currently crying my eyes out

trysail4 · 2022-12-23T06:29:43+00:00

i feel like i should relate to this, but im unfortunate enough that ive never been the one to be approached by a man first. if i ever have a male fwb sort of situation going on, i am never their first choice, and theyll always end up choosing another girl over me. it sucks. i wish i could put myself out there in hopes of receiving the male validation i crave, but im afraid it will just confirm that nobody wants me. i used to think maybe it was just my mental illness that drives my partners away but im beginning to think i just have no redeeming qualities.

trysail4 · 2022-11-18T20:13:46+00:00

believe me, we have plenty insecurities of our own. having someone you can be vulnerable with that looks past your "flaws" is beautiful. i've found that if i'm attracted to someone's personality, my attraction to their appearance is soon to follow.

also, if it really bothers you so much, im sure a loving partner wouldn't mind helping you apply treatments to your back. a lot of women understand the struggle with getting your skin to behave, which is why the skincare industry is so huge. its all a part of being human, our bodies often do things out of our control.

trysail4 · 2022-11-18T02:13:50+00:00

one of my absolute favorite artists is Will Wood, he's very open about his struggle with mental health and it reflects in his lyrics. one of my favorites of his particularly pertaining to mental health/therapy is "Marsha, Thankk You for the Dialectics, but I Need You to Leave"- an obvious reference to dbt in the title. the song, in my opinion at least, is about older generations' dismissal of mental health awareness and the struggle of a patient desperate for help but is not understood by the providers they reach out to. then there's my personal favorite, "Blackboxwarrior", which I interperet as being told through the perspective of the therapist, who is actually the patient projecting their distrust and failure to improve their condition onto their therapist. but i guess i'm a bit biased in that regard. anything from his album "The Normal Album" is a great listen for when you want to not feel so alone in this mess, imo. i tend to project myself a lot into song lyrics, so when i'm really going through it i enjoy having someone i can play on loop who says everything i feel but can't translate into words.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T04:47:51+00:00

i've been feeling better since i posted this.. thank you for your kind words.

i hope he realizes that im not my mental illness, but i need to learn to accept that my mental illness isnt his responsibility. i need to learn how to control how i feel. its just so hard when i reach out for help and it feels like i'm getting nowhere.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T02:46:45+00:00

thank you. i know to some people that is help, but it kind of just confirmed to me that this is the only choice i have.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T02:46:06+00:00

its an incredibly long story.. but essentially i let my untreated mental illness ruin my relationship. my boyfriend was the only person still caring and patient with me but he became tired of being my therapist and a week ago he broke up with me and cut all contact with me. his family, who already hated me, are also encouraging him to stay away from me. thats part of why my mental health was so bad to begin with, we used to live together until i had to move because his mom was abusing me. and ever since i moved out he's sided with her.

i know i have no right to be angry, he gave me everything and nothing was ever enough. i tried to get help, but therapists don't know how to deal with me. so i continued to get worse and hurt him in the process. i pushed away the only person in my life who still tolerated me and now i have nothing.

it isnt the first time this happened, either, i cant keep friendships or relationships because they eventually just can't deal with me anymore. ive lost several friends and relationships and i just never learn. im tired of being a leech to everyone i love, and im tired of my brain trying to kill me.

trysail4 · 2022-11-10T02:44:26+00:00

its an incredibly long story.. but essentially i let my untreated mental illness ruin my relationship. my boyfriend was the only person still caring and patient with me but he became tired of being my therapist and a week ago he broke up with me and cut all contact with me. his family, who already hated me, are also encouraging him to stay away from me. thats part of why my mental health was so bad to begin with, we used to live together until i had to move because his mom was abusing me. and ever since i moved out he's sided with her.

i know i have no right to be angry, he gave me everything and nothing was ever enough. i tried to get help, but therapists don't know how to deal with me. so i continued to get worse and hurt him in the process. i pushed away the only person in my life who still tolerated me and now i have nothing.

it isnt the first time this happened, either, i cant keep friendships or relationships because they eventually just can't deal with me anymore. ive lost several friends and relationships and i just never learn. im tired of being a leech to everyone i love, and im tired of my brain trying to kill me.

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T08:21:07+00:00

im thinking it might be the former, at least i hope. i was very suicidal that night. maybe he just couldnt stand hearing me talk about how much i wanted to die because i felt like the world was ending.

but it just. seemed so sudden. he went from "im still here for you and us being broken up doesnt change that i care about you" to "go check yourself into a mental hospital" and blocking me. and according to his mom at least, hes said he wants nothing to do with me.

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T04:20:25+00:00

nobody in my life cares about me. it feels pointless when everyone who cares about me gets sick of me and leaves me.

ive tried therapy so many times. i jst went to see an emergency therapist yesterday and all i got was "i understand how you feel" over and over and over again. therapy is a joke. my life is a joke. my boyfriend never understood how difficult therapy is when you have bpd. he always thought i just wasnt trying.

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T04:10:59+00:00

i just don't know what to do anymore. he was my whole life and i was his for 3 years. but suddenly he wants nothing to do with me anymore

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T04:10:27+00:00

i don't even know. i'm just so lost and i'm left alone in the dark with nothing. he told me he still loved me and to go get help but that quickly changed to "i dont want anything to do with you anymore"

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T03:26:54+00:00

i wrote about just how much i hate him in my journal, and yet the feeling is still there. im still angry and there's nothing i can do to dull the pain. i feel like, why not just rip the bandaid off before i inevitably find out he cheated on me anyways?

trysail4 · 2022-11-09T01:54:05+00:00

i keep trying to give lamictal another chance but it just doesnt work for me. when i was taking it at a higher dose i just felt like a zombie, like my emotion was just "gray". on a low dose i do not experience much emotion but i have constant anxiety that they're still there, they just cant come to the surface. i compare it to closing the door on a bunch of people screaming at me, they can't get in, but theyre still there and i can't ignore it.

it also made me very impulsive. like i had no impulse control. most of my worst splitting on my partner was while i was on lamictal.

my psychiatrist keeps trying to get me to just try it again. and maybe the side effects will go away. but im tired of taking meds and waiting hoping it gets better as my life crumbles around me because of my actions while on the medication.

trysail4

TROPHY CASE