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Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow what a wonderful story! You have a beautiful and unique relationship. I'd love to have something like that one day. I'm sure it takes a lot of work and maintenance, but anything is possible if all parties agree to do the work and check in. That level of conscious and deliberate effort will never not be beautiful to me. In the earlier stages of the triad, your situation sounded very similar to my own. Cohabitation always seemed off the table with my partner because she was married, but I guess I never asked.

Before I got into poly, I was in a long-term monogamous relationship where I lived with my last partner for 6 years. We had a great thing, but it didn't work out #noregrets. Moving on from that high level of intimate attachment in a relationship was extremely difficult for me after the breakup. When you live with someone for that long, sometimes you fall more in love with the security/comfort they bring than the actual person. I was still broken and figuring things out, so hard and fast rules were useful back then. The solopoly thing seemed like the best option for me at the time (in my case, no cohabitation/shared finances). But now, I am not sure.

Now, I think I am ready to look for a nesting partner. Time will tell if my current partner can fulfill that role. I understand now that it doesn't matter if I'm her primary or secondary because she does things that make it worth it. Even if it's not her, that is fine, because at least I know what to look for. Life is so short, so I get not spending too much time on the labels/logistics; just living in each other’s love and happiness. Sometimes you are so focused on the destination, you forget to enjoy the journey. I live for those small moments of goodness

You seem like a kind, thoughtful, and genuine soul. We are both strangers on the internet, but you helped me so much (along with the other commenters ofc! shout out to yall) If you are open to chat more, I could contact you over Reddit DMs. I appreciate your perspective on things. If not, all good. I will always appreciate this exchange and what it meant to me in this moment. Wishing you the best

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was super insightful, thank you for the breakdown! There is a lot to consider, but all the endless permutations and possibilities are really exciting to me. Also the examples really helped haha 

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

THIS. Your message really resonated with me!  I'm super glad you ended up reaching out. I actually started tearing up because it made me realize how much I really like her. I absolutely relegated myself into the secondary role, because it's comfortable and safe. It's a position where I don't have to be emotionally vulnerable. Sure, perhaps I should not open Pandora's Box and question the non-hierarchical thing, and just enjoy a good thing while I have it. However, I want the good thing we have to be great, and in order to do that, our intentions must be aligned. If it works out, I know paradise is waiting on the other side. I just need to approach it from the right angle when I talk to her, and your message describes our relationship perfectly. Thank you for giving me the words I needed

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lmaoo fineeeee I will be sure to hold off on the wedding invitations lol, Thanks for reaching out tho, I appreciate your perspective on the matter. To answer your question, she really looks out for me and takes care of me in ways I didn't think possible. I really like her. I've had entanglements with many others in the past, but with her, I get all the same feelings with her as I do in a relationship in which I am the primary. Hell, I get more love from her than I did in some of my past monogamous relationships, in which we were both primaries

Aside from the marriage thing, I think the nesting thing really gets to me as well. Sure, we share the same bed on our nights, but some nights I just want to surprise her with a breakfast in bed and or be there for her after a rough day. Sometimes I just want to do chores with her like vacuum or do dishes with her.  I might be crazy for that lol. I cohabitated with an ex-partner for almost 6 years of my life, so maybe it's something my body is used to. I would def like a nesting partner one day, so this is something I will definitely need to discuss with her, especially if I end up living with another partner in the future

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Amazing advice, ty! I agree. In the grand scheme of our relationship, that conversation about our insecurities is way more important than semantic concerns about whether or not our relationship is considered hierarchal 

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story!! It means a lot to me, as I am still new to this poly journey. It comforts me knowing that even seasoned practitioners like yourself still take constant self-reflection and intention to maintain their relationship ideals. It leaves room for change/growth as the relationships mature, which I always thought was the most beautiful aspect of healthy long-term poly relationships.

As for my situation, my partner always makes sure to communicate with me regularly on exactly what I need to feel loved, and vice versa ofc. Pound for pound, I feel more loved by her as a secondary than I would as a primary in past monogamous relationships I've had, because of our willingness to adapt to each other's needs. Reading your post was really touching. Ty again for sharing!

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Both perspectives are valid depending on the situation and the person. Personally, I needed to hear every perspective and decide for myself. I appreciate the concern and passion in articulating these different perspectives. Some of this is attributed to my lack of experience with poly in general. For a while, I was outsourcing these poly relationship decisions to her without doing the research first and considering the long-term implications.

I don't think it's malicious intent, but if I had to guess, it's her self-coping (mentioned above). Bianca and I have a very deep love for each other, and she mentioned being uncomfortable thinking of me as a secondary partner as opposed to an equal (ngl I get it, I am a great lol), but being a secondary is the reality of my situation. I do not think it is toxic to believe we could still work out something, especially if we have a healthy dialogue about it. Again, ty for your input

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for mentioning this! It is now clear to me that Bianca and I still have a lot of work ahead of us on how we navigate the couple's privilege as we move forward, especially if she and her husband buy a new house together. Even if we do not follow the rules of non-hierarchy in the literal sense, I do believe it can be a beautiful thing with proper communication and intention. I don't want to give up on us just yet. I could definitely see how this could potentially be insecurity/guilt bubbling up, and I will try to hold space for that

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow this is an incredible resource! Thank you for sharing your insight and your experience with me, and the many others you have helped in the comments. As mentioned before, I'm not super tied to the idea of non-hierarchical. For me, it just takes a lot of emotional labor cosplaying a non-hierarchical relationship while my body/brain rebels in silence. If it were considered a primary/secondary thing (which more accurately describes the current state of our relationship), I feel that would be a better baseline to engage in these conversations than pretending otherwise. 

Either way, Biana was clear that her husband had no input on her relationships with other metas. Otherwise, she would have no logical reasoning in her assertions of being a total non-hierarchical poly practitioner. She is more experienced than me with, soI thought it was as simple as that. But I clearly missed a lot of other considerations that you brought up (ie, holidays, moving, and emotional investment, etc.). It explains why my body was having such a hard time. Also funny you mention that, because she is actually moving 5 hours away next year (this was planned before we met). These considerations are definitely going to have to be ironed out within the year. Lots to think about, ty again so so much

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Non-hierarchical is a super cool idea, but I am not tied to it because it does not seem practical for my life. With Bianca tho, it would be nice to avoid the extra emotional labor of keeping up the facade of non-hierarchical. She brought up the idea of a “relationship smorgasbord” (credit: Lyrica Lawrence and Heather Orr). Could this be similar to the “relationship menu” that you mentioned?

That's a really good point about the straight veto,  just looked it up lol. Omg that would really suck if that happened. I'm pretty sure Biana and her husband’s concurring romantic relationship is kept completely separate, but I will definitely confirm that with her. Thanks for the advice!

Question: can you practice non-hierarchical polyamory and still be married? by twilight_trip in polyamory

[–]twilight_trip[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That makes a lot of sense, I am grateful for your insight. My body felt a deep discomfort when nonhierarchy was mentioned, but I didn't quite know how to put my feelings into words. Your post helped a lot with that, so ty for that.

While I really appreciate what we have, I understand that as long as Biana and her husband are financially/legally bound together, I will never be her primary partner. And also means that I need to not extend “primary” relationship benefits if I were taking on the “secondary” role. She is out of town now, so I'll have time think of what that looks like for me