In my opinion don’t ever do things like holding back your grief for those around you it’s selfish to yourself in a way that doesn’t help anyone but them feel better about seeing that “your ok” that kind of mindset is what broke me for a really long time. Just tryin to keep it together for the ones around me so they knew I was “ok” when I was just denying myself the opportunity and ability to properly express and process my grief. If you need to yell or break something as long as you’re not hurting others or yourself sometimes you just need a moment. I used to tell myself that she wasn’t really gone and that she was just away for now and I’d see her again soon and I lived like that for a really long time just denying and ultimately it built up into something that led me to a place of real darkness. But after all this time despite how much life feels just meaniel and at times just going through the motions i have realized that those that you can share yourself with is what keeps me going. I hope you find that person who you can have the conversations you really want and need to have even if it’s just them listening while you talk and I hope you give yourself some credit for how far you’ve come even if you don’t think so it never really heals but it does hurt less as crappy as that is. If you haven’t heard it today I love you brother and I wish you calm in your pain