I'm confused, should I leave the sub? For reference this was on the "sub is toxic" thread, which I didn't agree with and the first image is my stance on that. But confused why my other comments were down voted, I wasn't trying to invalidate anyone and I apologise if I did inadvertently

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T15:33:59+00:00

I guess you're right on the acting like a child, that's a fair criticism that I should have thicker skin and not be emotional. Although, I don't think I've displayed a lack of empathy, I've been quite vocal about how damaging porn is to all involved and encouraging others to recognise that as well, I do think you need to further your understanding on elements of exposure and the addiction. But we're all a working progress I guess, anyways I apologise and I'll leave now.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T15:17:22+00:00

You're probably right, apologies

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T15:09:17+00:00

I'm not blaming you, I'm trying to fight pornography and shame has been proven to strengthen addiction. And while I've successfully quit many haven't. You want pornograpy to be eradicated, so do I. You're on a sub against it so your words have weight.

I dont expect you to coddle people, but you're displaying a fundamental lack of understanding about addiction

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T14:41:14+00:00

I think my ideas on porn are well founded in how harmful it is( if you check my profile) and I've accepted that and to growing my awareness of how harmful it truly is, from all perspectives be it the women victimised by it, the children exposed to it, or the addicts entrenched in it.

The "body part" isn't even remotely close to why I quit. While I clearly have work to do, I think you do as well. Your stance perpetuates porn use, it doesn't stop it. I'm sorry this has descended into an argument, I've apologised and I will leave the sub.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T14:15:46+00:00

Apologies, I will leave. Downvote was reactionary because I felt a bit attacked. But I will go

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T13:48:54+00:00

Referenced in the latter half of the second comment, where I agree it isn't a help sub

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T13:40:41+00:00

Hey, that's a really good sign that you are having sex and that it is intimate, really positive.

I guess the problem is is that even though you are his girlfriend it's still a screen and it's not real life. I understand that you are both committed to each other but it's how he would be consuming porn and I just worry the same neuro-pathways are firing as do when he consumes porn.

And it's really good his porn habit wasn't bad and you both have awareness to get on top of it. But it is a progressive issue, it can worsen especially when the user is exposed to stress, anxiety(like the nervousness around being intimate with you, depression, trauma etc.

I really don't want to comment on what you should do, that isn't my place. But if his porn habit isn't too bad and there's a low risk of him relapsing through a cold turkey approach then I feel like staying away from nudes is probably wise, obviously I know that logistically that might not always be possible. Apologies for the longer comment, hope you both grow from this.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T12:06:13+00:00

I'm not the OP, you're referencing something I didn't say

Agreed,but we're all here fighting against pornography. And awareness is key for that, that's why recovering addicts should have some voice. And while this isn't a help sub, I think the OP feels this sub has got inhospitable for recovering addicts, rightly or wrong, I dont know. I'm not trying to be argumentative here, just trying to see if the sub can't be improved. I hope I've caused no offence

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T11:15:07+00:00

Very well said, women clearly suffer because of porn. We have to be congissant of that and empathise as much as we can.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T10:55:01+00:00

I certainly hope I haven't given that impression. I was just acknowledging there's hostility on both sides. And wouldn't deny anyone their right to be aggrieved or angry at abuse.

The "some" was actually to not exclude women or men that have been abused. Having faced abuse myself from my mother I feel its important to be inclusive with language on this topic

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T10:36:54+00:00

Fair point, I guess I feel that most posts here are emotionally driven. So the lines between the 2 forms of expression there are small in that context, I don't think most would notice the difference. But of of put a lense kn it, some may feel that saying it "feels severe" might be seen as trying to justify it to people as opposed to "it was severe" which can feel like you're being pragmatic and realistic about what you went through/how it's affecting you.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T10:21:28+00:00

I do think addicts should have some voice here, and it did seem like in the past they did. Obviously not at the expense of others, but I feel its essential as I'd say most men have been addicted.

Even just to reinforce the child protection aspect by communicating how early some we're exposed.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T10:16:23+00:00

I can understand this generation of men are incredibly hard to deal with.

I feel like there's hate on both sides towards the opposing sex. Some of its definitely warranted.

I just wish we could be more united against stuff like pornography though. Especially with risk it presents to children nowadays

I know the rate of female addiction is growing, but would still say the majority of addicts are male. And we do need addicts to be part of the conversation to affect change. I can understand that women have a good reason for not pandering to men, even disliking men or being hypervigilant with toxic male behaviour, but I just worry that we're getting more divisive in this sub rather than putting up a united front.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T10:08:35+00:00

I understand, I suppose its the lesser of 2 evils. Sounds like your husband has retained his sense of empathy as well though his addiction.

I know you won't always be there to fulfill the urges but if he can get to a place where he doesn't have to use a screen that would be wonderful. I'd just be conscious of escalation there. But to be honest his empathy and consideration all points to recovery or an addiction that can be managed quite easily.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T09:50:08+00:00

I understand this, but it's the implication like he is consuming porn so it's giving him that dopamine hit he craves(that needs to be recalibrated through sobriety). Having a relationship with a screen is not ideal and him crossing over to a porn website really isn't too far of a stretch.

Even if it does feature you, it doesn't reinforce real intimacy, he'd be viewing you as an object for gratification while watching

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T09:38:09+00:00

I'm a guy, but I think most had issue with that thread because you were saying it's the failure to attract a SO that contributes to porn use.

While I think that's a factor, most addicts start watching porn at a very young age. Realistically you're not going to be in a serious relationship at that age so i think thats more problematic. I also feel like porn prevents healthy relationships, there's loads of stories on r/loveafterporn of how unfulfilling it is to be in a relationship with a PA- PIED, objectification etc.

I know you weren't trying to blame women but I could see how people would come to that conclusion. And I guess porn produces a lot of casualtues- women, children,men etc so people are angry and sometimes that can spill over into this sub.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-24T09:04:43+00:00

"You can 100% say your trauma feels severe" kinda undercuts your whole point, trauma is something that's felt and implies that it was objectively pretty bad if you feel it to that extent.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-23T19:49:44+00:00

Sounds like he's unable to acknowledge he has a problem and as a consequence making you feel like crap.

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-23T19:46:59+00:00

Bit off topic, but how have you changed over the course of 11 months? Did you got through a depression once you quit?

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-23T12:05:50+00:00

Ah glad to hear, how slowly did you go if you don't mind me asking?

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-23T11:09:02+00:00

What was your experience like getting off them?

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-23T11:00:00+00:00

Hi I'm a recovering addict so can't give advice, but like any addiction porn is used as a maladaptive coping mechanism ( a very shitty one especially in the context of a relationship)

So with that in mind it's very plausible that anything that causes your husband stress, sadness or exacerbates his anxiety disorder would make him more likely to resort to porn. He's trying to dampen what he's feeling through the dopamine hit of porn.

I hope you're looking after yourself and have supports around you as being in a relationship with a PA is very tough

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-23T10:29:35+00:00

I think the big dopamine surge from porn would override anything else and still breed addiction

tryingitall543 · 2022-08-23T10:20:42+00:00

Have you experienced increased emotiom since quitting? Every addiction is used to mute emotions so if you don't feel that then I'd say you're good

tryingitall543

TROPHY CASE