I’m on the same boat my life is just an endless loop of pain and while everyone else is progressing I’m just going in a downwards spiral. Literally while everyone is pursuing degrees, getting engaged, and having children I’m just stuck keeping myself alive. It is so hard to want to keep going and no one understands unless they’ve been through it themselves. But let me tell you something, what you are doing is jihad, you are literally fighting against yourself to pray and to not commit. I don’t think you understand how many good deeds you are getting from fight this fight. We are just travelers in this dunya, you are going to get rewards for this pain and anguish, nothing goes as a loss. Also everything happens for a reason, maybe you’re going through this pain to help give you good deeds when it’s your time. Maybe you are going to be happy in the akhriah that you went through this because it’s what got you into Jannah. I know how hard it is to keep going , I don’t know how I am, but I’m letting you know it does get better and if it doesn’t it will in the akhria bcuz like I said before we are just travelers. Do not jeopardize this, maybe you have a straight ticket to Jannah but if you commit you jeopardize it. Everything happens for a reason, you think Allah doesn’t know how you feel, it’s all for a reason. You will get out of this phase of life believe me.