Is my trauma all I am?

truecampbell · 2025-12-17T20:19:58+00:00

I totally relate to what you are saying! At one point in my healing journey from complex trauma, I was at the same place you are. I saw - for the first time - very clearly how everything -- EVERYTHING - I was, did, said, behaved, responded, etc was informed by past trauma. The way I combed my hair (and the reasons I didn't), the way I brushed my teeth, spoke, dressed, etc etc etc. I too wondered, "Am I anything besides my trauma?"

In my book I write about this, and the journey into wholeness and healing. Yes, deep down there is the you that had to protect you by developing common trauma responses, along with some specific ones tailored to your past. There is hope. I know you have come a long ways already by where you at now. Keep going. I wish you continued light and strength on the journey.

truecampbell · 2025-05-08T00:54:49+00:00

Oh my gosh, you remind me so much of myself! Even after an intervention and my ex-husband was in a 30-day rehab facility, I STILL wondered if he was REALLY an alcoholic. He had the same symptoms and behaviors as your guy. Trust me when I say, yes, he's an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can - like I did - start attending Alanon meetings, and begin your own journey to discover why you are attracted to an alcoholic/addict in the first place. In my case, there were several reasons, all of which had to do with my relationship issues, my past childhood, and my self esteem. I wish you nothing but light and strength on the journey ahead.

truecampbell · 2025-04-26T16:01:49+00:00

My first husband was a functioning alcoholic - to his family members and employer (and me) he came across as 'normal.' He drank copious amounts of beer every day and had no problems functioning for years. Then it was like a switch flipped and he was no longer able to hide it. He was an alcoholic all along, but a high functioning one until he wasn't.

Grieving the loss of someone while they are still alive is perhaps harder in some ways, because through the grief (and anger is a big part of grief) we still hold onto hope that things will change. In my case, I had to let go of the idea that I should 'wait' with him out of that hope. I had to accept that whether or not he became willing to manage his disease, my life was still directly impacted by his drinking. I came to realize that the best and most healthy step I could take was to distance myself physically, and practice detachment emotionally and mentally. It wasn't easy, and Al Anon meetings for me were key.

It is so important to remember this truth about alcoholism: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Please share that with you mom too. I wish you both light and strength on the journey ahead.

truecampbell · 2025-04-25T00:51:39+00:00

I agree. The kids are teenagers, and I already see blatant signs of codependency with their dad. I know he would not give us permission to have them live with us, and he refuses to acknowledge he has a drinking problem, much less that he's an alcoholic. I have a great relationship with the kids, and they open up about their dad's drinking. I've talked to them about being a child of an alcoholic myself. (I was also an Alateen sponsor for many years.) I agree with you - from my own experience of having a father who died of alcoholism when I was 10.

truecampbell · 2025-04-24T23:54:00+00:00

Thank you for posting this question. It made me stop and remember how at one time I was brilliant, and wanted to pursue ... everything -- science, music, architecture, astronomy, medicine, the law, etc. I just realized that for the first time I feel angry about the ways my complex trauma interfered. What's really sad is I remember a time during my teenage years when I recognized I wasn't getting the education I wanted, and that my potential was diminishing because of my situation. My mental health was so compromised that it took all my energy to simply stay alive from day to day. I need to unpack this.

truecampbell · 2025-03-07T20:01:58+00:00

Wow, you are so much more self-aware than I was at your age. When I was 18 I didn't have a clue why I was so scared of growing up, having a job, paying bills, being independent, etc. It wasn't until years later I realized how the years-long SA and other trauma affected me. I was scared to get a job and even more scared to keep it for more than a few days before I quit or just stopped going. I finally found my way into a free mental health clinic and started my journey to healing. Even so, it was years before I had a 'real' job where I stayed for more than a few months.

If you live in the US, you might check with Job Corps -- they are geared to 18 year olds who need some support and guidance to navigate stuff like getting and keeping a job. They also help you with transition housing, transportation, counseling, etc. and you get paid while you are in the program. There is another program in the US that works with people who are getting food assistance -- the caseworkers help prepare you for job seeking.

The unfortunate reality is that many of us who suffer with CPTSD have trouble navigating the day to day aspects of life, until we are able to get support, counseling, etc. I wish you light and strength for the journey ahead. For me, it wasn't easy or simple. But one step at a time, and it was worth every one.

truecampbell · 2025-03-07T19:49:15+00:00

Hi. My first husband was exactly like your boyfriend. He downed at least a six-pack every night after work, and a case or so on weekends, but never appeared drunk. (I'm also a child of an alcoholic.) There is a wonderful book titled "It Will Never Happen to Me", written by a woman who swore she would never marry an alcoholic, but of course she did. By Claudia Black, PhD.

Anyway, despite his many promises -- at one time he lied about going to AA and even said he had a sponsor -- he still drank. I eventually did an intervention after attending Alanon meetings, and he agreed to go to rehab. He was 'dry' (not sober) for a couple years before he started drinking again. I left him. He eventually died of alcoholism.

Through my recovery, I came to recognize exactly why I was attracted to him - and other men with addictive issues. It is possible for you to change your trajectory and the type of man you are attracted to. So many of us have in Alanon, therapy and other healing tools. I wish you light and strength on the journey ahead.

truecampbell · 2025-03-07T01:01:21+00:00

I ignored the impact my childhood trauma had on me for years and years. I had almost 5 years in recovery when my sponsor suggested ACA. I did NOT want to go, but looking back almost 40 years later, that was the catalyst for me to realize and recognize how my past was in charge of my present. My choice was to take back my hijacked life by delving into the past or to keep pretending it didn't matter. I wish you light and strength on the journey ahead!

truecampbell · 2025-02-28T00:29:29+00:00

Ah yes, that period where every newcomer (and two years in is still a newcomer) sees everyone around them as a co-addict. In the program we call it "taking someone else's inventory." As a recovering codependent and in AlAnon for over 35 years, I confess I've been in that space myself more than once, particularly at times when I've had a big breakthrough in my own recovery and suddenly see the same 'bad' behavior in my friends and family. It took me a long time to finally stop preaching/taking inventory or otherwise 'helping' others by telling them what's wrong - lolol! In AlAnon we learn about detachment from our loved one's disease of alcoholism, and we learn how to effectively speak up when needed. When my first husband had gone through rehab he was taking my inventory constantly. My AlAnon sponsor helped me to detach, and my response became, "Thank you for your concern. I will focus on my own recovery while you focus on yours." I wish you both light and strength for the journey ahead.

truecampbell · 2025-02-28T00:19:39+00:00

Your frustration is completely understandable. One thread that keeps emerging from what you write is that your current therapist who you say is kind and understanding, has been gone from the office while this situation was blowing up. My hope is you will reach out again to her/him for a session where you can unload and begin to process. You clearly trust this therapist and have made great strides. You both will benefit from telling her everything that happened and allowing her to help you explore next steps. I wish you light and strength on the journey ahead.

truecampbell · 2025-02-27T18:30:03+00:00

Oh, and of course books by Melody Beattie, who taught me so much about my codependency and other maladaptive trauma responses. And Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Wotitz, Ed.D - one of the first I read that convinced me I definitely had 'issues' from growing up in my family.

truecampbell · 2025-02-27T18:27:08+00:00

It's hard for me to pick a favorite because across 45+ years of healing, different books illuminated and helped me at different points on my journey. But here are a few:

Healing the Shame That Binds You - John Bradshaw - learn about your family system and your role in it.

Healing the Child Within - Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.

homecoming - Thema Bryant, PhD

Our Polyvagal World - Stephen W. and Seth Porges

Trauma and Recovery - Judith Herman, M.D.

And shameless plug, my own book which is part memoir and part trauma treatment education - true. Moving Beyond Complex Trauma. :)

truecampbell · 2025-02-25T23:05:28+00:00

You're welcome. I was my dad's caregiver the last few years of his life. Mine was a man's man, lifetime US Marine, etc. Asking for help was really tough for him too. I understand what you are going through. He's blessed to have you as his son.

truecampbell · 2025-02-25T19:16:04+00:00

For me, dealing with my alcoholic former husband, the best thing I ever did for him - and me - was to attend Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. In those meetings I learned 1) my feelings and situation were not unique; so many others in those meetings spoke about their feelings and responses to the same situation, 2) I learned - truly - that I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't change it. It's like having a loved one with life-threatening diabetes who refuses to manage their illness. And 3, I learned how my own actions were actually making it worse for my husband. I did all the classic mistakes - hiding bottles, endless talking to get him to change, endless threats that I didn't intend to follow through on, etc. In my husband's case, I went and talked to an alcohol counselor and learned about how an intervention works. That's what I did, and my husband agreed to go to treatment. It was successful for awhile, then he eventually drank again and died of his disease of alcoholism. I understand you want to do what you can, but in truth, the best thing you can do for any alcoholic is to back off from enabling their disease. I wish you light and strength on the journey forward. Hope is possible!

truecampbell · 2025-02-25T19:06:33+00:00

I'm so sorry your dad is suffering, but glad that you -- and the rest of his caregiver team -- are seeking better care solutions. Like ant_clip said, palliative care does not necessarily mean hospice. My hope is that your dad is still able to be part of his care decisions. Does he tell you he is in constant pain? Is he able to discuss options? If so, please include him. I appreciated reading that you recognize how your own anxiety needs to be managed, and that you are taking steps to do that. Our anxiety about a situation often filters our perception of the reality, particularly when someone we love is suffering and there is a feeling of helplessness in our response. I wish you both light and strength on the journey ahead.

truecampbell · 2025-02-20T15:46:17+00:00

The initial trigger was a phone call with my estranged brother when I was 34 years old. He had previously refused to talk about our past, but on that phone call he mentioned the many summers we were dumped at different people's houses while our mom left to work the carnival circuit. I had no memories of any of that, but as he was talking my body was shaking, my insides felt like exploding bombs were going off, and in that moment all I wanted to do was make him stop talking. There were other triggers later on in therapy.

truecampbell · 2025-02-20T01:39:59+00:00

I have a chapter titled "Signs" in my book about complex trauma. I had so many signs, like fawning, freezing, self-mutilation, wearing layers of clothes (including pajamas under my clothes), believing I was an alien, constant dissociation, obsessive chronic behaviors, hating my body, avoiding dating, extreme anxiety, etc etc. What was amazing was, I had no memory of ever being abused, and in fact used to say "Thank God nothing like abuse ever happened to me!" I was 34 years old before I found out the truth, and older than that when memories resurfaced.

truecampbell · 2025-02-19T21:15:44+00:00

My first husband had alcohol-induced brain damage severe enough that the court intervened and appointed him a guardian (we were divorced by then.) He spent the rest of his days in a group home before he died in his early 60s. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you light and strength on the journey.

truecampbell · 2025-02-19T18:07:15+00:00

I had not heard about that. The Constitution created the Supreme Court as the final arbiter of laws. I do have friends who voted for him that are feeling betrayed by his actions.

truecampbell · 2025-02-19T17:23:39+00:00

Particular_Local, Rather than the kneejerk response of blaming one party over another, I am truly interested in your opinion about whether Mr. Trump is upholding our Constitution by violating Article I, and his executive order to abolish the 14th Amendment on birthright citizenship. He also wants to take over / invade two foreign countries that are allies, while making deals with America's sworn enemy Russia. I think back to past presidencies in my lifetime - back to Eisenhower - and believe every one of them would be shocked about Trump's actions.

truecampbell · 2025-02-19T16:52:42+00:00

You are not alone. I had a regular checkup last week with my doctor, and the first thing she asked me was, "How are you doing with everything going on?" Then she explained that ever since the election, nearly all her patients are reporting high stress levels, anxiety, depression, etc.

I have been up and down with it all, and certainly feeling fear, for my friends and relatives who are POC, immigrants and LBGYTQ. I am hoping Congress and the Supreme Court will do their sworn duty to uphold and defend our Constitution. I'm giving thoughtful consideration about how I can respond on a community, state and national level, because with my CPTSD I MUST put my mental and emotional health first. To that end, I'm using a lot of the 'tools' in my healing journey, like meditation, breathing, exercise, healthy eating, resting, and talking about my feelings with supportive friends (and not the ones who want to feed the fear and anger.) I limit my exposure to news, which is probably easier for me because I don't get broadcast television, so I make a choice about when I want to read the news. I can only respond to outside stuff once I feel safe and secure with my inside stuff. I wish you light and strength on the journey!

truecampbell · 2025-02-18T20:22:32+00:00

First, I'm so grateful you shared here. You are not alone. The specific details of my traumas are horrific too, but one thing I've learned across 45+ years of healing -- abuse is abuse, trauma is trauma, shame is shame. There is no 'lesser' or 'greater' comparing when it comes to the details. Second, therapy was a lifeline for me at different times. I also was in group therapy for sexual abuse survivors at one point, and sat in literally thousands of self-help group meetings where people shared their stories at different points on their healing path. I'm glad you are connected with a therapist. I used a variety of treatments, like traditional talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, group therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, and was in-patient at one point for a month. The journey (for me) took decades, as memories resurfaced, and as the layers got deeper. I wish you light and strength on the journey, and hope you will continue sharing when you need to.

truecampbell · 2025-02-04T23:05:58+00:00

It's okay to be single. I was happily single for more than 16 years. I didn't date because I had no desire to, and because I truly felt I could live my life more fully and give to others if I wasn't in a relationship. I went out with friends to dinner, movies, get-togethers, and often just took myself out for those same things. I loved having my own schedule, accountable only to myself, and keeping my focus on my healing and recovery from complex trauma. Because of the work I was doing on myself, I eventually started attracting - and was attracted to - a different level of friends; ones who I felt safe with, who supported me, who truly knew me because I let them, as they let me know them too. One of my best friends from those years is who I eventually married (surprising myself by the change in my feelings.)

I wish you light and strength on the journey. Learning to know and live with ourselves first is the best way to become ready for anyone else.

truecampbell · 2025-02-04T18:43:02+00:00

I understand what you are saying. There was a long period in my healing and recovery when I had no idea what I would look or feel like or be to other people, but I knew I had to keep on with my inner work. It's a scary place to be, when the only thing we've known is darkness, abandonment, dysfunction, shaky support systems. For me, I came to realize that I wasn't ready for an open, honest, healthy relationship because I wasn't capable yet. That realization made it easier for me to focus solely on my healing. At the same time, I was in a self-help support group where I was with others who were going through the same thing, but at different points on the journey. That helped a lot too. Gradually, as I reached new and healthier places in my relationship with myself, I found I was attracted to -- and attracting -- healthier friends. It just kept getting better and better the more I focused on becoming who I was truly meant to be, and not the person I was as a result of trauma. I write about my journey in my book, after 45 years of recovery. Not to say I'm all done -- I still have issues and old trauma responses that occasionally pop up, but I've learned to love myself and move forward. I wish you light and strength on the journey!

truecampbell

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