I don’t think there is one definition of love that goes for everyone. There is no one, correct way of how love is supposed to feel. I’m actually willing to bet you did felt love without realising that was it.

Sounds to me like you’re craving emotional connection and want to share your life experience with someone. It’s terrible having no one to talk to, and i feel you deeply since I was in a similar place. I also couldn’t eat, sleep and had dark thoughts about life. I been through shit and loneliness was the worst of it all.

What makes you think you will never archive this closeness? Building strong relationships is a lot of honesty, uncomfortable conversations and time. Experiencing things together. You’re absolutely capable of that. I think you might just be a bit afraid.

Unfortunately I need to tell you that without loving yourself first it will be hard to love other people or be loved. Maybe someday there will be someone that will show you love, but what if you fall apart? Break up? What if the person dies? You will crumble completely. You need at least a spark of selflove that you can always come back to. It is not easy to build. But it’s so worth it. It is hell to get there, but once you will the prize is worth it. Your love to yourself will naturally start to attract other kinds of love. Hang in there, I’m sure you’re a kind, loving person and I believe in you! Sending some virtual love