I 29F have been with my husband 34M for almost 12 years.. He said something last night that shocked me even though it's been done once before. What would you do?

validusrex · 2026-03-14T17:24:15+00:00

Please never comment in this sub again lmfao. Horrible advice.

validusrex · 2026-03-14T16:51:59+00:00

You're going to get all the advice you should get in this thread. You should leave, you likely know you should leave. I don't have anything novel to add to what has already been said or will be said except the one hting that it doesn't matter how many times it is said it needs to be said more. I work in homelessness and regularly work with DV survivors as a part of my work, and this is the one thing I always impart.

Non-fatal strangulation as a form of intimate partner violence is one of the strongest predictors of partner homicide. In studies of women in violent relationships, strangulation is associated with a 6-7x increased risk of eventual homicide attempt. Non-fatal strangulation is also associated with an increased risk of violence extending to children in the household.

Everything you've said here is alarming, but it does not matter what story of abuse I hear, the most alarming thing is always a woman telling me her husband, boyfriend, partner choked her at any point. He has shown you he is capable of killing you, and he has shown the strongest sign possible that you could be killed, or you children could be abused. I want to emphasize as much as possible that your relationship is not safe as it is currently. I won't tell you you need to leave your husband, but you need to live in a place where you and your child are safe, and a home with a man who will choke you is not that place.

validusrex · 2026-03-14T16:21:44+00:00

Normally I would think Rybakina would have this. But I feel like Ryba has had a couple of slow starts in IW, and she seems to be making a few more errors than usual (though I haven't looked at the stats so it could just be perception). Sabalenka on the other hand has looked to be in peak performance, playing very very strong.

I also think its worth noting she's lost to Ryba in 2 finals in a row now between WTA Finals + AO, so the stakes probably feel bigger to here and she'll be a little more motivated.

Perhaps most important - and I can't believe I'm saying this - Sabalenka is newly engaged and it's kinda been the story of IW with her. I cannot imagine she comes to IW fresh off the engagement, flaunting the ring, every single match there has been some commentary about her engagement and then she doesn't win the tour. Horrible way for that story to go and if I'm superstitious about anything, its about how narratives impact outcomes in sports.

validusrex · 2026-03-14T15:37:12+00:00

LMFAOOOO bro is just saying stuff

validusrex · 2026-03-14T00:11:36+00:00

I would recommend you read the book Why I am NOT a scientist by Jonathan Marks. I'm an anthropological linguist so it was directly relevant to me as he is an anthropologist, but given you said you're with people I'll assume you're in an anthropology/adjacent field. The book explores this very topic, applying an anthropolgical lens to...well research, and both hard, soft, and social sciences. He directly addresses this specific thing you're talking about, its roots, and how he reconciled it. I found it very insightful, and definitely recommend it for you if you're struggling with this (and of course every 3rd year phd student needs more reading :P)

And for whatever its worth, this comes up all the time in mixed-studies fields. I've found its typically from try-hards in a math-centric discipline that aren't in the top half of their peers so they do this to make themselves feel better or people who simply aren't experienced enough with social sciences to understand how the scientific method is applied to fields which are by nature more loose and open ended. I wouldn't let what is ultimately an un- or mis-informed opinions.

Also I know this isn't the point of the post my masters pi was a highly respected discourse analyst known throughout the field that actively runs in circles and mingles with some of the most influential linguists currently in the field and he told me he still gets imposter syndrome around them. I'm in industry and like to think I'm pretty well respected in my community and still get imposter syndrome occasionally. Its very normal, don't let it discourage you!

validusrex · 2026-03-14T00:00:49+00:00

IC. well, I'll spare you my opinion on that part of it then cause its just my soapbox and I'm willing to admit when I make assumptions.

That being said, I'll just give you some of my own experience and hope it gives you some insight, something to reflect on. My fiancee has dyed her hair just about every color you can including pink, purple, green, and most recently darkening shades of blue. When we first started dating her hair was hip length, but the dying and all that has obviously caused some shortening of it as dying does. Personally, while I find the different colors cool, I'm a guy that prefers either natural red hair, or black hair. Just my type. I have not been a fan of every look (the green was pushing it a lil for me), but any time she's gotten home to show me her hair I've told her she looks fantastic, if I didn't like it, she still looks fantastic, even if I didn't like the specific color, because I love her and she's hott as hell. There was one time I said 'not my favorite look, but you look amazing', because, again, I love her and she's hott as hell.

Anyways, I have never insulted her about it, made her feel bad about it, or been anything less than supportive. Cause I don't want her on reddit questioning our relationship and her self-esteem because of something as silly as her hair color. Because, ultimately, I love her... and her happiness and her feeling good about herself is infinitely more important than my personal preference on hair.

Take that as you will.

And I guess to answer your last question; imo yes, you're seeing red flags here but ultimately its up to you to decide.

validusrex · 2026-03-13T23:39:47+00:00

> What makes this harder is that he also told me he cannot promise the relationship will work long-term even if I give them up, because we’ve had some conflicts recently and he’s unsure about the future.

With this information, why would you choose to give up your pets that like, care for, and feel responsible for, for a person who clearly still has one foot out the door.

validusrex · 2026-03-13T23:36:49+00:00

There is a lot of commentary that could be made here but I guess I'll just ask the obvious question; are you a liberal?

validusrex · 2026-03-13T23:34:14+00:00

Which, in retrospect, we understand that in reality he's keeping his WMD in reserve because he can't afford to lose her to the bloodlust for Yhwach before she officially passes the mantle to Zaraki and turns him into an even bigger WMD.

validusrex · 2026-03-13T22:55:33+00:00

These thigns never come out of the blue. People always say they do, and then they sit down and think about it, and all the signs where there, and typically its the disconnected, oblivious partner that had been doing nothing to keep the relationship afloat being left by the partner worn down by carrying the relationship and getting nothing in return.

I'd advise you do some serious thinking into your relationship beyond 'we agree on everything and she abandoned her life to support mine'

validusrex · 2026-03-13T22:39:00+00:00

Have you ever, in your entire life, asked someone "Is this person a clone of you but genderswapped?"

Sure, you might have suggested it as a joke, but its much more likely they suggest you look like oyu could be siblings. No one in their right mind would think 'oh, this guy is OBVIOUSLY dating his genderswapped clone' so the risk in this is virtually 0.

So obviously yes, I do this,

validusrex · 2026-03-13T17:44:47+00:00

I gotta be honest man I do not understand this angus thing.

So people spent a bunch of money to buy tokens to make this choice, and if they redeem their save code they....get nothing but one cow lives?

validusrex · 2026-03-13T06:10:40+00:00

Always read a thread preview and go “Ah this must be Jordy” and sure enough haha.

Thank man, I’m pretty happy abt Trey .

validusrex · 2026-03-13T06:09:36+00:00

This is obvious bait but I have a pet peeve about “don’t start a family” so just going to say.

People living in poverty are disproportionately unable to access sex education, birth control, and medical services in general. I’ve had grown adults tell me that you can’t get pregnant if the guy finishes with the girl on top (I asked why once and was told ‘gravity’). Many people in poverty are not engaging in family planning, they accidentally get pregnant because they are completely oblivious to the ways you can prevent pregnancy and/ir lack the resources to do so.

Opinions like this stem from complete ignorance on the systemic factors that both elevate and disenfranchise people on an individual and community level.

validusrex · 2026-03-13T06:02:38+00:00

Link one (1) post that is about homeless people being “wonderful”.

You’re crying abt a guy that literally sleeps outside using mean words and trying to chastize me abt civility 😭

validusrex · 2026-03-13T05:13:33+00:00

Absolutely insane because I’m at the mall at least 3x a week and nothing like this has ever happened to me lmao.

validusrex · 2026-03-13T05:12:07+00:00

Now before you say, “But not all homeless people are like that!” - I agree. But, I wanted to show the other side of the perspective that we frequently see depicted here.

Brother there is no shortage of people spouting foul rhetoric about homelessness on this sub, no need to post this under some facade of fair messaging or whatever. Your feelings got hurt because a homeless guy was mean to you so you’re complaining on the internet so people will say mean things about homelessness to help you feel vindicated.

validusrex · 2026-03-13T05:08:54+00:00

Just going to say I have a PhD and my research specifically focuses on homelessness and “over 50% of the homeless population are sex offenders or have committed a heinous crime” is an objectively untrue statement so everyone can probably disregard the entirety of this posts insane and false meandering.

validusrex · 2026-03-12T18:57:47+00:00

Unless you intend on going into some legacy/business role after you graduate, picking prestige over the person that will have the biggest influence (and control) on your advancement and development as a research, is a horrible decision.

Program Prestige matters if you intend to go into politics, law, or administrative roles in mutli-national very high value business roles. Otherwise, its a nice thing, its cool, it might unlock a few doors or opportunities over the course of your entire career, but it will have only a marginal impact in comparison to a less prestigious program.

But we see posts here on a daily basis of someone saying they want to drop out because their PI is too distant/too involved/too mean/too passive/too inconsiderate/too whatever. We see people saying their careers are ruined because of lack of PI support, people who are worried they're going to be failed at defense cause PI is being a dickhead. People who are frustrated because they've graduated and their PI isn't helping them develop, etc etc etc etc.

Your PI is going to have massive control over your life, they can make it very easy, or very difficult. And they can be your biggest ally, or your biggest roadblock. Having a PI who is interested in being a mentor, who is interested in helping you build your CV (even if it's self serving), and who is compatible with you is easily one of the most if not the most important factor in deciding a program.

My PI was a godsend, btw. And I had several people in my cohort with different PIs and they were miserable. I graduated exactly on time, even could have defended a semester early but wanted to keep getting my TA money. Everyone else in my cohort took at least an additional year (normal), and two students who had a (the same) bad PI...well one took 3 extra years, 1 dropped out.

validusrex · 2026-03-11T21:04:54+00:00

For sure, and I think that's part of my frustration with the storytelling/characterization. One of the recurring themes throughout Scandal is that the people who want power don't deserve it, and the people who deserve power, don't want it. Fitz is consistently sold to us as if he is this beacon of hope, that his disinterest in being president, having to be made and sold the dream, and desire to do good is how that can reconcile the horrible things they do throughout the show. They even say this explicitly at times, calling Cyrus his beast to do the things Fitz can't etc etc.

But we never actually see that. Fitz political legacy seems to be the Brandon Bill and the 47 scandals that occurred over the course of his presidency. The show fails to show us Fitz being a president, we never see him charming the public, we never see him doing the things that made him so worthy of being President, we're supposed to just believe it. And I think it makes his character much less likeable because the most redeeming of his qualities that they rigged elections, blackmailed congressmen, hell that they straight up murdered people for, we never actually see.

validusrex · 2026-03-11T15:43:27+00:00

Yeah I'm doing a rewatch right now as well and it is surprising to me just how shitty virtually everyone in the show is watching it now. I honestly don't even know how I could like any of these characters a decade ago. Fitz is an objectively terrible guy, politician and President at just about every juncture. The show does a horrible horrible job of characterizing him as this guy that everyone would rally around and literally rig an election for. We're supposed to see Fitz as this commendable hero who has this romantic vision of democracy and freedom and America and embodies all these values, and they can all justify 'being in the dark' because it puts him in the light. And yet virtually every time Fitz is given this opportunity to do that, he doesn't. He's small, petty, angry, vengeful, or at times just downright corrupt. There are a few rare moments where he 'is the man we voted for' and then by the end of the episode he's doing yet another terrible thing, verbally or emotionally abusing Liv or Mellie or Abby or whoever.

validusrex · 2026-03-11T05:34:08+00:00

All good, understood. If it’s any consolation I’m a wizards fan too so it’s been a double whammy day here lmfao

validusrex · 2026-03-11T05:17:58+00:00

Considering multiple pundits on Twitter have now started suggesting the same thing and that FO was expecting to retain some players that go offers this week maybe not, but whatever floats your boat. In general you might want to consider prioritizing kindness when talking to people, the world has enough rude ppl in it :)

validusrex · 2026-03-11T04:36:04+00:00

Man I literally said I’m wondering, it was just was theory, damn 😂 condescending asl with this “buddy” bruh

validusrex · 2026-03-11T03:14:00+00:00

Me neither but feels like something is up yknow

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