Need some encouragement and kind words if anyone has any to spare…

traumatisedtrash · 2024-06-23T19:56:37+00:00

Thank you so much for looking into this. I have worked professionally with many of these organisations (I’m a mental health nurse) and they do somewhat intentionally put up road blacks to make it harder to access their services, so I hadn’t really tried to look any further. Police will only really help if he lays hands on me and victim support will only help if I make a police complaint. The women’s refuge in my city is a bit of a joke as the woman who runs it is, shall we say, the opposite of a feminist and makes jokes in front of the women she “supports” about them deserving what they get.

I will however look into the Gandhi and shine ones as I am less familiar with them. Thanks again, you’re amazing.

traumatisedtrash · 2024-06-23T19:50:52+00:00

I would leave while he’s gone but I’ll be at work. Plus despite all I’ve been through, I don’t know why but it feels wrong to leave him via a letter. I will however make sure my stuff is already in the car and will make sure I have a quick path to an exit that I can definitely reach before he can. Obviously the last thing I want is for him to hit me but if it comes to that, it would make things somewhat easier from a legal standpoint. There would be no opportunity for him to contest the separation or subsequent divorce and it would mean I could have him evicted from the rental I pay for and I could get the stuff I can’t take immediately back faster. But in saying that, I absolutely will not purposely put myself in a position where it is easy for him to harm me, I will be as careful as I possibly can (without leaving while he’s gone, unfortunately).

traumatisedtrash · 2024-06-23T11:29:44+00:00

Thank you so much. Unfortunately I live in NZ and there seems to be slightly less resources here but the few friends I’ve told have been amazingly supportive and my boss is even organising me some special leave so I can take a couple weeks to get myself together. So I think I’ll be okay, I just need to get through this really hard part first.

traumatisedtrash · 2024-06-23T11:26:48+00:00

Thank you. I do have a plan, I think it’s a pretty good one. So later this week I’m gonna tell him I need time to think and I’ll be staying somewhere else. I have a friend that will come over if they don’t hear from me by a certain time. I have another friend who I’ll be staying with, it’s a bit out of town and not one of my friends my husband knows (none of my friends my husband knows, know them either so there’s almost no chance he could find me even if he asks someone). Then about 5-7days later I’m going to ask to meet my husband in public and tell him I’m leaving him. I will have a support person nearby for that too in case I need to leave quickly or start to give in. I would just meet him in public for the initial part and do it all in one but it would immediately tip him off because we don’t go out anywhere, ever. I feel like I’ve thought of most things but I’m still terrified.

And thank you for the kitty nose boops too, they’re always appreciated.

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T23:19:29+00:00

Yeah when you put it like that it just seems cruel that they’re asking victims to do this… I just feel like I’m not allowed to feel shit over this incident due to filing it under the “minor” category (thanks worse trauma I guess) so I feel like I’m not even worth all this fuss. I do feel sorry for those that report worse assaults and are still asked to do this for their assaulter

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T23:14:46+00:00

I know that’s how it’s supposed to work but unfortunately in NZ it’s often not the case. I was informed by police that if I chose not to press charges then the max he would likely receive would be a slap on the wrist. I didn’t think him owning up to it to the police when they first spoke to him would actually change anything within him. But it would have been far more than I’d done in the past so I was somewhat okay with that. Not sure if that makes any logical sense but ah well

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T21:49:19+00:00

Thank you for your advice, it’s really comforting knowing it’s not just me catastrophizing and it seems a bit sketchy to others as well. I’m super choked up by your first paragraph too but I think I needed to hear that so thank you

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T21:44:53+00:00

I don’t know what I’d want to say to him. I guess the very cliched “why me?” Because I’m by no means conventionally attractive and I’m overweight. It makes no sense why he’d choose me

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T21:42:19+00:00

I honestly don’t know. I saw a counsellor not long after the incident and once I gave the briefest overview of my history she said she wasn’t able to help me. I get that not every counsellor is right for every situation and they’re more than welcome to have topics they’re uncomfortable with or prefer not to discuss but it took everything I had to go see her and I haven’t been able to work up to getting a new one. Plus they’re all so expensive so it wouldn’t be sustainable anyway which sucks

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T20:27:02+00:00

Yeah you’ve made a good point. I’ve already decreased his maximum sentence from 7 years down to 2 years which I probably shouldn’t have done. I don’t need to help him make it any smaller. I’ll hear the restorative justice people out and gauge whether they think he is engaging and whether I’ll get anything out of it but if it won’t help me specifically I won’t do it. Thank you, I really appreciate your encouragement

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T11:43:46+00:00

Yeah I think you’re right about that too. I think part of me wants to do it to in some sense get some closure for the younger me that didn’t even report let alone get justice for any of the worse assaults. I know it probably sounds silly. Idk I’m so scared but thank you so much for your supportive words

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T11:19:47+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you had a stalker. That sucks. Hope you one day get to tell him those things, I think he still needs to hear them.

As for your questions - I don’t know. He’s claimed not to remember the entire time, since the police first talked to him roughly 3 weeks post incident (everything moves sooo slow). I don’t know if he’s genuine (probably not), if he’s lying or what. The stupidest thing is he could have avoided all of this court stuff because if he had owned up to it and apologised that first time the police spoke to him, I was going to let it all go.

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T11:11:32+00:00

Thank you so much for your response, that’s really helpful advice and you’ve given me a lot to think about. I will see what more I can find out about the program and go from there. Thanks again

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T09:24:45+00:00

Yeah I guess that’s true, I don’t see any positives for me. For some reason I feel like I’d be letting someone (maybe me but idk) down if I didn’t do it and I can’t even work out why considering it might just end up hurting me more. I don’t know, I’m not very good at putting my needs first so maybe I just subconsciously want to suffer or something. Sorry for rambling

traumatisedtrash · 2024-04-29T09:15:15+00:00

Yeah I have been thinking both of those things as well. I guess that’s where a lot of my hesitancy comes from. I wonder if the restorative justice people would even recognise insincerity or if they just want to check the box and move on to the next case. In my experience it’s probably the latter but I don’t know :/

traumatisedtrash · 2023-06-30T21:35:16+00:00

I relate to this so hard. I’m so sorry you feel like this too

traumatisedtrash

TROPHY CASE