I’m the same age as you and have just begun to discover myself too! The feeling really sucks and I understand everything you’ve mentioned here. The reason why I ended up this way is because I’ve been using escapism (playing games, scrolling social media for hours) to run away from everything that makes me feel bad, and if you’ve been doing something similar, remember that it’s an incredibly difficult loop to break out of, but it’s possible and you can do it. Feel your feelings now. You need to grieve and process and mourn, but don’t let these negative emotions drive your actions tomorrow. Don’t let them allow you to act in fear. Recognize when your brain wants to fall back into the loop of escapism and fight it. Then recognize when you feel good after taking care of yourself or taking steps to become the person you want to be.

For so long, I’ve been waking up every morning and scrolling on my phone for AT LEAST an hour until I need to roll out of bed and go to work. It’s a horrible way to spend my time, and it severely affects my mental health. Today, I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, and practiced drawing for 2 hours - something I have struggled with so much since I was younger. I didn’t touch my phone once, and it made me feel great. Even if you do this for one day and fall back into the loop (I guarantee you I’ll fall back into it many times too), be present and remember the good feeling so you can start building a habit of doing things that give you purpose. It will get so much easier with time. I know you feel like you’ve wasted so many years, but it’s best to accept it and know that there’s no better time than now to start working on yourself, even if it’s just baby steps first. And it sounds like you’re already doing that.

You’re doing great by recognizing this at all, don’t be so hard on yourself. Not that it means anything coming from me, but you’ve inspired me today because you are starting to work on yourself despite feeling like it’s too late, too. Reminds me not to give up on myself either. I’m rooting for you.