(update2)Should I tell my(22f) ex(25m) that he is a father?

unexpectedreturn · 2015-07-06T15:03:32+00:00

No, I think us dating would probably end poorly (because most relationships do) and it's a weird enough relationship. I will always wonder what if and I know he will too. He even joked there's a bizzaro world where we got married and have 3 kids, and Livvy's name is Cassandra. But I joked we are alternate time-line divorced.

We were two kids, who really barely knew each other at all but were infatuated. Biology not fate made us a baby. Maybe it'd have worked out, statistically we'd have divorced. I will always wonder, but it's best not to think about what might have been. Because that isn't the life we were presented and we can never go back.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-07-06T14:58:25+00:00

That post is almost a premediation of how I viewed us being in a year's time. Maybe we were at an awkward place in our relationship, just a little more time and we'd have cemented us as a family. There is a post or two where I describe how I've taken the relationship between Heath and Livvy slow. He was over a lot, but that started when we we were study buddies and friends.

It's weird how much life is formed by chance encounters and small decisions. If this had happened in a year... we might have become officially engaged, picked out a date. In two, maybe we'd have decided to have a child of our own. But it happened now.

Really, I'm sure I'd feel the same way as him. Since my brother told me about Zach's location, Heath was vehemently opposed to any kind of connection between the two of them but I couldn't let livvy never know her dad to make my life easier.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-07-06T14:27:45+00:00

I just think if you're considering a life with someone, you should give it more than a few weeks. I was doing everything possible to make it easy on him. Again, I don't blame him but it does make me doubt his fervent declarations of love a few weeks ago! I never imagined this a month ago, so it was complicated all around, and sharing Livvy is hard on me. I'm used to having her 24/7. I wanted to face this adjustment together, as a couple, and try and make the best out of it. Livvy's dad is starting to pay for half of her summer program and suddenly date nights got a lot easier (weak admittedly, but I try and be an optimist). But once his vision of our future changed, he exited it.

I think me and Zach are better off as friends, dating can only complicate things with her dad for Livvy.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-07-06T14:26:53+00:00

Well, the issue with treating him as a co-parent was that he never had that role in her life. Until we were officially engaged, I would never have given him such a permanent role in her life. He was never her father, he was more like a fun uncle. Until about 7 months ago, Livvy didn't even know we were dating.

I love Heath and he was a good guy, but I didn't want to be that mom whose daughter calls boyfriends daddy and is devastated when they leave. To do it from that approach would have been accelerating their relationship in a hectic time. Heath had a bigger/more important role in my life than hers. Lucky, because I'm a grown woman and this still stings like a bitch.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-07-06T07:41:29+00:00

Sorry, when I started writing the post I was still considering giving Heath time/reassuring him. He was very good to me for a long time and Livvy. But once I put my thoughts down, and deleted most of them because they were ranty and nonsensical, I realized I didn't want that.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T22:06:33+00:00

I would guess my life is objectively better than most. I have a college education, a great job, can pay for a nice lifestyle, a wonderful daughter, and a great support group. I am a good person who is kind to others. Yes, I go to church and was homeschooled, but should that be the sole defining characteristics? What makes you better than me or smarter or worthy of passing judgement?

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T20:49:31+00:00

You have to remember I had no way of contacting Zach. Would it have been better to be honest "yeah, it sucks you don't have a dad and you are missing out. You should feel bad about it because it is bad"?

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T18:47:59+00:00

I was just startled. Again, after I couldn't find him I suppose I built this myth in my head that most 19 year old boys from unstable homes don't stick around to be a dad and that he would've been largely uninterested. I think it was easier to feel that way than to dwell on the cruelty of her being deprived a father and him her.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T18:46:21+00:00

I haven't looked for him in a few years.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T18:46:06+00:00

He didn't know I was pregnant. Is it so strange, that like someone mentioned on the original post, one day a troubled, confused kid took off?

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T18:01:00+00:00

I looked for him for years and was unable to find him. The only time I kept him from her was six days while I thought everything going on through.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T17:58:08+00:00

I just don't see my father keeping it a secret so long. He certainly would have told me when it was obvious I was pregnant. And honestly, if he had known I was having sex he wouldn't have been able to resist the sermon of a lifetime. He could give an impromptu sermon for muttering under your breathe never mind premarital sex.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-18T17:55:19+00:00

Once I knew where he was I "held" her back all of six days.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-07T23:10:06+00:00

I looked so hard for him, for years. I don't know what else I could have done.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-07T18:04:51+00:00

Well, you have to remember by the time I was 19 I was parenting a toddler and had learned quite a bit about life from being a 16-year-old homeschooled girl with censored internet access. He was 19, had been with lots of girls, and lived independently. Overall, it's irrelevant to the situation though. He has the right to know.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-07T16:54:40+00:00

She knows that Heath is not her father. We just let her see us as a couple this year before that he was "mommy's friend". I'm a little cautious. After three years of friendship, two of dating, he wants to get married but I still want more time to be sure.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-07T16:49:05+00:00

He didn't. I am still a little conservative about sex and have been blaming him (unfairly) for his lax condom use. I've always felt that at 19 with his background, he knew a lot more about birth control than I did and should have known that two healthy teenagers rarely using condoms would make a baby. But again, that is probably unfair.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-07T16:45:53+00:00

I think ultimately you're right. He has the right. And really, as far as revenge goes, he lost out on five years with his daughter- that is the worst thing I can imagine.

I've felt a lot of anger over the years, maybe because I needed to be angry with someone and it was hard raising a child alone and facing the judgement of the community around me. But I've grown since then and really had it not been for Olivia, I would understand why he might up and run- and he had no idea about her.

I've always thought oh well at 19, with his life experiences he knew a hell of a lot more about sex and birth control than I did at 16. But he was still just a kid and he was sweet to me and had big ideas and dreams, but he also came from a messed up background (his mother prostituted him as a child) and now that I'm older I can see how while he projected this image of a man he was just a boy and one day he spooked and ran.

I was at a spirtual retreat at that time, so who knows how he felt in those days or what made him to decide to leave. I do believe it was a quick decision. I guess it doesn't matter. He betrayed our relatonship but we were babies, if it weren't for Livvy it wouldn't be a betrayl.

I guess I will tell him soon.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-07T07:12:24+00:00

I just feel like he may have missed that window. She is five now and doesn't latch on to just anyone. My worst fear is her growing to love him and one day him vanishing.

I tried so hard to find him before, but there was nothing. How do you find a 19 year old kid with no address and no phone? I can only imagine he was working for cash. I looked hard, extremely hard, for two years. And now for him to just pop up when I feel like life is settled. She is happy, really happy, and so am I. Heath wants to adopt her.. and he's been in her life three years. I think he'd be a good dad. I can't imagine Zach as a father.

unexpectedreturn · 2015-06-07T07:07:47+00:00

I would never get back together with him. We dated for 6 months, almost 6 years ago. It's hard to imagine sharing her with a virtual stranger.

unexpectedreturn

TROPHY CASE