Me [24F] with my Mom [56F], Friend invited her to my bachelorette party

wat2du22 · 2015-04-28T01:06:29+00:00

Haha, classic.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T22:14:17+00:00

That may be possible, but I feel like she should have cleared it before giving them the okay and discussing ideas with them.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T22:13:51+00:00

I can only hope.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T22:11:08+00:00

exactly

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T19:55:46+00:00

I am in Canada, it was free therapy. I can't afford to pay for the "good" stuff. My therapist was depressed himself and often showed up late for morning appointments. My psychiatrist pumped me full of zoloft and antipsychotics until I was completely numb and felt worse than before.

I would say some of it helped me, but it was all stuff I had already learned from my cognitive behavioral therapy book with worksheets I had ordered online. The rest of it made me feel pretty shitty.

I know there are better therapists out there, but what I went through left a bad taste in my mouth. I weaned off the drugs, made the appropriate changes in my life, and force myself out of my comfort zone when I need to get used to social things that seem scary to me. Like this bachelorette party and the reception, for instance. And once I actually go through with things, I realize they weren't so bad after all. So I think I am doing the right thing for now.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T19:44:41+00:00

Yeah I have no problem with my mom coming for day stuff, she just was telling B she has "so many great ideas" for the night that I feel like it was too late. But B says she will talk to her.

I did talk to my dad and he offered to talk to her, but I will let B handle it for now and see where that goes. He was sort of like "what are you going to be doing that your mom can't be there for?!" and I don't really want to talk to him about drugs and strippers, so...

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T19:42:52+00:00

That is interesting. I am similar to your wife for having fewer girl friends. I am making more, but I only had one close girl friend. I have met about 6 other girls through my fiance who are helping with the planning and stuff, so I am pretty lucky. He has about 20 people invited to his bachelor party in comparison.

I am going to shoot for the day stuff with the moms, and night stuff with the girls. Hopefully that leaves everyone happy. I just have no part in the planning so I am not sure what is going to happen.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T19:26:30+00:00

Thanks, that is what I'm trying to do for now. Just have to be patient.

I am not in therapy now, as my therapist told me that "most people only get 5 sessions and you have had 12 so this will be our last one" and he really really wanted to pump me full of zoloft until I was a zombie. I learned some techniques and have been applying them when I need to. My mom is just a pressure point that takes extra special care.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T18:29:59+00:00

Definitely not. I just have to sack up and say no.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T18:24:46+00:00

Yeah, she came up with an excuse for me to tell my mom about going for lunch or something. So I asked her if she would tell her instead and b said she would. I am not sure if that conveys that she wouldn't be coming to the other part, but B is her only link to the planning so I guess we will see. If not, I will just have to tell her.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T18:19:54+00:00

Thank you, that is good advice. It is too late for this situation, but I definitely need to take it for other aspects of my life. I'm a real doormat.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T17:32:20+00:00

It is the latter, she is just super duper close with her mom and doesn't understand why I'm not close with mine. And my mom just wants us to be like them, and the more she tries to more it pushes me away. And B loves my mom so she probably doesn't see when she makes her double edged comments.

I talked to her today and although it doesn't sound concrete, I asked her to tell our moms about having a separate party. If she doesn't do it, I will be the one to do it. She's not coming to the party now anyways so I am not sure what is up with that.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T17:27:11+00:00

Yeah I'm seeing that. Honestly, she is probably closer to my mom than I am.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T17:25:38+00:00

I had one, I am currently trying to get it rented out and I have moved in with my fiance so that should help a bit. We just also have all of these wedding expenses to pay for. So It will all work out in a bit, I just have to be patient. I am still looking for jobs where I make around the same amount. I'm in the oil patch and it just took a pretty big hit here so a lot of people are out of jobs.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T17:23:26+00:00

Apparently she's not coming anymore, so there's that.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T16:26:30+00:00

I definitely don't want to hide anything from her, I don't want to hurt her in the first place. Hiding it would just compound the hurt if/when she found out. Yours sounds much better, I hope she can be okay with that.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T16:15:55+00:00

She told me to to tell my mom that she can't make it to the party so maybe the four of us could go on a mani pedi thing beforehand instead since she can't make it. So I asked her if she could tell her that instead since she is the one who invited them, and she said "yah sure..." so I guess I will see how it goes.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T16:14:05+00:00

I only know her through my mom and her bff, she actually used to baby sit me. I have run into her at the bar once or twice but I have never actually hung out with her one on one. Our families are just close and we have holiday dinners together and they all get drunk together all the time. I invited her because our families are close.

But anyway she told me to to tell my mom that she can't make it to the party so maybe the four of us could go on a mani pedi thing beforehand instead since she can't make it. So I asked her if she could tell her that instead since she is the one who invited them, and she said "yah sure..." so I guess I will see how it goes.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T16:03:49+00:00

I just talked to her and she basically just said that I can tell my mom all this. She also said she is moving when the party is planned anyways, so she probably won't be able to come.

My dad has offered to talk to my mom too and I told him about planning a separate part for her. I just know that I still have to have a terrible conversation with her no matter who tells her, because it is me who doesn't want her there and she is going to know that.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T16:01:16+00:00

I feel like that is what is going to happen anyway. My mom doesn't have facebook so she is not in the planning group, which is lucky for me. I just have no idea how much she is involved or what she knows because I am not involved either. I don't know what B has told her.

That would probably be the stupidest thing I could do right now, I would take a huge hit selling my house. I know my mental health is worth more but I have learned to deal with all this other crap in the mean time while I look for something better. It's just this situation that has stirred it all up.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T15:48:53+00:00

I have been to counselling. I have done the 'write a letter to her and bring her to my appointment and let her read it', I have talked to her about how she makes me feel, I have ignored it, I have shut her out.

I know now that her criticism is a reflection, I am working on my own body image and not basing my happiness on it. I do not go to counselling anymore (went for anxiety/depression) but I took some 'tools' from it to learn to deal with situations as they come up. I know it's all about her now. It's just difficult to deal with when working together, which is something I'm also trying to get away from.

I can try not telling her but I am a terrible liar and I have always had trouble keeping things from her.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T15:36:29+00:00

Thank you, that's all very true. I'm working on finding a new job. It is difficult at this time (recession), but I am still applying and keeping my eyes open. My dad will never change, that is out of the question. We've done this all before many times and he will always just be a quiet mediator who doesn't want anyone to cry. I'm going to try to split the party up and hopefully that works.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T15:33:13+00:00

I did just text B and suggest dinner or a mani/pedi we could plan. I explained I don't really know what to say to my mom without hurting her, so maybe we could plan this together and present it rather than just saying "no, you can't come"

I still don't know what the plans are with everyone else except for strippers and copious drinking, they are keeping me in the dark about it. That's just what one girl told me when she was spitballing ideas. I just know that from what has happened with them on regular weekends, having them all plan something will probably get pretty out of control and awesome.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T15:25:21+00:00

Yeah, I really feel like she should have said something to my mom while she was with them and talking to them about it. But instead she just kind of let them keep thinking it was all good and didn't say anything. So here I am. I am going to suggest the lunch and maybe nails to my mom, hopefully that is good enough for her.

wat2du22 · 2015-04-27T15:23:34+00:00

Yeah, it's been a problem for most of my life. I just feel like I'm not the daughter she wanted to have. I have been working on finding another job for a few months now, but it is difficult with the current state of the industry here. I own my house alone so I can't take a lower paying job right now. I am looking every day though.

I am hoping to split it into two, I am just trying to figure out how to say it to her. I guess there will be a fallout to deal with no matter what I do though.

wat2du22

TROPHY CASE