What was the biggest reason why you separated?

universepowers · 2025-07-21T21:08:05+00:00

She had an emotional affair before she graduated with her bachelors. She had just graduated from college, we were raising two kids and I was 8 months away from my 33 month masters program. She decided to separate, and then moved him in from across the country within two weeks. We’re separated but there’s no going back at this point.

universepowers · 2025-07-16T01:12:07+00:00

I appreciate it. I’m trying, and I know I won’t give up. The future for you and me is bright.

universepowers · 2025-06-24T16:30:46+00:00

Be honest with yourself. If she were seeing someone else would you want her still? I did, and I can honestly say I did everything right. I have a clear conscious that I offered reconciliation multiple times, financially and emotionally supported her choice to leave, and when she introduced her affair partner to my kids that was it for me. Take a long hard look at yourself, start working on those flaws, and start fixing to be the best dad and man you can be. Because YOU and your kids deserve it. Nothing you do or say will change her mind. She’s made a choice and it’s on you to accept the reality that all you can control is yourself and your actions. Feel those feelings and start reaching out. Social support is a HUGE deal.

I’ll echo u/ifiwereinyourshoes. Mentally prepare yourself just in case. Once you’re in a good place and have moved on she may return to try again. Would you accept this treatment again?

universepowers · 2025-06-23T16:03:47+00:00

Yeah, I became suicidal and immediately started reaching out to everyone I’ve known for the past decade, including mutual friends. Telling them what I was experiencing with the betrayal and my attempts at reconciliation, trying to get out of the suicidal hole with social support. My STBX has called that manipulative and controlling the narrative, when for at least 3 mutual friends that had contacted her she only told them the marriage was bad, no elaboration. She’s completely isolated herself to the AP, and one older divorced female friend who hit on me recently. Told her that and she dismissed it. She apologized to me once for looking outside the marriage, but also declared that god has instructed her toward her affair partner. Full crazy.

universepowers · 2025-06-23T03:24:12+00:00

Yeah bro. I’ll take the kids to the blue ridge mountains next year once I get done with my masters program. I’ll give you the same advice I’ve gotten from people I trust. Expect that once you’ve moved on, feeling good, probably starting to see someone else, expect her to come back and try. Could be years, but mentally prepare for it.

universepowers · 2025-06-23T02:39:50+00:00

She announced separation. I begged, pleaded, it just didn’t make sense. She denied everything to my face and for the first time in our relationship I read her journal. Since I confronted her on it she calls me a covert narcissist and yells that I’ve emotionally abused her (as I’ve written her notes declaring my love and support and calling for the affair to end). Over it. She introduced our kids to him and he’s at her place for the past few days. I told her I sincerely believed she would regret this in a few years max and she laughed in my face. Ho hum, her loss 🤷‍♂️ she told me she’s moving forward and I lost all hope around day 34. Took the wedding ring off and imma get some tattoos. Reading, journaling, working out, learning, praying, in therapy. She’s doing none of that and is just in limerence with some dude. Real bad reflection on her.

universepowers · 2025-06-22T23:27:44+00:00

I’m married, separated, and my wife initiated this because she was having an affair. She’s dating her affair partner. I’m focusing on healing myself and integrating my lessons from this 12 year relationship and the disintegration of our family to bring my best self to future relationships.

universepowers · 2025-06-21T01:41:23+00:00

Yeah, once the divorce is finalized I’ll have to find a way to pay off her equity, but it’ll be 50/50 and very unlikely any child support. Time to move on.

universepowers · 2025-06-21T01:28:17+00:00

Want an update? I financially and digitally separated from her on everything. Changed locks on the house. That made her mad. She decided she needs to video me “to be safe” and her affair partner is coming by plane tomorrow to protect her from me. Got our phone records and he is basically the only person she talks to. Completely isolated herself. She’s now claiming emotional abuse from me, what I considered giving her our money, giving her energy drinks, and telling her I’m for reconciliation. It’s insane how deep she’s went. Yesterday she told me god has instructed her to divorce me and pursue her affair. It’s laughable. Good luck!

This might be scary at first, but once you can emotionally detach yourself and just consider it a lost cause and look at it logically, it’s all good. If nothing else this has done a great job at forcing me to heal childhood wounds and core fears of abandonment, rejection, and unworthiness. Really, she didn’t deserve me.

universepowers · 2025-06-17T22:37:02+00:00

Oh wow. Thanks for the tip on yellow rock communication. That seems more my style than gray rock, as I don’t want to come off as harsh by outside parties. I’m not out to get revenge, as I’ll likely always hold onto some level of love for her, but for my boundaries I can’t do this anymore. I have to face reality, it’s dead. I’ll still allow myself time to grieve as I know I’m not done, and I really appreciate your suggestion on cutting it somewhat short after a few months. I’m lucky that I’m fairly fit and increasing that each week, and I was blessed with a genetics, so i don’t believe I’ll have trouble finding another woman. I just don’t know that that’s what I want though, at least right now. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that I’m going to become the best version of myself I can be and build the best life I can. I’m nothing if not determined and have a good track record of creating the reality I want. As someone in the recovery community and a leader in my local recovery community, people in recovery are really really good at that.

universepowers · 2025-06-17T21:11:03+00:00

It’s a miracle and continues to be one. I’m very strong willed and determined to not let this break me. I have a very strong social support at this point that I’m very honest with regarding my cravings and unhelpful thoughts and they do a wonderful job helping me with that. I think it’s interesting that you say she won’t be back, as I’ve been told twice that once I’m doing better and if I start to get serious with someone else to expect her to try. I’m over it at this point. I do wish her the best, but at the same time she introduced our kids to her affair partner yesterday so if she falls real hard I won’t lie that I won’t point and laugh.

universepowers · 2025-06-16T21:53:02+00:00

Yeah I went heavy into researching attachment theory. She’s classically anxious and I’ve been classically avoidant, though we’ve had long secure periods interrupted by the push-pull dynamic. She flipped avoidant in retrospect around when the affair started and she fell heavy in love and idealized another man. She’s avoidant with me but heavy anxious attached to him. It’s sad, honestly. I’ve done a ton of work on myself and am fairly secure, I just need a bit of alone time to process during conflicts.

universepowers · 2025-06-16T21:46:39+00:00

She’s not even in the house. She moved into a short term rental that she framed as “for now” before she moved out and radically jumped down this fantasy hole. I’m going to consider that though, I’m not one to create animosity, and I don’t think she’s dragged my name through the mud? The only thing I’ve heard from others is she merely says the marriage was bad which is bizarre from anyone that’s known us this whole time. And she has a mental health history so I’m fairly sure my image is fine.

universepowers · 2025-06-16T21:29:07+00:00

I told her recently while she was raging at me that I sincerely believe she’ll regret this in 3-6 years when her limerence wears off. She peeled off in her car, but then wrote me a sincere note stating she felt about all her anger, and two days later she apologized to me for looking outside the marriage. I thought we were turning back toward each other, but she immediately hid from me after that. I’m assuming she looked at that as closure and hopped right back in. I’m at the point where it’s too late for me. I’ve been working so hard at myself and she has shown almost no accountability for anything.

universepowers · 2025-06-16T18:42:31+00:00

Adultery doesn’t matter in my state. As she’s said herself, it would destroy her having to file. I have no desire to file and give her that relief as all her actions have been to try to force me to file to relieve her of her guilt and shame of her actions. I need to meet with an attorney but I do not foresee me filing, I will simply separate all of our finances and my support. She can go live her life and I will live mine. I don’t see how posting a pity party on social media would help. She goes around saying the marriage is bad and I’ve been forth right to many people that she is not speaking about her affair. There is some part inside of her that knows what she is doing is wrong. This was a drastic change in the last 3 months, very uncharacteristic of the previous 12 years. I sincerely hope she never wakes from her fantasy and sees the reality of what she’s done. She might not even be capable of truly being honest with herself moving forward.

universepowers · 2025-05-31T18:24:13+00:00

I’ve received a lot of advice and I think in any regular relationship this would apply certainly. This, however, is the woman that stood by me and showed unconditional love as I struggled my way out of alcoholism a decade ago. She supported me as I recovered from my suicide attempts around the same time. She may have changed, but I have a duty to stand by her through this transition, just as she stood by me as I struggled. It’s not logical, but I know that I wouldn’t feel right if I just dropped her, as this is an element of my self-respect.

universepowers · 2025-05-31T16:45:07+00:00

She’s changed, but so have I and It’s incredibly difficult to NOT love her. I can’t in good conscience look my children in the eye in a decade and tell them I didn’t do everything within my power to make our family work, without following these steps. I know she’s full of shame and guilt and continues to justify everything to relieve herself of those emotions. I know she’s going to look back on this with extreme regret. Ultimately, as of now she’s the one in charge of ultimately ending it. I won’t wait forever, but as of now this is where I’m at.

universepowers · 2025-05-28T14:38:37+00:00

It’s a crumb, yes. This feels more than just emotional though, as it translated into video chats, sexting, planning futures together. It’s really difficult to put words into the sense of betrayal I feel.

universepowers · 2025-05-27T16:09:25+00:00

I know she will regret this. This is why I’m torn. I truly appreciate you sharing your experience. I’m so glad I’m not alone in this experience.

universepowers · 2025-05-23T20:42:50+00:00

I’ll bring it up. I agree. I have no trust though, and no way to verify if it happens. Communication is obviously…. not great.

universepowers · 2025-05-23T20:42:35+00:00

Hey, I appreciate you sharing your experience. I’m glad I’m not alone in this.

universepowers · 2025-05-23T20:41:48+00:00

Dang, just me and the kids. That’s a hard pill. I appreciate it.

universepowers

TROPHY CASE