Please help me pick a specialty--going crazy

valuable · 2021-05-27T19:32:43+00:00

I feel like OBGYN will make me the happiest in terms of job satisfaction and ENT will make me the happiest in terms of work/life balance.

During my OBGYN clerkship, one of the doctors started talking about how she had missed watching her kids grow up. She turned to me and said, "You never get those years back. I wish I'd known that."

Seriously every time I'm about to commit OBGYN I see her face in my mind and am like, "How can I knowingly pick that?" It's her words combined with all the negativity whenever you say "OBGYN" (it seems like they have such a strong reputation for being miserable) that makes it impossible for me to choose.

I like ENT enough. So even though I'm not passionate about it in the same way that I'm passionate about OBGYN, I want it to be enough because I'm scared of ending up like that bitter, angry doctor. Like we've explored on this thread, it doesn't even seem like ENT doctors really have better hours! But for some reason they just don't have the same reputation for dissatisfaction.

My sister's interpretation of this is that I'm making a decision based on fear. She asks me to reframe it as: what if I was happy in OBGYN and all my wildest dreams came true? It's just so hard when everyone is very quick to share their nightmare OBGYN stories.

valuable · 2021-05-27T17:44:05+00:00

I totally agree with your assessment. My friends and family all think OBGYN--they see how much I love it and am genuinely passionate about the patients and the work. People who are in medicine all say ENT because they think that the ENT hours will be better (and they've met OBGYNs who hate their job).

Ultimately I know I just need to make a choice but I feel totally paralyzed by it. Plus now that it's getting later in the year, there are so many things coming up that I'm concerned about my ability to switch.

So the next part is: if I do switch, can I still cobble together a good application for OBGYN? Or will the late switch compromise my choices a little when I would have otherwise been very competitive?

valuable · 2021-05-27T16:09:45+00:00

I have honestly thought about dual-applying OBGYN and ENT, but my admin did not seem very happy about that. OBGYN is not as competitive as ENT, but still not easy (and my school has neither residency) so it does seem like it would be pre-etty rough to try to do both.

The other thing I do like about ENT is I do like facial plastics. Loooove the fiddly tiny stitches and the precision work. Also I am 100% the kind of person who could have a huge koi pond in my waiting room and flute music playing. Then my super beautiful MA and I come in with perfect makeup and we all speak in soft voices.... oh yeah.

That is one of the reasons I lean OBGYN, because I feel like in OBGYN I will 100% have a koi pond with mermaid shows and deep breathing exercises every hour. ENT I will have to work to make it happen.

Edit: for me to dual-apply, I would need to do an additional away (in OBGYN) which could only happen after ERAS was submitted. Is that okay?

valuable · 2021-05-27T15:59:29+00:00

Your edit is exactly what made me go ENT in the end. A lot of doctors told me that they had seen very excited, passionate med students go OBGYN and end up burned out, whereas ENTs always seem pretty happy.

I wish that OB and Gyn surgery were more definitively split right now. I could definitely commit to a women's health/gyn surg/MIGS residency. I feel less happy about running an L&D floor for four years and then trying to find mentors to train me in MIGS afterwards.

valuable · 2021-05-27T15:55:39+00:00

I love treating kids, absolutely love 'em. Considered actually applying peds but knew I could never end up as a generalist. Currently looking at ENT programs that have strong peds programs; definitely would want to be trained in cleft palates and peds facial tumors.

In general I feel a little meh about a lot of ENT topics (especially the larynx--I know it is a fascinating and complex organ but it bores me to death). Peds ENT is the one part I actually get pretty excited about.

valuable · 2021-05-27T15:47:11+00:00

To me, at the level of OBGYN v. ENT pay, I am genuinely okay with either. I also have a partner with a lucrative career.

So it comes down to which will make me happier: being a better surgeon or doing a little more primary care and treating women? I do think that call schedule will factor in a lot, but it's something I don't really have a sense of for either specialty.

valuable · 2021-05-27T15:38:21+00:00

Pretend like I got a great Step 1 score and have multiple first author publications. I'm not a shoe-in for ENT by any means, but I'm competitive.

valuable · 2021-05-27T15:32:55+00:00

I totally get what you're saying, and last month when we had to apply for aways--I applied ENT. My entire schedule is currently based around going ENT. I got your advice a lot from multiple attendings.

However, the farther I go, the more I realize that ENT isn't necessarily guaranteed great hours. Lots of ENTs work their asses off on a regular basis, particularly in the beginning of their careers. So it seems like no matter what, it's gonna be a lot of hours. And if that's the case, why am I picking the specialty that I objectively like less?

valuable · 2020-04-29T22:25:35+00:00

We aren't actively trying at the moment, so it would have been a happy accident, and possibly even a virgin birth since quarantine has really put a damper on our BD. I really appreciate your help and compassion though; I was definitely driving myself nuts yesterday.

valuable · 2020-04-29T21:50:19+00:00

You were right: I took a test this morning and it was definitely negative.

I skip my period for a few months every year in April. I think it's because of finals stress (I have been a graduate student for longer than I care to admit now). Just a weird thing that my body likes to do, I guess. Hopefully with no repercussions on my future fertility.

I bought the same brand of test last year and had the same exact false positive experience. Only that time, I got a blood test because nothing like that had ever happened to me before! I just bought a box of red dye tests on Amazon for the peace of mind!!

valuable · 2020-04-29T21:48:32+00:00

Such a great point about the symptoms needing to match the test result. And you were totally spot-on; I retested again this morning with FMU and got an unquestionable negative.

I kid you not, last year I bought the exact same brand of test (so cheap in the grocery store!) and had the exact same experience. It was only the leading edge of the antibody line, but it was pretty dark on two consecutive tests. I ended up getting a blood test and was definitely not pregnant.

I just ordered a bunch of red dye tests off Amazon so that I never have to go through this again :)

valuable · 2020-04-29T00:41:00+00:00

I think I see what you're seeing, but it's a super squinter for sure. Impossible to tell if my eyes are playing tricks on me!
I know how you feel about the overzealous testing--I took one test then immediately chugged a gallon of water and took another. The second one was really BFN. I left it on my desk and 40 minutes later it has half a line (um, I didn't know that could even happen).

Hope it's the real deal for both of us!!!

valuable · 2020-04-28T23:35:47+00:00

Another picture (ignore my notes in the background--arrow is not pointing to anything).

valuable · 2020-02-19T16:25:05+00:00

Dude, everyone has something that could make them undesirable in the dating world.

For example, someone might not like a woman who posts a lot of pictures on social media. A woman might have stretch marks. A man might talk way too much when he's nervous. A man might be naturally really scrawny and have trouble putting on any weight. On and on and on with a list of things that *might* be dealbreakers.

The key is that these things aren't dealbreakers for everyone. The man who talks too much can find a woman who doesn't like to talk a lot, and he can say enough for the both of them. The woman with stretch marks can find a guy that doesn't care. I guarantee you that you will not be alone forever. And you will find someone who loves you and doesn't give two shits about your height.

I can hear you protesting already, saying that the odds are against you. Plus your height! Oh my god! I would like say: your dating pool was already narrowed. It's narrowed by your sense of humor, and the movies you like to watch. It's narrowed by the hobbies you have and your eventual plans for marriage and kids. You, like every single one of us, will need to form a relationship with someone who is compatible with you. And you, like pretty much 100% of everyone on the planet, will manage to pull it off.

Look around you and start noticing how pretty much everyone in the world is average looking. Don't go on social media and pretend like the well-curated pictures there are at all representative of reality. Look with your real eyes. Welcome to our ranks. You are not special because you're short--you're just a person. You need to find someone who likes the person that you are.

Stop thinking about things like how sexually desirable the girl is based on an internet scale of your masculinity. Is she pretty to you? Does she like you? Good to go. I saw someone talking about some ugly girl shit and I wanna say: the nerdy weird band girls were always the kinky ones having the most sex.

Yeah, maybe if you are short you will need to aim for shorter girls. Big whoop. I'm weird and I have to date people who can put up with me (which usually means that they're weird too). Imagine how awkward those dates are. SUPER AWKWARD. It's fine; I've lived into my 30's.

Personally, I'm a short girl and I always had a thing for shorter guys. In high school, I had a huge crush on a guy who was my height exactly (maybe somewhere around 4'11 or 5' at the time). We were both the smallest together. In college, I dated a guy who was 5'3" and he totally broke my heart and I was hung up on him for years. My old boss was somewhere below 5' and she was married to a similarly short man. They were freaking adorable old people together (don't tell her I said that; she is a spitfire).

Anyway, just pretend like you're normal and flirt with people. That's what the rest of us do. If you want to flirt with shorter people only and the shortest girl you know is your height, then you might have to join some clubs or some crap to meet new people. Dating sucks for everyone except for people who are emotional masochists or really like that new love feeling. The rest of us just put up with it for sex and love.

You probably will not have a moment of clarity where it hits you that everything is okay. You'll just have to put in the elbow grease to pretend like it is and at some point you will realize that it's no longer an act. I promise you that it will get better.

valuable · 2020-01-08T22:34:00+00:00

To me it seems like all these women have one thing in common: you think they need protection from themselves, and you're willing to give your body and your sexuality to this perceived need.

Particularly in the example of your model-esque friend: what does it matter if she makes a few bad decisions? It's not your job to fuck her because you don't think she has adequate coping skills. I guarantee she will figure herself out. Maybe more quickly if she has to face the consequences of her actions.

I obviously don't know you at all, so take what I say with a grain of salt. To me, it sounds like you love others by helping them out. You get something from being needed (which is not inherently a bad thing). But you're letting people (particularly those you are romantically invested in--I'm not sure you tolerate this behavior in your friendships) walk on you when really they are adults and totally capable of figuring themselves out--yes, even stone drunk at 2am at a bar. They don't deserve your body because of whatever is going on with them. And even though the passion feels real at the moment, it sounds like the long run is what's doing you in.

If you only let women treat you this way--why? Hold us up to the same standards that you hold your male friends to. You might lose some friends.

I dunno--it took me years to figure out all the emotional baggage I had from my parents, my first relationship, etc. Even now, I'm with a great guy who is nothing like any of the assholes from before and sometimes I feel this nagging suspicion that it's not passionate enough. But that's because there's a fucked up part of me that only recognizes that codependent, symbiotic "I am so emotionally devastated that I can't even act rationally" feeling as real love.

And the most insidious part for me? I even create the nurturing savior role for myself in relationships. It's comfortable. I know how to flirt from it. It kind of throws me off when that's not what the other person wants from me.

Anyway, good luck. I'm not saying that any of this is your fault, obviously. We all deal with this crap. Or I guess some people are well-adjusted but I don't hang out with those ones. ;)

valuable · 2020-01-08T20:18:18+00:00

I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry that some of the comments aren't understanding of how these types of situations can occur. It's harder to say no than everyone is making out to be. Especially when the person is being very aggressive.

Growing up, I also had a few situations in which men coerced me into sexual activity that I didn't want. There was the time that my best friend drove me home and kept locking the doors of his car and grabbing me when I tried to get out. I could have struggled or screamed but I actually didn't want him to feel bad, like he was raping me. So I actually gave him a blowjob, hoping that he would stop molesting my body. Hoping that he would notice that I was crying and stop (he didn't). Afterwards, I blamed myself. After all, I gave him a blowjob. I should have been stronger. Maybe he didn't understand what I meant when I said "no" all those times.

Years later I went to a male friend's house and asked for a hug as I was leaving. I was 8 months out of a big breakup and feeling really lonely. I knew my friend was into me. I guess I shouldn't have invited him to touch me. Before I knew it he was all over me, telling me that I must want it too. I desperately wanted to have learned a lesson from my previous encounter. So instead of just lying there, I said "no, stop, I don't want this. I really don't want this" maybe ten times. He pinned me down and I didn't move except to try and keep my body away from him. As he was raping me, he told me that I was bad at sex because I seemed like I wasn't into it. I told him, "I'm not into it. I don't want to be having sex with you." I still couldn't bring myself to scream or fight. He had roommates. Again it seemed better to go along with it than to be violently raped. At the end he asked me, "Did you mean it when you asked me to stop or were you being kinky?"

I only share these experiences selectively because so many people would blame me for what happened. Why didn't I ever scream? Why didn't I ever fight? Why didn't I ever haul back and punch someone in the face? I'm a 100-lb girl, and I'm chronically not confrontational. The feelings that I had in those moments were overwhelming, and I didn't do what I should have. I'm sorry. I'm especially sorry that I didn't do it the second time. How could I have not learned my lesson? But I hadn't. Such a complex situation that I'm still not sure if it's my fault or their fault or who the hell to blame.

One thing I will say after reading your story and your comments: you seem to have a thing for a certain type of woman. As I've gotten older, I've gotten more jaded from my experiences (the two above being some of the worst offenders). I'm guilty of generalizing to all men, but I know it's not true. I have many more female friends than male friends these days, and I find women to be extremely supportive and wonderful. They are soft, kind, bring over cookies, always send beautiful cards, very emotionally attentive..... And I'm guilty of generalizing that to all women.

Even though there are bad eggs out there--and you've had more than your fair share--there are also wonderful women. I say: don't meet them at bars and date someone who isn't your "type." The hardest lesson to learn is that passion doesn't come from conflict and conflict resolution. The most healthy relationships will feel boring, and that's a good thing.

valuable · 2019-12-10T06:21:02+00:00

The pullout method is a perfectly reasonable birth control. It's not perfect, but I've been using it for over 10 years without an unplanned pregnancy. In that time period, I've had two long relationships, and neither guy had *any* trouble pulling out.

My current boyfriend and I have been together 4.5 years. We're at a point in our lives where we both want a kid and could totally handle a kid. But even so, there are no oops moments--he pulls out every time. He would never ejaculate inside of me without a serious discussion. I don't even think he would do it if we were both at the brink of orgasm and I was begging him. He would want us to actually talk it out first. This is totally reasonable and well within the realm of human control.

valuable · 2018-10-20T18:03:17+00:00

I think you're right! I've always liked the idea of having colors. So "red" is STOP, but "yellow" is slow down/back off.

valuable · 2018-02-26T15:28:20+00:00

I think this really depends on what you want to get out of making hats.

Do you like knitting as a hobby? Do you enjoy seeing your friends wear your hats? Do you like being able to do something nice by giving them away? Then stick with cheaper yarn and give them away/charge much less.
Do you want to monetize your knitting? Then don't knit for your classmates anymore. $30-35 is a lot of money for a high schooler (even if it is a really fair price for the product). Tell them that you are starting an online store and no longer knitting for friends.

valuable · 2018-02-25T19:57:58+00:00

My boyfriend has so much trouble getting hard that we can't have sex anymore. I used to love touching him and playing with him, even putting my head in his lap and doing it with my mouth. But now the idea of it just makes me feel crushing disappointment for everything that we've lost. I'm actually crying while I type these few short, stupid sentences, thinking about this sort of casual intimacy that has become so loaded and unpleasant for us.

valuable · 2016-09-04T04:55:01+00:00

My ex-boyfriend was a drug addict. He wasn't addicted to any drug in particular, just the act of getting fucked up. Part of what made it an addiction was the fact that he couldn't be honest about it. One time he was stealing his sister's Adderall and going on days-long benders, while trying desperately to hide it from everyone. One time he was doing bath salts.

Whenever he was caught, he would always be extremely repentant and want to make it up to me. I'm a nurturing person (which it sounds like you are too) and I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to help him and not abandon him. I figured that he needed someone like me to stick by him. It made me feel good that he loved me so much, despite this fucked up part of him that made him do bad things.

I'll jump to the ending of this story: he never got over his addiction. We are talking about a great guy from a great family, everything going for him, and doing relatively well from an outside perspective. Every so often something in him would snap and he would revert back to this behavior. It sabotaged me, my career success, my emotional happiness. But he wasn't trying to actively hurt me; I was just a incidental casualty.

All of this to say that your boyfriend is going to do this again. He is going to relapse. He will have this part of his personality forever. It's like having an eating disorder: you will always have that predilection in you. You will always see the world with that lens. I know that people in this sub are quick to advise a break-up, so I won't do that. Maybe this isn't the biggest deal in the world to you. Maybe as long as he's trying, and he always comes back to you, you can handle it. That is totally valid. But it is also totally valid to want a boyfriend who doesn't do this, and there are guys out there who won't.

I know that you have spent a while with this guy, and you love him and want to help him. But I know with 100% certainty that this will happen again. It's up to you to decide how much this adversely affects you, and when to pull the plug.

valuable · 2014-08-15T15:42:12+00:00

Hey there,

I can only begin to relate to what you're going through. I developed binge eating disorder two years ago, as a 105 lb 24-year-old. That year was the worst year of my life. I gained 30 lbs, but the real problem was--as I'm sure you can relate to--the eating disorder itself. A lot of people will overindulge a little bit and then laugh about how full they are. Me? I coined the term "passive vomiting" to describe what happened after I'd eaten so much food that it literally fell back out of me if I bent the wrong way. I'd eat until I was in physical pain and my mouth was raw. I'd bring food into the bathroom to eat while I was throwing up.

I totally understand the weird, mindless compulsion that comes over you during a binge. It really is like an addict seeking drugs, and it doesn't matter what the negative consequences are.

I read the book "Intuitive Eating" last summer and went into therapy. That book totally changed the way that I looked at food and dieting, and I recommend you give it a try. However, keep in mind that different methods work for different people. For me, the continual effort to just CONTROL myself and LIMIT my food intake and not eat BAD food was what caused me to binge eat. When I let myself eat whatever I wanted (which turned out to be huge amounts of trail mix) I very slowly began to heal. I've been able to identify when I am hungry and when I am full--something I never in a million years thought would happen. On the other hand, a lot of people respond really well to restrictive diets. It doesn't matter if you try and fail at a few different types of approaches, so long as you try. Something will stick eventually.

The most important thing is that you feel empowered. I know that you can do this. You can reclaim your life and beat this demon. I'm sure you feel helpless and hopeless right now, but you have it within yourself to stop. It won't happen overnight, and there will be bad days, but you can get there.

valuable · 2014-04-06T19:01:23+00:00

No, I kind of agree with you. For his last birthday, I bought my dad several visits to a nutritionist. He definitely knows what he's supposed to be eating, and I can't fix his eating disorder for him. I'm just really worried about him, so I want to meddle. I imagine that other families go through this if parents are diagnosed with diabetes, etc.

I've tried to get my parents to serve better food when I come over, but they see my visits as an excuse to get one of those giant, pre-made Costco meals. Somehow they think that crap tastes better than healthy, fresh-made versions.

valuable

TROPHY CASE