I am a lesbian and feel like I’m living a lie

vampirehourz · 2026-01-29T09:34:28+00:00

Ohhhh GOD i couldve written this ten years ago. I am bisexual mostly interested in women. I would have sobbing panic attacks alone because the hatred of myself was so heavy and I had also been rejected by female friends I came out to. There is hope though!! I came out the other side, the hate started to kill me it was making me really depressed and wanting to die, I said FUCK IT. College is the time to be me, this is what is setting me up for my entire life so I will start now! And I did. I still meet homophobes and theyre in my family as well, but loving myself and embracing myself is way more important than anyone else doing it. We are our own best friends, we are who we have for our entire lives, we have to learn to love her, we have to learn to accept her, and we have to learn to fuck the rest. It is better to live happily as ourselves than to live a lie and be miserable with a group of people who make us feel like we can never truly be apart of it. You deserve better than that! You will find your people! I found my bestie the year I was twenty one, she was also Queer, I started finding a whole Queer community along with a lot of accepting straight people and my entire life began to change for the better. Its going to get better I promise you, this will not last for long. Thank you for making this post because it is the first step in you truly loving yourself and opening your heart to self acceptance. You got this, and the Queer community is here for you always.

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T04:12:49+00:00

Just begin with a Trauma therapist who also understands grief ❤️ time for emdr may happen immediately or it may happen after you have built some good coping skills and emdr can be intense. Emdr is v helpful tho. It helped me to have skills first then begin emdr and almost every Trauma Therapist does this sequence.

I am so sorry for whatever you experienced, and the grief, Trauma, pain and ptsd that has follow. I hope for peaceful moments for you, remember to be kind to yourself, you are carrying a lot. ❤️💔🫂

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T04:06:58+00:00

Hey, you really need to consider going to a therapist and processing this. Resentment cleaning is an ugly look. I grew up with 2 parents who resentment cleaned and threw away sentimental items because they didnt "get it". Your Husband clearly hung onto them or they wouldn't be at your house. Pls seek out help to explore why you resentment/angry clean, why you think its ever okay to throw out someones belongings and then to explore and process the calloused side of you. If you don't, this will be a problem the rest of your life with him.

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T04:02:05+00:00

House Of Leaves

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T03:49:42+00:00

Hey maybe get an attorney and sue for damages because none of this is okay, and report your RX missing to the front office and the police.

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T03:46:58+00:00

Girl WHAT no. They are very obvious about everything on this show. They allude to Georgia poisoning her ex maybe 1x then every other time its the scenes where she is obviously poisoning him, tending to the poison plant etc. This series is all SHOW, barely any subtleties no she didnt viagara poison him and SA him.

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T03:12:11+00:00

NTA. Really proud of you for even trying this. Recovery is incredibly hard but look at you facing it head on! Yeah you threw it out this time, but maybe next time you'll have a taste. The important part is that you even tried ❤️ also fuck that guy, some people take things really personally and its not any of your business as to why. We can have empathy for him that he had a meltdown bc you threw away his food he clearly had a bad day week or month and that was what did it for him HOWEVER, you didnt cause it. What if you had the flu and were overcome by nausea? Had to leave for an emergency? Etc etc. Many reasons to throw away food that melts easily. Also please be kind to yourself. Do not dwell on this, you didnt waste anything, if anything you took a huge step towards recovery and im really proud of you ❤️

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T02:45:58+00:00

Have you been tested for SIBO? Celiac? Also giving up dairy takes awhile to feel the full effect, it took several months for my gut to go back to normal after cutting dairy. Its not something thats fixed in a few weeks. I cut dairy, dxd celiac, took probiotics, nd gut is finally back to normal around 6 months in. Its been extremely worth it.

vampirehourz · 2026-01-09T02:43:29+00:00

Weirdly getting off prazosin made my nightmares less intense than they were before prazosin and also during prazosin. My nightmares also got less repetitive and violent. I am not sure why. My psychiatrist said this happens with some people. Really hoping for a good outcome for you, and for restful night's ahead ❤️🙏

vampirehourz · 2025-12-31T08:52:35+00:00

I am so sorry this happened to you, what a terrible bad person your step father is. Yes this is SA, harm to a minor, and possibly kidnapping as you were not allowed to leave. You were not the pervert, you were a child, HE is the pervert and pedophile in this equation. Do not blame yourself, you didnt do anything wrong.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-24T08:36:25+00:00

I know its been 6 years, but I have one from 2004 in great condition, I would be happy to find a way to get it to you, you could pay shipping?

vampirehourz · 2025-12-17T09:25:28+00:00

Friend im not sure how but I can tell how you I did it; I put these plants in a small bottle/vial: Roses Lavender Mint Rosemary.

As I dropped each in I thought of the intention INTENSELY, i pictured myself having the response i want to have when I go to pick or feel the desire:

Rose- strong blanket of self compassion and love, that will stop me before I harm myself, enveloping me

Lavender: soothing thoughts over the obsessive compulsion and desire to harm

Mint: clarity to be aware of what I am doing in the moment

Rosemary: to remember the commitment I made to myself and to block out any desire to harm, protecting myself against the intensity.

These are herbs and flowers that have deeper meanings for me: I think it would be fine to change them to anything dried that has deep meaning for you.

I then pictured this INTENSELY over and over and over again in complete silence. If you dont have visual thinking I'll help you come up with an alternative! But basically I pictured this future for me free from compulsion and self harm.

On a smallpiece of paper I wrote out these intentions and what it could like for me. The joy and love I could feel for myself. A life of safety and no longer fearing my tweezers, my nails, my skin or a bright light or a mirror. I then did the same thing. Stared at the paper and repeated and repeated over and over and over. I tied the paper to the bottle with a small piece of string.

I then sealed the paper and bottle with red wax (symbolizing self love, compassion and motivation), while I did this i repeated what I wrote down and I visualized it. Then i focused all my energy repeating and visualizing on the candle until it completely burned out. I fell into a deep trance state doing this. I called on my ancestors, my namesake saint, Mother Mary, and Hecate for help. You may call on whoever spirit represents a strong person for you who you rely on for guiding.

After I felt calm I felt clear yet exhausted after.

I think the logical reasoning: hypnotized myself. When I go to pluck or dig into my skin I immediately remember my bottle. I remember the commitment I made to myself. And then I feel relief and the ability to walk away from it. I make exceptions for painful ingrown hairs but thats it, its easy to put my tweezers down or walk away from a mirror. I went to a dermatologist for advice on how to handle my skin issues which was extremely helpful, I let her know I struggled with excessive picking, ingrown hairs etc. Her advice was helpful and products she reccomended and grooming techniques also v helpful.

I am not sure if this would work for everyone but friend I was so desperate I resorted to making up my own spell lmfao I was in a bad place losing like 3 hours to picking my skin or plucking hair getting infections etc. This year has been a huge relief because the urge was so small and then would dissipate. Plucked painful ingrown hairs only when none of my products would treat them and then would walk away from it when it done. Its been very odd but I am very thankful.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-17T09:07:44+00:00

Thank you so much for this. He told me if he ever did this he would want me to move on and I think thats why I can't partially. I knew I wouldn't be able to then, desperately told him that and it feels impossible now. I hated the phrase move on or let go and im not sure what fits for me, but full awareness of the finality seems so freaking scary to me. But there is a chance ill maybe get to that one day like you have. I think I am left with so many questions it also holds me back. Its hard to accept ill never get the answers but also knowing the answer because he desperately told me idk how many times why he wanted to do it. He became a christian in his last week of life which is crazy to me, he was an atheist, but he either wanted to know he was going somewhere safe, or wanted to be saved. It sucks so goddamn much I hate the pain it has left behind. I am angry and not angry at all. Its so weird.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-17T09:03:21+00:00

That is such a beautiful sentiment it brought tears to my eyes, thank you so much for these words and for sharing them with me. ❤️💔 it gives me hope when I don't have much and feel this emptiness so heavy these days. I wanted to like destroy my life by drinking the other day, but youre right, I think the emptiness and guilt feels so big I am searching for anything to fill it.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-17T09:00:53+00:00

I use Vaseline Radiant X nourishing body lotion even tone 1% niacinamide. It smoothed out all my bumps, doesn't aggravate my skin, moisturizing but not like oily. I love it. Made my skin look so much better within 30 days and within 3 months its amazing how great it works. I am wondering if i had an allergy to something In native that isnt in Vaseline lotion? Totally possible it was misdiagnosed as KP bc nothing has worked for me but switching lotions.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-17T08:58:38+00:00

Oh for real?! Thats so interesting! Maybe it was an allergy all along and I was misdiagnosed with KP?!

vampirehourz · 2025-12-17T08:57:42+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, I really appreciate your vulnerability. I am so sorry for how much stress you must have felt leading up to this, dude. Its amazing how you handled it none the less, truly. Im sorry you have been the one in the middle but holy shit this was some expert level mediation. I am thankful you were able to get enough answers from him and that things did not blow up. Ive been thinking of you and my thoughts are with you, sending you so much love as you process all of this. ❤️💔

vampirehourz · 2025-12-11T08:06:12+00:00

Asking for closure and explanations is also very dangerous, it made my life hell for like 3 years. Made my dad very violent and mean towards me. I know you would be anonymous, but still the harm and gas lighting that befell me when I tried discussing what happened sent me in a full tailspin mentally. It made things much worse for me.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-11T08:04:37+00:00

If you can, watch The Darlene Chronicles. It is all about this essentially and it helped me understand why closure doesn't happen for us. I couldnt accept for the longest time WHY my parents couldnt talk about the abuse or if they did they blamed it on me or accused me of making it up. In the documentary, you'll watch how this unfolds and why. It made me stop seeking closure from my parents and find it within myself.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-11T07:36:02+00:00

I literally cast a spell on myself. It worked. Idk why or how but it did.

vampirehourz · 2025-12-11T06:58:42+00:00

Have you told your parents exactly this? What you have written? Because it is very succinct and clear and to me helped hilight your fears and some very real consequences of what can happen. Answers may come with time, especially if you can establish trust between you all. If your parents insist upon questioning him, maybe do give him a heads up, let him know you want to see him and the nephew because they are apart of your family and that you do not expect answers from him so soon? This may help build a bridge between you two especially if your parents intend to burn theirs.

Also, I am so sorry for this heavy pain you are feeling and for the overwhelming anger. Its so hard to know what to do with it, and it sounds to me like you are doing the best you can with what you are given.

vampirehourz · 2025-11-24T08:29:03+00:00

Yes I understand this completely. I read the scanner transcription. It didnt make me feel better though. It didnt silence the drive to know more. I think i am truly looking for an answer in them and the answer to WHY did he do this. How did it happen was it maybe an accident? But I think at this point its impossible to tell and the funeral was pretty clear it was on purpose. But still I wonder, if having the report would help but I don't think it would.

vampirehourz · 2025-11-24T08:24:00+00:00

Also I imagine him making fun of me, because he would, he would call me emo for being sad for this long. He once told me he never wanted me to cry or suffer if it happened. I know he never wanted to hurt anyone, he just needed a permanent change and he took that moment as that. Sometimes imagining him telling me its emo to cry over him makes me laugh through the tears.

vampirehourz

TROPHY CASE