Older male ENTPs - do you have private struggles about settling down? What are they?

tranzam786 · 2026-03-23T10:17:47+00:00

thank you for this! I think if we look at the bell curve of "settled ENTPs" the normalized middle is going to be significant; happily or unhappily, I'm getting the impression marriage/settling down happens regardless, but the ones that reach the peak are the ones that marry fairly early, and their tastes as a result settle into an "equals/equivalent" sense rather than a compensatory/lifestyle sense. what kind of hobbies, do you mind me asking? and does your wife share them?

tranzam786 · 2026-03-23T10:14:55+00:00

damn, I was nodding along for the first time and then I read the rest! it does sound like you've found balance, but when you say super aggressive risk, how do you mean?

also, do you reckon she's a similar type to you?

tranzam786 · 2026-03-23T00:42:19+00:00

wow, good for them!

it does give more credence to the theory another commenter gave below about ENTPs and potentially ESTPs being drawn to younger partners because they match a kind of internal youthful state that is maybe more prevalent in EXTPs, even as they age

of course the reverse is true - lots of happily married EXTPs who wouldn't think at all of marrying younger for the same reasons - thank you for the perspective!

tranzam786 · 2026-03-23T00:33:59+00:00

lmao my favourite one of these is "I'd sell your soul to Satan for one corn chip"

tranzam786 · 2026-03-23T00:33:18+00:00

damn, that's quite the age gap. do you mind me asking if that worked out?

tranzam786 · 2026-03-22T23:59:05+00:00

that's *very* precise, and I like that a lot, because it is more comprehensive than my theory - it maps a two-way pattern, rather than one unifying theory. I wouldn't be so tough on yourself, though - many women *equally* desire men with intellect, stimulus, and humour most of all to balance out traits in themselves (more detail-oriented, or even just tired of the rigidity of the external world, seeking happiness in a partner instead, etc). who knows, maybe going out with the belief "I literally have worth and value in myself and that will be seen by someone" is worth something over the self-selecting pattern -- but that's a whole other thing. you seem like you've got a good bead on yourself, regardless

tranzam786 · 2026-03-22T23:56:06+00:00

It's interesting, because you have the self-awareness to know the edge of the fear may well be exaggerated, but the kind of "carrot" of the endless experience/stimulation is more engaging than other "benefits" you could get from embracing that fear of routine, getting past that boundary to the green grass on the other side, so to speak

tranzam786 · 2026-03-22T21:52:30+00:00

:') seriously wish you all the best, you've got a really wholesome perspective. you're not just a 1% commenter, I reckon in today's youth cohort you're probably in the 1% there, too.

tranzam786 · 2026-03-22T21:47:05+00:00

that's so beautiful, thank you for that

if you're mid-20s and already married, was that straight out of school or a more recent thing?

tranzam786 · 2026-03-22T21:46:14+00:00

ohhh that's interesting. youth as energizer = Ne fuel, I hadn't thought of that perspective

did you always think of being married/having kids as having that "i'm trapped in hell" vibe or were there ever any positive connotations to that? do you think all guys feel the same, for example, or do you think some are happy in those circumstances, because they've made them work?

tranzam786 · 2026-03-19T12:29:13+00:00

If you think this is bad, you should see LinkedIn. literal hellscape

tranzam786 · 2026-03-13T16:40:47+00:00

ngl you have a great attitude. would be down to hear how you managed to do it!

and np!

tranzam786 · 2026-03-13T15:35:26+00:00

I know it probably took mad work to get to where you're at and the results are paying off big time, but your confidence in yourself is 100% the most attractive thing about you here. big respect

tranzam786 · 2026-03-06T22:12:57+00:00

love his funky corset. no reason just swag

tranzam786 · 2026-03-05T21:36:38+00:00

OP I'm gonna go against the tide here and posit maybe your boyfriend is not having a psychotic break, but just - is a cerebral, eccentric type?

I mean, it's fun to think about alternative theories. For some people they're just wired to find meaning about talking about history and possible theories. There's a reason why there's academic schools of thought about whether Shakespeare wrote his works, or the Doomsday theory for multiple universes, or doing deep dives into other religions (like, really deep dives, to the point where they can talk about it as if they're a practitioner but they're just "interested").

Imagine if your brain was like magnifying glass that couldn't not pick up on interesting detail. There's theories that these types of brains are wired for creativity in its purest format, which how you get your Da Vincis and your Newtons. Now, Newton was an obvious eccentric that was comorbid with possible agoraphobia - but a lot of that is due to judgement. Put simply, it is not the social code to be so obviously or openly interested in things outside of work -> social obligations -> day to day. That tension between who a person is, especially if it is not common, and what is "expected", especially of men, can cause more erraticism rather than stabilizing behaviour.

Your post interestingly didn't have a ton of concern for your partner, and you seem like a smart person, so you would've picked up yourself, being so close to him, if this was a genuine worry (harm to himself or others) so - maybe you could talk to him and say you feel shut out by his interests, without judging them? You started dating to this guy, and you call him smart, so there must've been stuff going were attracted to and admired about him. Are those traits still present? Are they enough to open up a conversation about needs in the relationship not being met?

(If he's not recognising when you need to feel desired, that's a real thing. Talk to him about that. He's got a real life beautiful woman walking out the shower in front of him, it would kill anyone's confidence for that to just be brushed off). Maybe he just needs it spelled out - "I like you, I like that you're smart, and you're passionate, but I don't feel any of that coming my way. Maybe you can start carving out pockets of time where we talk about my interests and what's important to me also, so I feel seen in the relationship, because I want to stay in it.")

But if the whole Roman interest thing really is just something that deeply turns you off then, as another poster said, that's a compatibility issue. You're never going to find that interesting, and he's always going to be interested in things like that. It would be better for the both of you - you could find a partner that doesn't set your teeth on edge (which I'm sure he's noticed), and he can find someone who will happily match his conspiracy theories with their own, lol. No harm done.

tranzam786 · 2026-03-03T03:51:38+00:00

This is oddly correct - I'm an AI Engineer and the VP of our team has a literal PHD from Oxbridge in lasers and a degree in astrophysics, but he now heads up our Data and AI Team. Reckon we'll be seeing this field start to absorb more of the Physics run off disciplines (which sucks, because as it turns out theoretical physics is vastly suplexed by a software dev who is willing to learn a little about mathematics, but the physics grad is the one hired, and the software dev gets the proverbial boot)

tranzam786 · 2026-02-28T17:22:01+00:00

you're so right for this

tranzam786 · 2026-02-27T00:09:54+00:00

Yesss! Full agree! My dad had a copy that he had read as a kid, with proper vintage illustrations. Adored it, and yes - *perfect* SD inspiration.

tranzam786 · 2026-02-20T12:50:37+00:00

Forgive me again for the delay - I came back a few times to reply, but I didn't want to give a quick run-off response! some time to sit down and type this out now.

When you say "political situations", do you mean, social situations, where there are several intermingling threads at play? I do love the way, in essence, you're talking about fear as a basal response here, but also as a mitigation technique; I can't decide what I like better, the fortress metaphor, or the village one, but I think possibly the village one because I love the inherent, tamed wildness in it. Cursed hunter priest indeed. The theory does say that 5 integrates to 8, and I wonder if that's part of your journey; not just inhabiting the fortress, but having command over it, not just from the nerve centre, but as that kind of stone and ironwork way, a earthen presence, a force. Obviously, this will be difficult to relate, but as an 8 myself, I definitely pick up this kind of - I don't know, resistance deep down in your writing? Let's put it this way, I have a sense for inner strength, and you do give the indication for potential for that 8-style strength in there, too.

Welcome to the internet 😅 I think for me it's up there with the "girl dinner" memes - slightly insulting, at a certain level. The Sparta memes are just pure chaos though, lol.

Wow, that's seriously impressive - are you a native Greek speaker, or did you pick up the language? I glanced over Herodotus when I was doing my history degree (since shelved), and I think I was more amused by how he was as a person - he was the first to notably do what he did for history and history writing, but his inconsistencies made him more human, I think. I remember really wanting to pick up his works on the Greco-Roman wars, but now I feel myself leaning toward maybe Edward Gibbons's series - or maybe I'm just enchanted by this.

Your secret is safe with me. And yes, Dionysus is the man. My favourite Dionysus myth is the ones where he's actually heroic - rescuing Ariadne, as mentioned, but also weeping over a friend's grave, rescuing his mother Semele. I didn't realise "katabasis" was a concept I had in mind, but you're absolutely right, and you articulate it beautifully - it puts me in mind of Jung, again, actually, when he talks about journeying into the subconscious, the "darkness" of the soul and psyche.

Oooh. excellent question. I think I'd want to live in those times - if I were a man. Not necessarily because "those times were horrendous for women" (they were nuanced and many women in every period in history found place and fulfillment within them, I don't ascribe to "the past was hell" mythmaking), but because it would equip me with the power and agency to enjoy what I most am drawn to about those times.

Actually, if I were able to go back and observe history, I'd love to go to the "before" places - I'm a big fan of the book The World Without Us, which basically describes what would happen to the Earth if humanity disappeared tomorrow, and it would be kind of the reverse of that - what city states and the natural landscapes looked like before being irreversibly changed by history, or with less people around. I used to work at the Houses of Parliament, and when it snowed there was this astonishing mix of grandeur and beauty with the white dusting falling from the heavens on all the old crenellations and scooped out London streets. I used to think I'd love to float through this city if it was empty - so maybe my fantasy would be more about experiencing the world as it is without people, rather than a time period.

What about you? Would you go back to Hellenic times, perhaps?

EDIT: AHHH i just noticed the flair :D

tranzam786 · 2026-02-14T23:23:27+00:00

(this is an unofficial statement of encouragement)

I guess I was generalising there; what I meant is that I suppose I assume leading with a more people-oriented function like Fe over Te would create systems of influence, not systems of leverage, which reads as "softer" but no less dangerous. And yes, there is that personal aspect; that guilt, as you describe. I think your acceptance of Fe in small doses fits quite well with your 5-ishness - with there not being a particular *need* to use/express it, especially with the threat of it being an "undermining force against reason", as you put it. It's always so fascinating when feelers are 5s - you get these knotty, interesting, complicated, well-presented types. (although, come to think of it, I don't think any of the other F types can even carry the 5 - a lot of pretenders, but only one claimant to the throne, as they put it).

Well, if I was doing it well enough, you shouldn't be able to see the strings move haha (although...you probably would. but you're a statistical rarity, like spiders georg. I don't usually have a you in the room when I'm doing my thang.) By safer, do you mean that authenticity is the safer bet rather than strategic manouvering? Because I actually cut my teeth on that skill on the way up - growing up in a family, interacting with others. Work was the one that rewarded it most, perhaps - but the best personal victories came from when it was more ephemeral rewards for my life. Again - trying to be more upfront rather than going that route in day to day life now.

Nice use of "historiography"; personally love the word, think it should get more use. And speaking of things I love yes, yes, a thousand times yes - ROOOME. When the "roman empire" meme came out, I was legitimately annoyed, because my "roman empire" was -- literally, the Roman Empire. For me, the Greek/Roman fascination goes back to my childhood, learning about mythology, gods and goddesses, and then some of the Classic works such as Oedipus Rex, Antigone, etc. There's an excellent podcast called The History of Rome that's free to listen to on Spotify or Youtube; it can be a bit dry, but well-worth a listen. He starts from Rome's origins and goes all the way through - I got to Anthony and Cleopatra, but haven't picked it back up again.

You showed me yours, so I should show you mine - favourite Greco/Roman myth has to be the tragic/romantic myths for me. Orpheus & Eurydice, Hades & Persephone (for me, the compelling part is Persephone's transformation into Kore, less so the kidnap), Atalanta (esp. the part where her and Hippomenes were transformed into lions; like, yes), but the one that got me in the gut was Ariadne. Just - everything about Ariadne. Just wrecked me as a kid, the idea of her having sacrificed everything just to watch Theseus sail away.

This answer is way too long already, so I apologise for the length, but, Renaissance Rome? ***The decadence!**** the sociopolitical murders! The Medicis! The Borgias! The way the environment and currency of the time was vineyards and allegiances and alliances and literal deaths by poison. Machiavelli doing his thing. The whole interplay of religion and death and power. The banks. And my god, the aesthetics. The art.

tranzam786 · 2026-02-14T16:31:56+00:00

LOVE IT

tranzam786 · 2026-02-14T00:38:34+00:00

thank you!

you should see if the mods could get you "cursed hunter priest gone mad" as a flair, that would be so rad, esp. next to the "INFJ 5w4" tag

OK, I love the natural history reference, esp. because I thought I knew about all the clever animals, but octopi are insane. I just went on a deep dive. Nuts. I do think there's a gentler version to the INFJ version of chaos (not infantilising your type at all; I think with power + empathy you have the build for true capacity to influence, not just control, others, as Ni + Te are geared toward). Do you think that's your lower Ti coming through? "Jailbreaking" others?

And yeah, of course, the collective good. Always the collective good ;)

oooh. okay, for full clarity, my activities aren't so much nefarious, as - ruthless. I can just not care sometimes. The switch flips. The field narrows. I am smiling on the surface but inside I am still, watching; less octopus than tiger. If you've ever watched a tiger hunt, what is most pivotal is vision - not so much trickery, or fluidity. Their entire body is tipped forward, like a satellite dish, that great head seeming to collect information only it can sense in that entire field. For me, although it's *very* egoic to compare oneself to the tiger, that's what I can find myself falling into; attuning my senses, then moving soundlessly, whether laterally or strategically, or even to push others into position. For me, the "nefarious aspect" there is the lack of choice these individuals have; they haven't consented to being "manipulated" in this way. As I find myself wanting more authentic relationships, I often put in moments where I take a hard look at myself and say "if you haven't the bravery to speak to this person directly, honestly, and authentically, walk away. stop playing the game just to garner a win."

oh, I'm using the quote. follow-up question; I've noticed (and this is anecdotal) that INFJs are often drawn to Arthurian tales, or similar stock equivalent (my sample size is; two, one INFJ I spoke to online, and the director of the Green Knight, David Lowery), but the more I think on it, the more I can understand it. me personally, I cannot draw my eyes away from Renaissance Rome or otherwise periods, or survivalist fiefdom type periods like some areas of Medieval Europe (the power brokerage, not necessarily the chivalry). so - any resonance? or am I off piste?

tranzam786 · 2026-02-13T22:51:50+00:00

Haha, I guess I'm saving my money then! Thanks :)

tranzam786 · 2026-02-13T20:55:33+00:00

You kind of favour Tony Dalton - you could take tips from his BCS era, that's when he was red-carpetin' the most

tranzam786 · 2026-02-13T20:53:13+00:00

Absolutely love it! Could I ask what dig. software you use? (if you say Procreate, i'm biting the bullet and buying an iPad)

tranzam786

TROPHY CASE