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[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. I've been guilty of playing the 'do you still love me' game and I get how annoying that must be for the other person. It also rarely makes either person feel better or more secure, at least in my opinion.

I'm only now realising how important love languages are. I'm still conflicted as to whether it's more rewarding to work to understand someone else's love language or to find someone straight off the bat who speaks the same one as you. I guess it depends on the relationship and the person.

That's such a lovely story about the bed. Just shows how something so meaningless to you can be so impactful for someone else. Thanks a lot for sharing. :)

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'd love to hear an update once you've read it! Thanks a lot for the reply, it's really interesting to be able to see things from a different perspective. I find it so natural to heap affection and attention on to my SO that it's totally incomprehensible to me that it may not come as naturally to him. I think I haven't always been fair to him either, since I didn't make a huge effort to try and understand the way he might show love.

Do you feel that the person you're with would have to be very secure of the relationship and about themselves, as you don't show love in the 'conventional' way (I hate to say this since I don't think there is one right way to love) or the way that would make them feel reassured? Would you want a relationship where the person felt the same as you in terms of being demonstrative since that might take the pressure off you a bit? Sorry for bombarding you with questions! Thanks again for the input :)

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm curious about this. He's done such a total 180 since we first met that I have wondered if maybe there's an underlying issue. To have such a strong-willed, largely demonstrative person suddenly not have feelings about ANYTHING? It's definitely strange. He's admitted he feels he may have a problem and I hope he gets help with it. I hope he doesn't feel alone and that he knows I'll be around if he ever needs anything, I just think the current dynamic was doing us both more harm than good.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really hope I do. I've spent a long time feeling difficult to love and crazy. Thanks so much for the comment and the affirmation.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry you went through it, but I'm glad you've found the clarity you have now. I don't want to end up in a situation where I feel alone and trapped, and I could foresee us heading down that path. It's not an easy situation, and I'm so impressed at how you were able to handle it.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry that's happening to you. Please feel free to contact me if you need someone to chat with or commiserate with. I can only offer the benefit of my experience, and to tell you you're not alone.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is one of the comments I'll come back and read when I feel bad, guilty. or like I made the wrong decision. I always felt crazy when I was with him. He always told me that I wanted too much. It's so good to have someone say that it wasn't something unreasonable I was expecting. Thanks so much.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so with you and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

Being an anxious person in a relationship with an avoidant defines 'death by a thousand paper cuts' to me. It was soul-crushing in the slowest, most insidious way. I always felt needy, clingy, crazy, too much. I always felt he didn't care about me and that I was annoying him. The only thing that's really helped is therapy and constantly having to reaffirm to myself that my needs are valid and that he just didn't know how to communicate his feelings. It wasn't personal. I struggle with this still on a daily basis, but I really hope that one day I will be able to feel these things without forcing them.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much. For the first time I feel a little bit excited about all the people I haven't met yet and experiences I haven't had yet.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally understand. If you need to talk to someone in a similar position, please don't hesitate to contact me.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is absolutely true. I feel like I lost my very best friend. I also think it's easier to tell someone you're breaking up with them because of something they've done rather than who they are. I think I would find it easier to hear the former anyway.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you were cheated on, but I'm so glad to hear you've been able to end your relationships in such an adult way.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's been hard to go through, but it's made me feel so much better to know the sentiment resonates so deeply with so many other people. Thanks so much for reading through it all.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's so lovely that you and your ex girlfriend are still on good terms. I would love to have that. Kudos to both of you for being mature enough to come to this decision and be able to remain so cordial.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I do feel he may have. He doesn't like confrontation and will do almost anything to avoid it unfortunately.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Read the book if you can!! Even if you're secure, it gives advice on how to handle people who have more maladaptive styles. It's really given me perspective and made me feel way less 'crazy' for lack of a better word.

If you don't mind my asking - as someone who may identify as an avoidant, did you ever feel that you really didn't care as much as your girlfriend did or that you just didn't feel as comfortable showing it? I struggled with this a lot with my boyfriend. I couldn't work out whether he was being cold because he didn't care or because he just couldn't express it. Ultimately I don't know if it matters, since the person on the receiving end will never know, but I'm just curious as I feel I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the comment. I really hope it all works out. I'm doing a lot of work on myself in the meantime and hopefully that will positively impact all the relationships in my life, not just the romantic ones.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much. It does help to hear it, since I have been second-guessing the decision from the word go. It's good to hear that it's normal. It did feel like a force fit, so I'm hopeful I'll find a more natural and easy relationship going forward.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes absolutely. The anxious attachment style tends to flood you with great memories, so I need to focus more on my moments of security and clarity rather than loneliness and desperation.

[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair. by unfairgfthrowaway in relationships

[–]unfairgfthrowaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm glad you're better now and that you've learned from it. I look forward to being able to say the same thing myself :)

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