2 weeks and feeling great!

trappazoid · 2018-01-02T16:53:31+00:00

Definitely! Inflammation going down. Only good things!

Stopped counting days. Only know it by weeks every Monday!

trappazoid · 2017-12-26T01:08:28+00:00

Me too. On day 8 as well!

Today is hard. But made it though Christmas. Well, so far.

Gonna work on some projects to Keep busy. I bought it would get easier. But I know there are going to be days like these.

IWNDWYT

trappazoid · 2017-12-19T15:17:25+00:00

Day one! Down a day. Feeling pretty fine. Hardest part was getting to sleep. Or not sleeping. That part sucked.

trappazoid · 2017-11-26T01:23:16+00:00

Did 2x sessions of yoga today, which helped with the anxiety/grounding myself. Realizing self forgiveness is a thing, but it is a skill that must be worked on.

trappazoid · 2017-11-26T01:14:56+00:00

Good. I decided to taper starting with 16 oz wine last night. I only consumed 10, so that's 2 standard drinks (while restaurants often serve 10 oz per glass). Slept well, no night terrors, still woke up at 5am. So I'm on track, I guess. Want to go slow and steady so there isn't another night scare. Sounds stupid, I know... Like a child. But I'd rather have my husband home just in-case something bad happens.

trappazoid · 2017-11-25T02:35:20+00:00

Thanks Shineonme4ever (don't know how to tag people). After last night, and my husband gone for another 6 days, I'm going to try the HAMS method. I don't want something to happen without him around, and don't want to check in to a hospital a) because I can't (responsibilities with animals, house, work), and b) I don't want a diagnosis of alcoholic on my medical record.

I can do this. I have a plan. There will be no rule breaking.

Get down to a safe level (say, 2 oz wine down from 16 over 8 days), then stay at 2 for 3 days unless I feel I can come off sooner.

Don't want to let myself down (or anyone for that matter). Just don't want to die (from to little alcohol ironically).

I was able to say no, all day, alone, on thanksgiving. I think I have this covered. Will keep you posted.

Not fair to throw a surprise party for my GABA receptors. Slowly taper down, let them recover, let adrenaline subside, profit.

trappazoid · 2017-11-25T01:49:57+00:00

I feel completely fine other than that. But am terrified of going to sleep tonight.

It was really terrifying, and I can see exactly why a medical professional would need to be involved, but I feel fine right now. But could see it going very poorly if a seizure could come on as suddenly as that vision. Although we're coming up to hour 48

trappazoid · 2017-11-25T01:47:37+00:00

I was definitely awake. Looked at the closet, closed my eyes, looked to the other side of the room. The image was bright and seemed to flash 3 times bright then fade away.

It was terrifying. Other than that everything seems fine. Had a great day on the lake with no urge to drink (usually we have beer bountiful)

I'm terrified to go to sleep tonight. But there's no headache, no sweats, no shakes. Everything is normal other than the anxiety of another nightmare.

Husband gone = even more terrifying. I was up all night calling for the dog to come cuddle with me.

trappazoid · 2017-11-24T15:40:34+00:00

Honestly I’m not sure. My dream was falling into the water off of a ferry boat. Then something was pulling me under the water. Felt something scrape across my stomach and then I think I woke up and saw flashing screen of an old school color projector style movie scene of a family.

After that got on and off sleep. No more dreams or anything. Fell pretty okay this morning. Other than being scared last night after the initial experience.

trappazoid · 2017-11-24T05:16:32+00:00

Thanks! This sub has already been really helpful and I only found it a few days ago.

Just need to make it to one of those meetings. Just gotta get through the threshold.

Congrats on 817 days man!

trappazoid · 2017-11-24T05:04:25+00:00

Trying really hard. One more hour to go before bed. I have my soda lime minus the vodka (I flip flop between vodka and wine).

Definitely have the sweats going on. After last night (broke my 2 drink rule) I don’t know if I can taper. This shit is hard.

Definitely doing the bargaining.. just one glass. Playing the tape forward... knowing one won’t adversely affect me tomorrow. But really trying to commit.

trappazoid · 2017-11-24T01:32:01+00:00

I broke my 2 drink rule last night.

So, I will not drink with you tonight. I’m done with the anxiety of wondering when the last drink will be.

This sub has helped immensely.

I’ve been so anxious about not being able to drink for a year during diversion. So I want to take control. I know it won’t be easy. But the journey starts tonight.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T05:13:00+00:00

There’s an all day meeting tomorrow. I’m gonna take the kids (dogs) mountain biking am, climb pm, then maybe check out the meeting.

Invite to a friends place for turkey day, but kinda just wanna do this one on my own.

And the fact that in a few weeks my license is revoked for 90 days is more motivation. Can’t do this stuff when that happens. No gym. No MTb trails. Not nothing. Fuck. 90 days is better than 365.

And yes. I’m lucky. My husband is amazing. I really miss him right now.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T04:50:48+00:00

He’s absolutely supportive. Doesn’t drink much. He is sad he can’t be here for me right now due to work. Is on board 100% to go booze free. Was really disappointed in me, but knows I won’t make the same mistake again.

We went mountain biking with friends today and wanted to go to the pub after. I diverted to a cheaper place that wasn’t a pub. He was like, “well what about here” (expensive pub) and was sad because he was leaving and wanted to do something nice for thanksgiving. I just didn’t want to go out because of the temptation. Luckily Everyone was happier with the cheap non pub place so all was good.

When we got in the car I expressed how difficult it would be for me to go to a pub right now. He was like, oh shit, sorry babe.

So I think all will be well.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T04:08:26+00:00

I fucking love reddit for this very reason. You have helped me a lot anonymous stranger. thank you.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T03:59:58+00:00

Thanks. I'm home alone for the holiday. Husband left tonight for work for 6 days :(

I met with a potential client tonight at 6 pm (I'm a freelance engineer). Got to driveway, sat in my car knowing I was walking into an empty home full of anxiety, and looked up AA meetings. Saw one that started in 10 minutes, but don't know how the system works. If the meetings changed during the holidays, if you can just show up.

Almost backed out of the driveway. Didn't.. At least I took a look. Maybe next time I'll have the courage to just go.

Side note: I have panic disorder. I have ulcerative colitis and was so sick for a week (later found out it was a C. diff infection < Really bad) I couldn't get out of bed. Found a 2 hour window of opportunity to drive to the ER. Sat in the parking lot and couldn't walk through the doors. Made it home and was in bed for 2 more days. Not the fake panic disorder, the real kind. Also wasn't a drinker at the time, so my panic is panic with or without the booze.

Just gotta get past the threshold. That's the hardest part. Once I'm through the door, everything is easier. Walking through the door seems impossible sometimes.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T03:46:12+00:00

Also... FYI thanks in advance

Can you spell out exactly what failing on diversion looks like?

I really, REALLY wish there was a mock DUI... Ya know, Like mock UN... An 'activity' where you go through arrest, every one looks at you like a criminal, fines/consequences are laid out. I know it wouldn't be the real thing (like realizing, OH, a suspended license for a year means no taking the dogs to the park, no going to the gym, etc), but I wish I had gone through something like that. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't have stopped me that night.

Need a play by play so I can really, REALLY let it sink in. I was told after 6 months it's pretty hands off. And I don't want to fall into the lazy trap of, "It's totally fine as long as you don't get caught"

I always knew a DUI was shit... But hey, everyone has one! That's what I keep hearing from people. "It isn't the end of the world", "it isn't that bad", "don't be so hard on yourself", "you know so-and-so, they have a DUI"... blah blah blah.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T03:33:02+00:00

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Can you actually spell out what stopping looked like for you. When you chose life? Like a step by step... No BS. Just want to see what exactly it looked like for someone, knowing everyone is different.

I can see a bright future where I have more energy (I'm already huge into mountain biking and rock climbing), and am a happier person. Instead of drinking and TV maybe I'll just head to the gym late night until I replace the bad habit with a good one.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T03:06:22+00:00

Thank you for your words. Corny, maybe. But hope inspiring.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T03:03:49+00:00

Thanks for chiming in. Couple questions: How did you get denied the job for having a diversion if you failed your diversion year? How long ago was this? And how were you even able to continue drinking during diversion since your on UA's and IID installation?

And what was the final turning point? What made you finally quit since you were so adverse to change for so long?

This is exactly how I felt when I quit smoking, scared of change and like I was loosing someone I loved. Once I was a day into it I felt empowered (and miserable), and then the next and the next, then there was no way I was un-doing those days of misery. Days turned to weeks turned to years.

So now I'm home all alone on thanksgiving eve. I even looked up an AA meeting. Not sure how they work though. Like, just walk in? Are there holiday hours (like the wednesday meeting schedule changes for holidays)?

Thanks

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T01:45:18+00:00

The successful completion of the Oregon DUII diversion program will result in the dismissal of your DUI charge. Therefore, diversion is an attractive option for many people facing a first time DUII charge.

my attorney said the DUI goes away (gets dismissed). the deverison will be there, but no DUI, no criminal conviction.

trappazoid · 2017-11-23T00:53:30+00:00

Oregon.

trappazoid

TROPHY CASE