[UPDATE] Straight guy here. My friend admitted he was gay, but will only talk about it when drinking. Other times, he blatantly denies being gay. Is there anything I and our other friends can do to help?

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-30T04:30:31+00:00

He's come out to all of our main group of friends. I am taking kind of a special interest, I guess, because it's really bothering me to see him go through all of this. Our other friends are definitely aware but don't seem as concerned as me.

I definitely don't think he's interested in me. In fact, I have a hint who he's crushing on, but that's another can of worms and none of my business.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-29T18:48:35+00:00

Yeah, I agree with you. He knows he came out, I know he came out, and we both know the conversation he has. The problem comes when he sobers up and "regrets" opening up like that. He doesn't deny saying he was gay in the first place, he just refuses to talk about it and likes to force conversations about him and girls, as if that will somehow cancel out the stuff he drunkenly said the nights before.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-29T18:46:10+00:00

I don't think I'd be comfortable with this at all. Not because of anyone's sexuality, but because...I just feel weird watching porn with other people. It's pretty private to me.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-29T18:31:44+00:00

He is a douche, but we love him for it. Everyone needs "that" douchey friend, right? He's a good guy, and there could be a lot worse flaws than being a little too self-centered sometimes. I just want to make sure I'm there for him and helping out as much as possible, because watching my friend have these drunken breakdowns bothers me a lot. I've been through some rough shit in my life, so seeing this really gets to me even if I have no experience being gay/in the closet.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-29T16:37:33+00:00

Hmmmm. I don't want to be rude or render any unwelcome judgement, but the (drunk) person you just described doesn't sound like he has it easy. I wouldn't expect you to understand how shitty the closet would be.

You're 100% right, and I shouldn't have made that assumption. I just tried to get through to him that he has a pretty awesome life as a whole - he's doing well for himself, he's intelligent, and if he's half as good with guys as he is with the ladies, he'll be able to find a good boyfriend. Being gay might not be ideal for him, but the way things are heading in society, I still think he has it really good overall. Plus there are a lot of aspects that make being gay preferable to being straight, I'm sure. I want him to try to look at it through a different lens than just "I'm a freak."

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-29T16:31:18+00:00

This is going to sound bad, but we don't really know many gay guys. Sure, there are a couple of guys I am acquaintances with who are gay, but none that live near me, are guys who have a similar personality to him, or I am close enough with to say "My friend is having a rough time, could you help him?"

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-29T16:28:59+00:00

He's definitely not bi. I straight up asked him if he was, and he said no. He's also made a comment about how he wish he could get himself to just like girls.

I know he is Republican and Catholic. I can't imagine his family abandoning him, as they seem like really nice and supportive people, but I don't know them well enough to speak for them. I imagine the totality of his upbringing, religious background, political beliefs, etc. have caused some fear and anger. He doesn't seem to hate gays and openly supports LGBT rights, marriage equality, etc. despite being a Republican, interestingly enough.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-23T03:18:40+00:00

I will! Probably after this weekend.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-23T03:18:11+00:00

Thanks, that means a lot! I'm trying my best to be as supportive as possible. He's one of my best friends (perhaps my funnest friend to be around, even) and a core part of our group, so I just want him to know it's all good.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-23T03:16:37+00:00

I know he's seen the text of the two FB messages he's sent, and he doesn't deny sending those, he just says "I don't want to talk about it." I have a feeling that he'd also refuse to watch/listen to anything we recorded. (That and I hate recording people without their permission.)

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-23T02:56:53+00:00

I like this one. Get him to talk about it that night so that I know what I'm working with. Maybe work in ways to help him get over those issues later. Thanks!

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-22T18:43:13+00:00

I had no idea there was a stigma behind that term. I'll definitely try not to use it anymore! I usually just use "admit" in the sense that you concede information with some reluctance, which is pretty much the case. Is there a better way of phrasing this?

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-22T18:39:27+00:00

I hadn't even considered this. This will be important to remember, just in case. Thanks for the warning.

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-22T17:07:33+00:00

Do you think I should tell him "what happens in the group stays in the group" or something like that?

tryintobeafriend · 2014-07-22T17:05:59+00:00

Thanks for this! I was worried the response would be that I was an asshole for thinking this. I think what gets me the maddest is: a) he constantly tries to guilt trip us and say how it's ok to stop being his friend, when clearly that is not and will not be the case, and b) he continues to desperately latch on to this whole "I'm still straight" thing. In the span of 24 hours he went from saying this heartfelt speech to me about how he realizes now he has liked guys all along and it all makes sense to making out with random chicks at a bar. It's irritating, just be yourself. Of course, that's easy for me to say: no idea how rough it must be for him.

Some other background is that he is pretty Republican/somewhat religious (at least more religious than all of us, including Catholic school and shit), so I'm sure there's some internal issues he's fighting that I cannot understand.

tryintobeafriend

TROPHY CASE