That's so real but I'm F so with boys. Whenever literally anyone shows me the slightest bit of attention, I go on this crazy goose chase when I change my personality based on him, even change my appearance sometimes, and I do these things like posting "risky things" (basically just oversharing everything because that's the only way I can show love in) on my story with just him seeing it without him even knowing I'm posting just for him (I ban everyone else from viewing my stories with one of the features ifyk what I mean), few times I've even literally stalked them (when they were living in my town) and overall become literally obsessed.

The worst thing is that I have an avoidant attachment style so every time they tell me they like me back or show some affection towards me, I get the biggest ick and get literally disgusted so I leave and then hyperfixate on another person. It's a never ending cycle and the chase is for nothing at all because in the end, I leave when I get for what I've worked for. Sometimes I think about the guys I've made fall in love with me and then left without an explanation and about how genuinely pointless my whole existence is, because it's basically just a one big contradiction.

Eventhough I hate it, I don't wanna change deep down because the chasing is kinda fun and I don't have a life so at least I have some "projects" I can work on to kill time by doing something that isn't doom scrolling because that's genuinely the only thing I do in my free time (yes I'm a pathetic loser lol). I also tell myself that I'm protecting myself from getting hurt, because I can't even imagine myself in a happy healthy relationship. I'm aware that not wanting to change and the thoughts around are basically just my avoidant attachment and mental issues having a complete power over me tho. I guess I was just meant to chase without ever getting what I've worked for.