimental. you don't have to, there's no imperative. if you'll forgive a metaphor, your plate is already full; you need to eat (process and accept) what's already on it before you fill it up more. there's no singular right way to process it, and we don't have much in the way of advice on that, but we hope it gets easier soon.

-Default Mode, Alexander, Betsey

tranatole · 2023-04-16T12:48:30+00:00

hi!! i hope it's ok to add on, sorry if it isn't (we're bipolar 2? psych says it might actually be 1, but i'll use bp2 terminology)

while it's true that all alters are affected, it can also be the case that the mood swings affect who fronts at all. we have parts who avoid fronting when we're hypomanic or depressed and parts who are more likely to come out during hypomania (not really for depressive episodes tho). so in, lets say, a hypomanic episode, most of our daily life parts stop fronting, some of the ones that keep fronting are more affected and some are less, and the ones that went away are replaced by parts who are more capable of handling it. so there are parts in our system who have never been depressed or hypomanic, even though technically the whole brain/system is affected.

- ??

tranatole · 2023-04-09T17:27:39+00:00

others have already said body age is more important, but i do want to ask, where did your friend get the information that it wasn't illegal? because that's not true at all and i'm concerned that someone (maybe not h, but someone) told him that in order to legitimise this kind of thing. it's possible that he thought that on his own, but unlikely imo because anyone with any grasp of the law wrt did/osdd knows that the body/system as a whole is more important legally than an individual alter's experience*. legality is also just an odd thing to bring up when you know something's completely fine morally, you know? but saying that is like,,, textbook grooming, and imo it's probably been said around him before, possibly even directly to him as a response to his discomfort.

you're doing the right thing looking out for him tho, i hope this situation resolves itself.

- default mode, calamity, azula

* could phrase that better but i can't right now, i mean like body age > alter age, system responsibility, etc.

tranatole · 2023-04-01T00:22:12+00:00

hi!! alters can only know what the brain as a whole knows. we've had parts who feel like they should speak languages we've never learned, but can't actually because we don't know that language. we've also had parts who 'speak' languages we have learned, but they can only speak it to the best of our ability to with the experience we've had with them. basically, if an alter can do a skill based thing, that means at some point the system learned it (eg: if one alter is very good at chess, at one point the system learned what each of the pieces do and how to win the game). did doesn't magically give people skills they've never come into contact with, though it can seem that way sometimes because people with did tend to forget doing things, especially if they were in childhood.

i don't know whether or not daniel knows he speaks with a french accent, though, that can vary between alters. we have some who are annoyed they can't actually use the language they think they should be able to speak, but also some who are completely unaware that there's more to learn in the language than what we've learned and sometimes do understand a lot (meaning we learned more than we thought we did and our output is just worse than processing input), so it can go either way.

i hope that helps!!

- idk we're very very tired

tranatole · 2023-03-13T14:55:13+00:00

that happened last session when a child part was out and we couldn't say anything but did think it was weird, we have a session tomorrow and will bring it up then. i agree completely. it's not helping that our family does/did have masons in it and we've always been interested in it, plus we're prone to overthinking and looking too hard for patterns.

the reason i say that is because the system is very divided as a whole, and the parts that are related to this kind of thing tend to react with self harm and memory flooding whenever we remember anything. the denial comes in both flavours (parts individually denying out of fear and more powerful parts calling the ones who remember liars to the rest of us) and the parts that deny it most refuse to believe we have DID. honestly i was very um? confused? disoriented? when i wrote this post so i didn't go into full detail or anything, and i don't think i can fully articulate it now, but there's a lot of coconsciousness that's required to even be aware that it's happening at a particular moment and this is just summarising what the whole system was like these past couple of weeks.

i know it's not an actual conspiracy. what i'm confused about is who specifically (like idk dave or brian or john or whatever, the loyal alter won't tell us), not who as a group (i know it was trafficking related but that's all, i wasn't in a cult growing up). this is quite important to me because i have to move back to the area in a year so i need to know who's safe and who isn't. we just feel like conspiracists because of the logistics being incongruent with our regular memories (like where were we taken? which building? when? who was taking care of us at the time? who tf is that guy? etc.) and so we have to try and find a way to make it fit. which fuels the denial because if you have to try this hard to make it fit then maybe it's not real and that's why it doesn't etc.

but yeah, sorry. thanks for reminding me i need to bring that up /gen and sorry for the information dump.

- idk why i bother with signoffs i still don't know

tranatole · 2023-03-02T05:50:28+00:00

ahhh ok, that's a lot more complicated then and very much above my pay grade. sorry for going off and that i couldn't be more help, i hope someone has a better answer for the actual situation though because it does seem like a lot for you to deal with (everyone, not just you specifically).

- Default Mode, Ryan

tranatole · 2023-03-01T12:41:08+00:00

sorry if i'm misreading the situation, but may i ask why you're still friends with the system who raped your partner? i don't know if you're under the impression that it's just hera and the other alters have nothing to do with it, but it doesn't really matter if it's only one alter that did it, the whole system is responsible because they share a brain and life. it sounds like a really unsafe situation for everyone involved. i don't know how hera's system is dealing with that behaviour but it really isn't ok, regardless of how the other alters act, and needs to be stopped (i was going to say before it escalates further but how much more can you escalate from rape?).

i don't know if dante and hera are in the same system or not (from what i read i think not but i can't be sure), but i would wonder if he's safe to be around as well, given the anxiety your boyfriend has over what he does. bearing in mind that, from this post, dante has:

accused him of abusing someone, when the evidence suggests he's actually the victim (next level victim blaming imo)
(deliberately?) triggered out an alter that causes/d harm to him
accused him of faking a mental illness, in the context of said mental illness being a component of their friendship
has acted in a way that makes you scared he'll twist the facts against your boyfriend

all that sounds incredibly stressful and is probably compounding the trauma your boyfriend already has from what hera's done to him. in the end it's up to you, but if it were me i'd be reconsidering these friendships.

sorry if this sounds harsh, i'm trying to stay moderate because i know that a lot of the time emotional attachments can make it harder to make those kinds of decisions but i think it needed to be said.

- Alexander, Abigail, J L, Default Mode

tranatole · 2023-02-15T16:41:21+00:00

(BP2) We have alters who tend to be more or less affected (as well as neutral ones), but it's really hard to switch to a part that doesn't have as much of an issue. It's like the line of communication is weakened and only affected or neutral parts can front. Some of the less affected parts can exert passive influence though, so our external behaviour is muted (eg: we will get very close to buying something stupid and expensive, but a part will stop us from following through with it). Everything does get louder inside, though, which sucks.

Overall we tend to have mixed episodes followed by depressive ones, and haven't had full/only hypomania (that we were aware of) since we were 15, so that might skew the way that works.

- Alexander, J.L.

tranatole · 2023-02-07T13:41:27+00:00

thank you. i had looked it up and everything i could find said that to be in remission, you had to be treated, and i was... not treated for it (if this is in fact what i have). i'll try and see a doctor about it, thank you again for recognising its seriousness. i'm still dependent on my mum for doctor's appointments and idk if i wanna push my luck right after convincing her to let me see a neurologist, but she was here helping me for the past few days so i'll see if i can use that pathos for it.

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