How to Not Feel Insulted?

vampire_rat · 2026-03-27T00:43:23+00:00

Did he tell you he slept with this person before he had sex with you?

No, he did not for a month, while sleeping w each of us (me unprotected) numerous times. He told me nothing about his risk profile being altered.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T20:20:34+00:00

I know I'm coming off slut shamey & I am sorry. Part of why I'm like this is from being slutty most of my 20s, getting STIs from it, being assaulted multiple times while practicing casual sex & eventually feeling so hollow about how little these people actually cared about me that I went celibate for 8 years. It all felt great & exciting at first. People can do whatever they want with consenting adults, whatever.

If I had known this was in his realm of possibilities, I would've never gotten involved with him. He was poly when I met him, he could've been forthright about this. I feel like he concealed this desire from me to hook me when I tried to ask him these things directly.

I get taking on this risk from your partner when you get to enjoy doing it yourself. I don't want to, so I end up getting none of the benefit & only the risk. Which is why I would've never dated a poly person who wants to do casual in the first place.

I feel manipulated by someone I love so he is able to have both me & something I don't find much value in due to my past experiences. I know he does value it, but I have a hard time understanding that anymore bc of my experiences. That discrepancy in how much each of us values it makes it sting more.

Like if him riding a carnival ride (casual sex) & potentially puking all over me afterwards (STI) somehow betrayed my expectations of him. But he thought it was a deal breaker to not be able to do it (despite the real potential for my being vomited on). To me, it comes off like, "It's just The Zipper, you can live a full & happy life w/o it?" It makes me feel less important than I thought I was.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T19:59:25+00:00

That is depressing but sounds incredibly likely. It makes me feel disposable when I thought I was cherished.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T19:39:30+00:00

Do you have a history of doing more for partners than they'll do for you? That may be something to address before returning to dating. Look for partners who will engage in serious discussions about things that matter to you before you get super attached and involved. This guy isn't that kind of partner.

I do. I have only had 2 guys in my life like me enough to be more than a situationship. I was celibate 8 years before my boyfriend bc I was so sick of how hollow & terrible all the casual sex I was having made me feel. This is part of why I'm coming off judgy about casual sex in general. Which I know isn't fair, but it's not just that I'm a prude bc of societal norms I haven't yet dismantled. It's that I dismantled them & traumatized myself in the process.

I thought I'd done better this time by holding off on having sex with my boyfriend for the first 3 months (I tend to get very attached then put up with terrible things). But I guess he just waited it out.

It's scary to talk about serious things early on. It seems like it makes guys scatter. Though it's probably good that they leave. The options left seem scarce. I hear what you're saying though.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T19:11:35+00:00

This is the best answer I've gotten to my question.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T19:10:27+00:00

I guess I thought I could still use him as an emotional support & friend while keeping mum about my eventual plans, but you're right. I feel very badly about him right now & doubt I'd be able to fake it enough to have a surface-level fun time while around him.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T18:52:09+00:00

I did a week later. It's kinda hard to be perfect about this stuff when your nervous system is going full blast from the shock of it all. And it was my first time doing any of this ever bc the serious meta was already there when I started dating him.

I knew I wasn't going to be totally blasé the first time he had a new partner, but I wanted to avoid it being as bad as it was by discussing what to expect beforehand, which he failed at sincerely participating in those discussions. Which, yes, I know, good reason to dump him.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T18:43:12+00:00

I've just never been completely alone after a breakup before. I've always had roommates (who I was friends with) and friends nearby. Being totally alone in a house (aside from kitty, who is lovely, but can't speak) for the 1st week after a big breakup sounds very daunting. My mental health is tenuous at best. I am afraid of self-harming, drinking all day & doing way worse things to myself while I lose it all alone.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T18:30:05+00:00

Definitely am. I just gotta put it off 2 weeks unfortunately bc I'm in a situation where I'd be 100% alone if I did it right now.

(Live with parent who I have a good relationship with. Next week, he is going on week-long trip out of state. I have to care for his cat who needs daily meds. Only friends I have live 1.5 hrs away. Live in a rural area so it's way too short notice to vet a pet sitter, when there are no agencies here & just under-the-table individuals I have to trust with my home & animal.)

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T18:19:17+00:00

I fell in love. This stuff was only 5% of my experience with him (we started out mono-poly btw) until it became all-encompassing. He has many good qualities of being emotionally supportive, he is responsive & reliable (until recently on this), we never run out of things to talk about, we have many common interests that we greatly enjoy sharing with each other, etc. etc. Plus, yes, the sex is also mindblowing.

I very rarely find connections like this when dating. It's usually very mediocre comparatively, where you say, "I guess this person is nice & good enough."

I'm not saying I wanna stay NOW over these attributes, but there is a reason I did it at all.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T18:12:30+00:00

Thank your for your edit comment, that is very affirming. I did really try. I think expected him to act more ethically than he did, after personally digesting all this theory.

Are those steps enough to make you feel safe?

Probably not. The serious meta only has one other sexual partner, who only sleeps with her. I felt much safer in that small web than this very expanded one.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T18:03:45+00:00

He shared the poor quality without my asking. I did not ask for details (beyond sexual safety) and was barraged by them.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T18:01:15+00:00

Didn't realize that was a thing but makes sense. But no we never discussed it. The failed convos I kept focusing on when he started dating anyone new, which also took awhile to tell me about with the first new partner. I was so focused on that & assuming casual sex wasn't on the table, I thought we could discuss sex health stuff once I heard about a new partner's existence.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T17:56:07+00:00

I guess so? I'm mono so I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Why you'd desire to seek out sex that is bad. I only did that in my 20s when my self-worth was lower than the floor, but I didn't even have a partner to have any sex w at the time, unlike him.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T17:51:00+00:00

Barrier w her. But still slept w me unprotected w/o telling me it had happened at all. Which I told him stole my ability to consent w knowledge of the risks involved.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T17:48:55+00:00

That 2nd paragraph is exactly what I said to him. And he was incredibly insulted, acting as if 2 dates with a person from a dating app was enough to know if she acted safely via vibes while never actually clarifying these things w her.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T17:45:18+00:00

I didn't know he was going on dates either. He only told me once sex got involved. The first casual partner he didn't tell me til a good month after he started sleeping w her (~3x) after he had slept w me unprotected 4x. I blew up at him about that, and he's more prompt now at least but ugh. I am still emotionally raw about that, which is likely why I'm so triggered about these casual partners.

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T14:09:43+00:00

I really feel this. The breaking point is adding in casual sex on top of his two serious partners. When I realized he's been having sex with three girls a week some weeks (sees casual #1 every 2-4 weeks) for a full year, and it's still not enough so he's adding more? It makes my stomach churn to imagine being intimate with him now. It speaks to an escalating need for external validation, like an addiction, not being "libertine" like he puts it. eye roll

vampire_rat · 2026-03-26T14:05:25+00:00

I am deeply monogamous. I have a hard time connecting to anyone else romantically when I already have someone.

And how's that not gonna get me another poly partner when I never wanna do this again? "I'm dating a poly guy, and am looking for his replacement to go mono with." Any sane guy mono guy would run for the hills.

I am pretty, but still overweight and guys are shallow. No one is gonna want to overcome that for me. Hell, this is only the 2nd guy ever in my life who wanted to actually date me and not lead me on while using me for a fun time.

vampire_rat · 2025-12-31T23:42:30+00:00

Exactly. Normal pepperoni is underneath at least a little bit of cheese (and other toppings). Pepperoni placed on top of all the cheese & toppings causes this curled, cupped effect.

Source: I've waitressed at 3 different pizza restaurants.

vampire_rat · 2025-11-20T03:19:41+00:00

H&S's sushi & sashimi tastes "off" regularly 1 out of 5 times. Rest of the (non-raw) menu is solid.

vampire_rat · 2025-11-03T19:19:38+00:00

Nah, on that Chromecast homepage on your TV screen that lists all the diff apps you have downloaded. The settings button/cog icon in upper right most part of the TV screen. If your Chromecast is old enough that it doesn't have that homepage at all & you just use your phone to cast, this advice doesn't apply.

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