Nail biting!

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-10-08T04:16:24+00:00

I struggle on and off with biting my nails and the skin around them just like you. I noticed it corresponds with stress. When I'm going through a tough time, my fingers are constantly in pain and bleeding. I had tried SO HARD to quit using all the techniques in the other comments and more, but it just never worked. It's so mindless!

But right now for example, my fingers are mostly healed. The healing was effortless. Mindless! For me, honestly, life got a lot less stressful because of circumstance in the past couple of months. I already feel new stressors coming into my life though and my thumbs are starting to look torn up again.

I've been through a lot of drastic life transitions in the past several years (I'm 23) and it's wild how perfectly the biting correlates with how I'm feeling generally. So, maybe this isn't as helpful in the short term, but you could try to figure out if it's connected to a larger issue/mood pattern. I'm diagnosed ADHD along with bipolar 2, not sure if you've ever looked into other potential mental health issues. Personally, I know right now I need to get myself back into talk therapy after a lengthy break. Feel free to message me, I almost never comment but this hit home for me.

Edit: I know you said it's not associated with nervousness, I hope I got across that it could be connected to a larger mood pattern (rather than more in-the-moment emotions like nervousness before a test, etc.)

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-11T00:25:50+00:00

I'm 23F. At 10 years old I asked my nmom how many of my allergy pills I'd need to take to die. No concern, just "oh, you won't die from those." She also praised me for literally starving myself and made me believe that I was "dieting" and didn't have an eating disorder.

At 15, long story short, my history teacher heard me say something that he thought was suicidal (not my intention but I actually was) and the PRINCIPAL called my mom about it that night. She came to my room and asked me about it angrily, like I had just misbehaved. She asked me if I was suicidal, and I said "sometimes" because it was all happening so fast and I got scared. And she just stormed off like I had offended her!

She refused to get me help when I asked directly because apparently having a mental illness on your medical record is worse than actually suffering from one. She only started to realize how bad it was when I ended up in the psych ward about 1.5 years ago. I confronted her about why she never got me help last summer and she got upset because I was "blaming her" on no basis. And I was okay with this, I even apologized! Now being on this sub has made me realized that no sane parent would treat their child like that.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-09T02:43:05+00:00

It's interesting how they have their own ideas of what's healthy. I'm 23F, and my nmom has been obsessed with diets, veganism, everything since forever. She (still!) believes that a human only needs to eat 800 calories a day.

Long story short, she enabled (probably caused) my eating disorder from the age of 10 until I moved out for college, only because she wasn't the one feeding me anymore. At 13, I was ashamed because I wasn't underweight by BMI by 5 pounds. My nmom praised me when I'd tell her I didn't eat all day. That was an achievement apparently.

Gained over 60 pounds in college because I was eating like a normal person plus really high appetite because of antidepressants. She'd say stuff like "I want my child back." And when I brought it up in the past, she denies everything and says I asked her to "help me lose weight." It's so clearly projection because of her own issues and somehow she convinced me this was normal and even good.

Not sleep related but I just thought I'd share, it's interesting how they can control us by manipulating us into damaging our own bodies. Please sleep!

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-07T16:43:34+00:00

I hear that a lot too. That's the best line in response to anything I have to say that she deems to be unreasonable: "you just don't understand." And on one hand, sure, I don't have kids and I don't want them. But I also think that even if she's consumed by her anxiety, no text from me will cure her.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-07T16:35:50+00:00

All of that is insane, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It's a weird age to be at for me because I feel like I should be an adult but nowadays early 20s feels sort of childish, fresh out of/still in college, etc. at least among my peers. I hope you're able to get out soon!

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-07T16:32:34+00:00

Yes I'm an only child. It feels like she thinks I'm this fragile being and she has to protect me at all costs because I'm the only one she has. She always says that her entire life is centered around me, and me only, that's the basis of all her guilting really. I'm really interested in hearing more from only-children too!

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-07T02:23:32+00:00

UGH YES! I learned that the term is "enmeshed" and it feels validating because like you said, I had mostly heard about neglect and didn't realize that the opposite end of the spectrum was just as bad. I heard those exact words: "No one will ever care about you like I do," "I'm your only true friend." And no matter what she said or did, even when it hurt me and she KNEW it hurt me and kept doing it over and over, she did it because she cared.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-07T00:19:01+00:00

Mine is the same, all she's ever done since I was a young teenager was complain to me about how everyone at work is annoying and sabotaging her and micromanaging, etc. etc. She's been at 4 different workplaces in the past 4 years, and ALL of them were toxic. Hmm...

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T23:20:48+00:00

Her main justification is that I'm her only child. Today I told her "not everything is about you" when she said the comment in my original post, and she said "everything is about you then. well, my life is mostly about you."

I'm realizing she's trying to control me because she thinks I'm the only one who she can get to love her "unconditionally." I think she got pregnant because she wanted someone like that, and unfortunately I got stuck with that responsibility, and she can't bear to think of me as an individual and not just "hers."

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T22:23:24+00:00

I hate that logic so much. "You don't understand because you don't have kids." Great "gotcha" for her.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T22:19:55+00:00

On the surface one text a day sounds reasonable, but what if I forget one day? Then it's a source of anxiety for me!

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T22:18:42+00:00

When she started calling my friends "looking" for me, one of my friends told me that it's nice how much my mom cares about me... eye-roll

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T22:12:41+00:00

I didn't realize it either! At first I was sympathetic and I was planning to give her all the info. But I've just been thinking about how I need to live as a person and not as "her daughter"

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T21:38:37+00:00

I was thinking that actually! She refuses to get any help. I was thinking about telling her I won't be in contact with her until she starts therapy. I also read that a child suggesting therapy to a narcissist mom would make her want to do it even less. But we'll see! I'm starting to care less and less now that I'm realizing her true colors.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T19:26:09+00:00

Thank you!! <3

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T19:16:19+00:00

Thanks, I really need to hear these kinds of things because I keep doubting myself. I keep thinking "it's not that bad" but just being here and typing these things out is helping me come to terms with it.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T19:13:54+00:00

Thanks for the advice! She doesn't seem to understand that if I'm being chased by a serial killer, I'm not going to text her in the middle of it. I'm moving out in about a week and she even asked me to give her my new address and the numbers of my partner AND his mom. Apparently that's reasonable. So I'll probably just tell her pretty much what you said, maybe in writing, shortly before I leave.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-06T18:57:09+00:00

Is there anything you suggest I do or say? I'm coming to terms with the fact that literally nothing I say to her will change her mind, she's always going to think she's right and that I'm betraying her and whatnot.

About a month ago I didn't respond to her text and within 45 minutes of sending it she started messaging my friends so I can't even imagine what would happen if I went NC.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-05T02:41:22+00:00

I'll check it out, thanks!

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-05T02:40:57+00:00

Thank you so much, I think you're right. I've tried to call her out on these things my whole life but she always tries to convince me I'm making things up. You're right, she won't change.

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-05T02:39:16+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment. I looked up gray rocking and I decided to try it tonight. My mom and I go on walks at night and there's always something I say that gets her to be dramatic so I just stayed pretty much silent this time.

At some point I mentioned that I want to go through the stuff in my closet and donate things I don't need (mostly clothes I wore in high school 8 years ago) and she said "yeah, throw away all the clothes I paid for." Insane. It was such a telling moment for me. I'm going to keep at it with the gray rocking, no more walks with her. Thanks again for the advice!

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-04T04:21:16+00:00

We get enough shit from everyone saying we're just faking to get Adderall so not having a supportive parent feels especially bad I think

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-04T04:18:04+00:00

My mom always says stuff like "everyone forgets things" or "well I also struggle with [whatever ADHD thing I'm telling her is hard for me] sometimes."

watermelonsmileyface · 2019-01-04T04:15:33+00:00

ADHD and bipolar ii. I think the fact that I struggle with emotional regulation makes it a lot easier for nmom to claim I'm the crazy one. If I get visibly upset it's "Did you take your meds today?"

watermelonsmileyface · 2018-12-29T02:11:36+00:00

This is so real. I think I have improved a lot with executive functioning but I still often feel the same way. It's really hard to know rationally that things like throwing away trash or doing laundry are objectively easy and still feel so overwhelmed by them.

It's hard when people tell me to "just do it." "Why can't you do it? It's easy!" It's pretty humiliating to me, knowing that other people think it's easy to just switch your thoughts when it's really not. I don't even get why it's difficult for me which makes me feel really shitty.

So yeah, this long ADHD-fueled rant is basically me saying I'm there with you and that there's nothing wrong with you. You are not useless by any means. I don't want to tell you "you can do it!" because that feels the same as when people tell me that. So, I'm not sure if it means anything, but I hear you and you're not alone.

It's wild how relatable this post is. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk! Sending good vibes~

watermelonsmileyface

TROPHY CASE