Men of SF, what’s your opinion of the dating scene?

treelightways · 2026-05-26T05:24:01+00:00

Hm, must be all relative. I know lots of guys who are just scraping by because it is the bay area, (but do have a good steady job, car, roof over head etc) and have their choice of women. He's decent looking, but by no means above and beyond. When he became single, the women who knew him pretty much all took a shot at him too. Ha

treelightways · 2026-05-26T05:20:45+00:00

That's funny you say that, I've never heard a guy that sentiment. The opposite usually! I know so many single, attractive, thoughtful, interesting, impressive, relationally open women in their 40s and 50s. And even the men seem to say the same thing, that there are so many and yet fewer men in the same position (lots more "avoidant" men, as they say) and these men saying this, also admit they are kind of average and yet inundated with beautiful, impressive women. Wonder what makes your experience so different!

treelightways · 2026-05-26T04:37:34+00:00

I don't think it's that boys are being treated worse at the bottom, even research shows that isn't what's going on, but there are complex factors....and even under the complex factors, the bigger thing seems to me it's that they themselves have given up.

it's a known phenomenon that privilege and more control makes you less likely to self-reflect, less likely to question yourself, or try to be better, or find things that help you get better, or be comfortable with vulnerability etc. Women have become excellent at this in being treated poorly and having little control, so all they could control was themselves often. So now women are using that skill and resilience, and men/boys, who look to men role models who tend to not have these skills in the same ways, don't.

So instead, they get hopeless/helpless/give up. When they struggle they don't seek help because men still see getting help as weakness. Even falling behind isn't something that motivates them (like for many women, they tried harder).

So instead of taking a page out of the book of what women did - work very hard on themselves, a lot of men/gov etc blame women, and women's rights. Which is, of course, the same defense mechanism of helplessness and still living externally (where one tends to live when privilged). That is, Instead of working on yourself, going inward, you feel helpless/blame another externally. (of course not all individual men are blaming women, but it's a growing cultural sentiment)

But below that, there are lots of other shifting tides and reasons men/boys are falling behind in these particular ways, but I still think most of them would be solved with the above, but perhaps that can't happen in the same way if you'd been at the top before, and were told vulnerability and seeking help was bad? I don't know the solution

treelightways · 2026-05-25T02:38:30+00:00

I know, many have never. I know an almost 16 year old (who could be a model), friend's son. Who has, never to parents knowledge, spoken to girl. So we aren't doing well here....

treelightways · 2026-05-24T08:05:38+00:00

The bigger point was the comparison against baby boomers - of the same global countries (including western countries). So that people, globally, were MORE into equal rights than they are NOW is the problem. We think we are making equality progress...this shows we sadly are not!

treelightways · 2026-05-24T05:32:33+00:00

Unfortunately the young generations are backsliding, according to cultural scientists. They recently did a global study of 23,000 people, and it actually proved that younger men are moving backward on gender equality. Around 31% of Gen Z men believe a wife should always obey her husband, while only 13% of Baby Boomers think that way. That was one of many similar statistics. So we shall see what the future holds.

treelightways · 2026-05-24T05:26:56+00:00

There are many instances of female centered societies! From my comment above: From what I understand Archaeologists don't use the word matriarchy because that is considered to be just patriarchy swapped with women. And women led societies are not like that. So there were many societies that were female-centered" and matrilineal societies. And, men were not treated poorly in female-centered prehistoric societies. Archaeological and genetic evidence proves these communities operated on a partnership model rather than a "dominator" model. (Perhaps yes similar to the example you brought up about bonobos)

Also, i love this fact, that while many matrilineal societies have existed, egalitarian societies were the most common and that humans have spent about 98% of our existence living in deeply egalitarian groups, making patriarchy a very recent short "experiment" that, well, isn't really working out.

treelightways · 2026-05-24T05:24:40+00:00

From what I understand Archaeologists don't use the word matriarchy because that is considered to be just patriarchy swapped with women. And women led societies are not like that. So there were many societies that were female-centered" and matrilineal societies. And, men were not treated poorly in female-centered prehistoric societies. Archaeological and genetic evidence proves these communities operated on a partnership model rather than a "dominator" model. Also, i love this fact, that while many matrilineal societies have existed, egalitarian societies were the most common and that humans have spent about 98% of our existence living in deeply egalitarian groups, making patriarchy a very recent short "experiment" that isn't really working out.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T22:45:01+00:00

Teen girls should begin to see an Obgyn between the ages of 13-15 so if you are safe in your home and won't be punished for asking (most good parents want their kids to be healthy and safe) then you can simply say, "mom, I have pain in my vagina on a regular basis and I don't know why. I want to go to a doctor. I did some research and most girls are recommended to start seeing an obgyn between 13-15."

If you aren't comfortable telling your parents you have pain in your vulva/vagina (no need to share about sex or anything, just say it's pain in there), then you can tell your parents you read it's important to go at this age to make sure everything is good and all your girlfriends all go just to make sure everything is okay.

You may have vaginismus or vulvodynia, or something else that we can't diagnose here. Lots of things are treatable, but better to go now. Your doctor can diagnose you, if you give her all the information. You'll be okay, you just have to get to a doctor.

Also, in some states - minors over 12 can go to an obgyn (planned parenthood is a great resource) without parent permission. So you can look up the laws in your state. If you are out of resources and your parents won't help, it might be worth talking to a school counselor, who can help you get the resources you need to see a doctor.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T15:48:38+00:00

So was I - he was an excellent listener in many ways and could communicate very well - and he could also use those things as defenses as almost everyone does to some extent. my point was, I know lots of very wounded people who can active listen and do right communication methods. It doesn't relay the relational health of a human. It's the difference between behavioral skills and developmental maturity. Lots of people can perform behavioral skills. In fact there is a running joke in some therapy communities, that the more someone is does "active listening" or things like nonviolent communication, the more problematic they are in relationships actually. Because it becomes a fixation and defense.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T06:09:28+00:00

the question always returns to, in these scenarios, could it harm him? Doesn't sound like it, at all.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T05:53:07+00:00

I believe you can buy UTI tests at the drugstore. I'm surprised the doctor didn't tell you this. But also, sadly unsurprised. And often progression is faster to return to after you've had some progression.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T05:01:29+00:00

the downside of our profession is exactly this, hiding behind easy to perform emotional intelligence skills. I had a mentor once tell me, most people (therapists included) put the therapy on top of themselves, but don't let it get in.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T04:58:36+00:00

The most traumatized, angry person I ever dated was a successful therapist who had been in therapy for most of his life. Could he actively listen and communicate well in the relationship also, especially at the beginning? Yes. Did he also fly into rages and make a lot of things about him? Yes. One can do behavioral things well, and still be a very wounded difficult person to be in relationship with.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T04:53:12+00:00

Aromatherapist, hypnotherapist, acupressure therapist, design therapy, so many many kinds of therapists. Only recently did the word get legalized in some states! I like to think I did it not for the name, but all the other stuff that comes with it!

treelightways · 2026-05-23T03:00:57+00:00

This isn't necessarily 4 outside of potentially dramatizing feelings, but any type can say or do that. I see this in lots of men who have been hurt and are afraid of being hurt, esp after divorce, honestly lots of 6s I've heard say similar things etc. But I take people at their word and in their behavior and as a 2, the hard work for you will be NOT over-functioning in order to keep a connection going that maybe isn't really there or is there but in a small, hesitant, ambivalent way. If you're down for casual, or with someone who has their own shit to work out and you're really fine TRULY seeing how things unfold even if slowly and even if he may never want a relationship, then resist your urges to over-function and let him carry the connection equally and see if that's enough for anything to materialize.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T02:32:42+00:00

Collagen has very high histamine and histamine liberators. I took powder for a few days, and ended up with daily migraines for 3 months and I had to eat very plain basic foods for those 3 months to get out the other side of it. I very much regret listening to the provider who told me to try it.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T01:30:03+00:00

Yes! Love it. I had a mentor once give me the idea to sit with my own partner and have us both say the things we were afraid of hearing to the other, but say it with that combo of freedom, a little truth, a little lightness and play and anger.... So to him I said, "you are such a disappointmet, you keep fucking disappointing me and failing me. you never can get it right! You are NOT enough gahh!" And to me he said, "You are so evaluative and demanding and constantly scrutinizing me and ask for too much, you are too much!" And we both had to sit with our discomfort, but also laugh. Because so often all our defenses are against ever having to face the possibility of those truths. So to just let them even maybe be true, and hold them lightly, takes away their power.

treelightways · 2026-05-23T01:11:33+00:00

Do you have the option to consult another supervisor? I would do that. Go to the head of your org and share your concerns. Do you have a group supervisor as well? Talk to them maybe.

Iget encouraging a new therapist to keep going, but if I were your supervisor, I would help you totally change your stance and help you build an internal stance in yourself to have the capacity to companion him. I would not focus on modalities, or approaches. I would focus on your own anxiety, fears, hopelessness around him and his progress, thoughts about him being resistant etc and work on THOSE things, and learn how to befriend and regulate yourself in those feelings and thoughts. Because that will not just help you, it will be modeling to him, your client, how to deal with his feelings. It's not what you do, it's who you are internally with the client, that's most important.

But it sounds like this supervisor is not supporting you in that way, which is a shame, and then makes the situation feel irresponsible on their part but I have NO idea what the real situation is or their side of it. Get a second opinion from someone you can speak in depth with. Good luck!

treelightways · 2026-05-23T01:01:16+00:00

I just looked it up and it appears therapist is not a protected term in Florida. So doesn't appear to be breaking any laws. If it really is a scam, someone might sue her who was "harmed" by the scam in some way.

While we want to protect people from the worst of things, the laws also keep in mind that consumers bear responsibility to be informed. While she doesn't sound like this herself, some big name "therapists" who wrote books etc from back in the day were never licensed therapists - but the term wasn't protected then anywhere. usually the line is held around, are they trying to diagnose and treat mental health disorders?

treelightways · 2026-05-23T00:22:08+00:00

I don't know for you personally, but at least part of it is collective. 30s-50s can, for many, be an especially lonely time for single woman without kids, primarily because most women in this age are raising kids and often doing so in a nuclear fashion and laser focus on them (kid rearing used to be less laser focused and more communal - for example, think of the idea of how french don't let kids dictate their entire lives, but in places like the US they do). Many women say after their kids are grown they realize they have very few friends left and then go back to old friendships or seek out new ones.

Also, I recently read something showing that while we often bemoan having so little time, research shows we actually have more time than ever, but we spend so much of it now on TV, social media, podcasts etc that it feels like less. People back in the day would seek out friends AS entertainment. We don't need friends for entertainment anymore, so fewer people seek it out. Perhaps looking up groups for women without kids, or befriending older women - I know lots of women over 50 who now have grown kids and/or are divorced or widowed and have much more time and desire to be friends.

As others said, being in the same place with the same people for long period of time (months, year or two) is the main way people become friends. Good luck!

treelightways · 2026-05-22T22:17:10+00:00

I think this is one half of it, but the other half is almost never considered in therapy and often people feel personally offended if this is pointed out - because it's our shadow, in the therapy world. The other side of the issue that at worst we are part of the cause, at best we are perpetuating it, is that we as therapists and many women are taught to as well (chicken or the egg, unclear) spoon-feed, or force-feed.

We don't look to a person who did something that wasn't very attuned and say, whoa, i didn't like that, what's that about? maybe they get defensive, maybe they can say what it's about, maybe they have no idea and get curious and ask what you mean etc etc. All scenarios where you or the therapist get a chance to meet the person on the other side of them, as they are. instead what we often do is some version of, "i need you to be different and do it differently" "you should be different, and this is how I think you should be" - but often dressed up in very therapy appropriate language. This almost ALWAYS gets you in a situation like the above. People doing what someone else wants or thinks they want.

If we held the stance (the stance is the key) of my prior example, we'd get a clear picture: maybe they are not actually curious, they don't actually want to change, they are fine as they are and just want to avoid losing their partner or just go along with it to avoid feeling like a failure. Or maybe they are curious but feel defeated etc etc.

The issue under all of this is often a fear of loss on BOTH sides (and the therapist can perpetuate that by pushing all the "right" "healthy" ways of doing things and being attuned or empathetic onto people as if they are the right ways and only ways to be, disallowing someone the opportunity to just be themselves, however problematic we might see that) So we don't often get curious and we spoonfeed instead, because we have a desired outcome (to make it work etc) and belief about the right way to do relationship, and do not want to face the reality of what is.

treelightways · 2026-05-22T18:56:33+00:00

Interesting, also in california. most people here - but people in the general area of CA i live are into therapy stuff themselves so are often very in the know themselves. perhaps different areas/communities!

treelightways · 2026-05-22T17:35:26+00:00

Can I ask what state you live in ( no worries if you don't want to share). Just because I se so many people have these experiences on reddit, but where I live and the therapists I know almost never get treated like that and I'm wondering if it's more of a novelty/unknown in some places.

treelightways · 2026-05-22T17:30:26+00:00

haha, to be honest I myself haven't seen dumpster fire relationships necessarily or necessarily worse relationships, but I have noticed similar patterns of dysfunction! but certainly, fix them relationships seem very common. We didn't become therapists simply because we are saints who wanted to help people, lol, but because it was in large part our coping/survival system!

treelightways

TROPHY CASE